聚散

之前有人在facebook談起「分離是為了重聚」，每次看到這一類句子，我都會覺得無稽，為甚麼無論何事都要有purpose連帶關係呢？聚非為了離，離非為了聚，聚是離的necessity condition，離是聚的necessity condition，然而沒有哪個是爲了哪個，只是會發生的事情而已。

無論聚散，我們都靠思念連繫。就算再見不到對方，思念還是將人們結連在一起。像青豆和天吾，那是不會改變的。

看着車窗外的藍天與綠丘，突然有一點感觸。

Winter

Last night in my dream I saw you. You were back. Everyone was wearing short sleeves. I was surprised: summer has arrived again, so soon.

I woke up, it's just a dream. Reality is freezing cold.

November, please arrive sooner. I am already excited about May May's wedding.

I cannot remember how did I survive over last winter.

It's so cold.

I am a summer animal, for sure.

習慣

我說冬天彈結他較難，線𠝹手，要開暖爐；師父嘟長嘴，說是「直口」（藉口）。我說不是啦。

像要習慣冬天彈結他的生硬一樣，我在嘗試習慣新的生活、新的想法、新的時間表、新的關係、新的距離、新的感覺。愛情、朋友、家庭、工作。。。生命裏的，生活上的， 全都在改變。

有時，有線𠝹手的感覺。

有時，有點懷念夏天。

然而，我們都在改變。我們繼續生活下去，關係不同了，距離不同了，想法不同了。或者能夠維繫一切的，只有人與人之間的思念。不論甚麼，我們都靠思念結連；因著思念，我們為對方禱告。

或者一個「愛」字更加貼切，我卻覺得有點肉麻。

但願我能愛上改變，習慣改變。

缺欠

今天去了師父那邊，還到新發吃晚飯。

然而，我總有「少了些甚麼」的感覺。

也知道少了甚麼。

我在翻閱腦裏的記憶。

偶像

許久以前，有一天，我突然瘋狂的愛上趙文卓，那是藏馬以外的第一個偶像。媽和我到信和去找他的相片，很遺憾全個信和內只有兩張。你要知道，趙文卓實在不怎麼出名，也實在沒太多影迷。

他也是我最後一個偶像。

往後我有喜歡很多的人，譬如黃耀明、方中信、劉松仁、Johnny Depp、水嶋、Hugh Laurie、Brett Anderson、Daniel Carter。。。沒有哪一個真的是我的偶像，沒有哪一個我會去信和買相，沒有哪一個我希望親眼一睹，沒有哪一個我想要認識他的人。

不要問我為甚麼呢。

Do I want to get well?

I am thinking. The past one year. Everything happened and happening. Now I have grown up, and have changed. Changes that I can see and tell and be certain that have happened.

Still a long way to go.

Today's sermon topic is "Do you want to get well?". Most of the people may answer "yes". But it's true that a lot of us do hide behind our vulnerability, sickness, weakness, and use that as an excuse to escape from our responsibilities. Sometimes saying "I am like that", "I want to be well too however blah blah...", "it's not that I don't want to be well"... et cetra perhaps easier than changing, than being well, than overcoming the weakness. Our weaknesses become the shields for ourselves from facing the reality.

In the past when I said I want to be a good girl too, I want to be optimistic and happy, I want to be someone like sunshine, I want to be passion about my life... do I really want to? Or was I just using the "but" part after these statements to be my excuse? Do I really want to get well?

Now I can say, I am really there to change, to get well, to become a better person.

信任

上一次和小王子一起見Candy，終於察覺，原來很多問題，都是信任的問題。我要學習信任。坦白說，非常的難。我知道我是一個怎樣的人，因著不信任與不安，總要知道得越多越好；然而當告訴我多一點時，其實我也是懷著懷疑的心，覺得對方可能是隱瞞或欺騙。除了那些縱容我得過份的朋友外，對其他人通常我都是信任，卻因很小的事情，興起了我自己的想法，然後就覺得別人是那樣想，並開始懷疑別人不喜歡我，想要忍瞞我些甚麼。總是懷著會被害的想法，總是認為大家都是這樣那樣看我。

幸好一直都有容忍我的脾氣和遷就我的不合理的朋友們。從小到大都有這類人在我身邊。

現在我要學習信任。信任小王子，信任別人。

深藍

你壯闊廣博 但你永遠沉默把光彩都掩
寧靜似最冷最深奧藍綠的海
而我不懂去說謊
無力對抗 墮進你思海

人放鬆的躺 浮泊於這深深的藍光
隨同著你暗浪 帶我到陸地那方
全意尋覓希望 無重浮蕩中彼此滲入感覺
也許一天我變做魚睡在你內 把心釋放

看透你深處 是個更闊更廣色彩更多的世界
能讓我更確切感覺存在
藍藍的這片海 而沒氧氣 怎麼呼吸愛

人放鬆的躺 浮泊於這深深的藍光
連同著我美夢 帶到最寂靜那方
仍浮沉著希望 從你懷內可找到美妙感覺
也許一天我變做魚活在你內 把心釋放

Cupcakes

Haven’t posted this picture of the Oreo tart made by Stephen the other day. He’s a really good cook. Now I am making him to try out 芝麻卷 and Oreo Cookies and Cream cupcakes. Hope I can try the cupcakes soon. It’s interesting that many of our guys can cook. Well, except Hugh I guess. LOL. Andre was a really good cook as well. Girls here, well… maybe not so hopeless after this morning I tried out Fiora’s muffin attempt.

So ya, here is the Oreo Cookies and Cream cupcakes recipes.

http://www.howtoeatacupcake.net/2007/09/oreo-cookies-and-cream-cupcakes.html

Look so yum.

Ya, I am not too worry about my weight and fatness anymore.

Oh, since we are talking about 芝麻卷, I have to share this super short clip (8 secs only). Stephen found it, all of us ROFL.

lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai~~~ XD

Latin100

好嘢，好嘢～A+呀～好耐無拎過A+喇～勁呀喬喬，喬喬勁呀！不過張恐怖嘅Philosophy of Language未出，我只希望可以勉強拎到個B-，咁就好滿意㗎喇。。。

境地

這幾天心情很差，我許久已沒有心情差了。最難為的是，心情差的時候，甚麼也使我不舒適。多疑、不奈、不想談論、情緒低落、多思想。。。無法高興起來。現在經過一段時間會見，我終於發現原來我不是經常這樣的，原來我可以不這樣的，原來我可以正面和高興的。只是這一刻我進入了這境地，不知怎樣走出來。

我不要虛偽

我不要虛偽。不要讓我看見，不要讓我聽見。怎樣也好，我只想要真誠。

說 - 玫瑰的故事 - 第二部：玫瑰盛放

說 - 玫瑰的故事 - 前言

說 - 玫瑰的故事 - 第一部：玫瑰 (1)

昨天突然想起這一句：

 

「如果愛上你是錯了，我才不要做對」

 

那是在《玫瑰的故事》的第三部內，家敏的女兒在鋼琴上彈著的歌。咪咪苦笑的看著自己的女兒，訴說是這歌她爸爸教她彈的。

然而，還是該由第二部說起。那是溥家敏出場的時候。

家敏一眼就愛上了玫瑰，呵，當然了。一愛上了，和他在一起多年的咪咪立刻在其心中無位置。或者聽上來像無情無義，然而看時只讓我感到，原來愛情要來的時候，竟是這樣的匆匆，等不及轉身，已被牽著走。

 

我喉嚨乾澀，全身被汗濕透，襯衫貼在背部，隔很久我才說：「看杜魯福的電影，不叫我？」
她詫異，「你也喜歡杜魯福，家敏？」
我歡愉了，我從來不知道自己的名字有這麼動聽。

 

被一個人叫自己的名字就心跳，我試過那種感覺，那是戀愛的感覺。回家後會回味相處的時間，說過的說話，交換過的眼神，那是戀愛。每一分鐘都值得回憶。戀愛，不是找一個伴侶共渡餘生的故事。家敏說，和咪咪一起沒有太多痛苦，但是也沒有極端的快樂。戀愛，卻總是叫人矛盾，患得患失。

然而玫瑰愛上了家明，家明愛上了玫瑰，聽起來好像是平凡庸俗的名字。家敏無可奈可的接受了，然而接受不等如不愛。結果他求咪咪原諒，並向她求婚。她是何等的愛她，就如她所說的，每一個都是另一個人的傻子，就這樣嫁了他，一句也不提不問。他說會給她幸福，然而愛是另外的東西。

呵，人們愛的是一些人，與之結婚生子的，又是另外一些人。

家明卻只有短暫的時光，愛情也只能終結在死別的一刻。或者愛情沒有終結，愛情在死亡一刻得到了永恆。

 

我與玫瑰談了一個通宵。
她幾乎要發瘋了。
「我找了他半輩子，找到了他，他的生命卻只剩下三個月。」她的眼睛空洞。
「有些人一輩子也找不到。」我感染了大哥的勇敢哲學。
「我愛他。」
「我們都知道。」我說。
「我很愛他很愛他。」她說。
我的心碎了，但我仍然說：「我知道。」
我也愛你，家敏，但那是不同的，我愛你如愛我自己，我愛家明，卻甚於愛我自己。」
「我知道。」
玫瑰勇敢地說：「你們也許不明白我對家明的感情，實際上我認識他不止這些日子。第一次見他，我就有種感覺：我知道這個人已經長遠了，他是我的心上人。家敏明白嗎？心上的人，他存在已經很久了。」
心上人。我淒涼地想：玫瑰玫瑰，你何嘗不是我心上人。

 

心上的人呢。

Disappointment

This makes me...really disappointed, and sad. All the supports I gave her, all the words, true from my heart, that I told her. All the love I poured out. And now she blocked me (and maybe some people specifically) from her wall, out of her castle, which she has maybe so called real friends, who may only encourage her and agree with her but not recommend to her what is right and wrong.

Several weeks ago, I took Candy, that I was so upset that I dreamt of scolding her, because I thought I truly reaccepted her and willing to be there for her. Candy said my love and reacceptance are still true, but from human emotions, it make sense to be angry too. Pastor Sun said, that dream is a way God allowed me to release my emotions.

I said I am there to be friend, I was serious, and true. She said she loves me too and she wants to be my friend too, was a line together with all the lies and disappointing actions. I think, I am hurt.

Maybe I am too stupid. Things would never be the same, things would never be the same from the beginning. You thought friends are there to help and remind each other? You thought one way love and prayer can really solve problems in people’s hearts? 

Little Prince said I should have expected, because of all the relationships between us, and because I know too much. Maybe I am too naive. I just want everyone happily ever after.

(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want to Be Right

When I cannot write…

http://twitter.com/veryshortstory

“Sometimes when I can not write, I wait for the happy thoughts to pass. When the darkness returns the words flow again and make their mark.”

This is one of the least interesting one from Very Short Story, however this one reminds me what I discussed with Candy on my fifth therapy, which was Tuesday, two days ago. When I am happy, I find it hard to write, and hard to paint. That, sometimes frustrates me. Although as Candy said, it’s a good thing, because I am happier, and people around me are happier. I just have to get used to it.

世界

最近我經常發開口夢，其實之前一個人睡時已經知道，因為我試過幾次發開口夢吵醒了自己。我的夢不是甚麼可怕的惡夢，所以開口也不是大叫，只是把夢裡尋常的對話真實地說出來。據說，我還真的說得有文有路，不是哦哦啊啊的發出無聊聲響。

一向對夢有記憶的我，也有著非常複雜的夢，「夢中有夢中有夢中有夢。。。」的情況常常出現，有時到真的醒了也有點懷疑。

昨晚我在愛爾蘭。小王子今早問我怎知愛爾蘭是怎樣的，我只知我是在愛爾蘭。然而一道樓梯之隔就是英國，只要我走上那樓梯，就會到達另一個國家。想著發短訊給在英國的人：「嗨，走出露台望望，我就在你樓下呢。」卻沒有發到那短訊。我沒有帶護照，於是決定稍後回紐西蘭的家一趟，拿護照再往英國過一個週末。

如果世界真的那麼小。

如果世界真的那麼小，大概我們不會太想念遠方的人。