The sign

Caelum is arriving very soon. I had a "show" last night. Funny that I didn't know I should be expecting that, so I was a bit panic when I see the blood red colour. I called mum and midwife. Midwife said it's okay and just put a pad and go back to sleep and give her a call this morning. So I did.

No regular pain till now though. Apparently after show, some people will deliver the baby in 24 hours, some will be days, and some can be a week or two. So there's nothing definite there. Midwife said given Caelum keeps moving, nothing too worry there, just give her a call again this afternoon, and keep the Friday appointment with her.

Ante natal class told me about contraction, but didn't tell me about Bloody Show! Made me worry last night and woke Nick up too. Good that he could finally go back to sleep although it wasn't too well and I could kind of go back to sleep too.

Oh he is really coming soon and possibly any time from now. May not be able to go to baby show on Saturday, dinner with friends on Saturday night, nor attend my baby shower the coming Sunday!

如果，如果

站在Caelum的小床面前，給音樂旋轉的玩具上了鍊，小床當然還是空的。一剎那我在思想前已經傷感：如果，有甚麼事，如果 ，如果，那怎樣。

說真的，我差點要哭，沒有繼續想像下去。

我問小王子，他說把所有東西丟掉，賣了房子，離開這裡。

猶記得最初三個月時我也有想過甚麼萬一。那時倒沒那麼傷感，反而怕身邊的人失望多過自己傷心。現在已不是那回事了，我已投入了相當的感情，準備了好些東西，計劃了不少。大概我已承受不了失去的可能。

研討愛情

想起E後，轉轉接接，也想起了當時有好一段時間深交的kau-kau（IRC名，IRC年代）。我們這些人，不知怎地都以為自己很情深，看著自己的愛情，不可一世。不是說非卿不娶，就是說一輩子忘不了，退而求次也會說沒結果也再愛十年八載。。。一個二個都是情聖般。

數年後甚麼都改變，大家一句也不會說起。現實和想象的距離，隻字不提。我們都是凡人。花過那麼多心思和時間研討愛情，也算可愛過。

其實我還是很願意花心思討論愛情，只是身邊已很少這樣的人。不是很快被定為不設實際，就是被認為是多餘的浪漫主義。要說至今仍相信可以存在心底裡有永恆而不擁有，會被判斷為愛造夢的無知中女。若說還喜歡零碎的浪漫，眼神也好語調也好，可能會被歧視。

舊事

躺在床上，一句「你同佢地有幾熟呀！」，竟叫我想起不少往事。當中包括了年少時的情情愛愛，每每說起來我們幾個女生都覺得很可愛，男的反是怕羞不想提起。記得上年G回來，我和00到G家，也叫了東東來。談起那時00和東東，還有影了那些沙龍，東東只是一臉尷尬的對着我們三個在笑話從前的八婆仔。那次阿勇沒有來呢，要不可以拯救一下怕羞男孩，或讓我們轉移目標取笑一下三個月只拖過幾次手且連分手都沒個正式就無疾而終的所謂戀情。哎，好不幼稚啦。

也想起了模特兒J。有次他在阿勇家，我們三人「煲粥」 - 即是上幾小時在電話裡吹水 - 化了很長時間討論這個在眾人眼中的型男在女朋友向之索吻的一刻怕羞得臨陣退縮竟立刻丟下女友轉身逃離現場的問題。現在回想起他的純情（或愚蠢？），也覺得有點好笑。後期他認識了另一個女朋友，勇說她很可愛很相襯，又說J已計劃結婚。。。那年，我們中五，結果還是無疾而終。

同時間我又想起E和那ICQ歲月，想起來竟真的談過那麼多！我竟然連寫在星星裡然後放火燒掉的事當時也說了呢。上次E說起，我也有點羞愧：曾幾何時那樣無知和自以為浪漫過。。。那是拍電影會被嫌棄的橋段啦！想著我也記得其他我說過的他說過的，但都是些不該也不想提的過去，忘了還好。大概對方記得的話都會這樣想。獨獨是「焚星」這事，因為我上次提過了，也只有我一人羞愧，但說無妨。

因著這許多的ICQ對話 ，我當然也想起了Kxvxn先生。前幾天散步路過他以前的家，說起那家有閣樓，小王子問是不是我喜歡的那種閣樓，我才驚覺自己的印象竟如斯模糊：是怎樣的閣樓呢？他家是怎樣的呢？我去過那麼多次，竟忘記了大部分。女人都如我那樣的狠？不喜歡了，連記憶都送走。所以記得很多的話，大概代表很有感情。

順帶一提，Kxvxn的舊居就在姑丈家斜對面，街尾則是小五的第一女神的家，我們也有路過，也有談起她。上次和小五、00和May May相聚時也有提起。一直沒見過，也不知這第一女神現在怎樣了。

十幾年，這樣就過了十幾年。。。

放假

今天是放假前最後一天上班，然後就是在家等待和準備了。其實也不是請很長的假，計劃中十一月廿一日就要再上班，就算是一星期上班十五小時也好，也要上班。Joe說寧願把他的房間給我，叫我帶Caelum回來，也要回來。Receptionists已經爭著要幫我照顧Caelum，說放在她們那裡就可以了。

Caelum已經很大個仔了，但midwife說應該不會提早出來。雖然已有點不耐，但我也希望他不會早來，而且我也認為他只會遲到而已。不過嘛，真的，已經久得有點辛苦了，又沉重，連轉個身也不容易。

想深一層，至少現在還有得睡。。。

緊張

照計仲有唔夠廿日，我開始有幾分緊張，唔知到時會點，又唔知之後會點。唔知有咩未買，又唔知仲有咩要買。手頭上工作未完成，心情上又未準備好。雖然好好彩地一直都無產前憂鬱，但來到呢刻都免不了有啲擔心要面臨呢件大單嘢會點。怕就快到，又同時諗不如早啲到好過，唔係話咩，不過唔多唔少都等到有啲悶，又唔係等得好舒服喎。雖然，之後會仲唔舒服，瞓都無得瞓。

唉。。。越諗越覺得。。。都係聽日專心寫埋公司份嘢，phone interview幾個人先算喇。

呢件肯定係我廿九年來要面對最嚴峻嘅一件事啊！

PostSecret: Goods in people

This is one of the most interesting secrets on the new PostSecret app this week.

It has generated lots of reply, including the following:

I didn't feel anything special when I first read the secret, till I read all these replies. I can feel the world is desperate, the human race needs love and kindness. That's why people are so amazed and touch when little things in life like this happened and be shared.

It's amazing how people's needs are realised and hearts get closer because of this.

秘密

PostSecret發行了一個iPhone App，因為怕被人看見，我只試過post一些根本無關痛癢甚至不是秘密的秘密。對，我膽小如鼠，最多只敢說不想工作，哪裡是秘密。

秘密，人人都有秘密，或多或少。有些一說會影響別人，有些其實沒有甚麼特別。現在隨便想我也想到好幾個秘密，有些和別人共同享有，有些則完全是我個人的。有好些和小時候有關，現在是長大了，還是覺得該留起做秘密。或者機緣巧合會和某些人分享一下，但也不是甚麼有趣的事。

現在也有秘密。一個人沒可能完全無秘密的吧。

只和一兩個人分享的秘密，讓分享的人之間有特別的牽引和覊絆，那是很複雜的感覺。當我和一個人分享一個秘密時，那是一種感情的建立吧。像是分享了靈魂的一部分，一息間就接近了。

有時候，不用言明，兩人也會心照是一個秘密。

The Tree of Life

Talked about Evolution and Darwin's Tree of Life. I thought about Klimt's Tree of Life. Biology, Religion and Art.

The Tree of Life, Stoclet Frieze, 1909, Gustav Klimt

中秋

中秋常說「人月兩團圓」，但嫦娥的故事卻是奔月獨守冷宮伶伶仃仃的，朱元璋以月餅傳起義訊息也不溫馨。

以前人家送三黃月餅覺得很高興，因為好喜歡吃蛋黃；現在人家送單黃月餅非常感激，因為顧念膽固醇指數。

剛入春天的中秋節，非常大風。下午外出買午餐時差點被風吹走了 - 別忘了是我現在這般龐大的身型。

我欲乘風歸去，唯恐瓊樓玉宇，高處不勝寒。

911十週年

美國這時還是九月十一日，紐西蘭已是九月十二日的早晨。原來就這樣過了十年。十年前的恐怖，到今天還在人們的心裡；或者時間使之略為變淡，但回想起來，聯想當時的人所面對的困境、生與死的沖擊和選擇、無奈和絕望，還是帶出相當的恐怖。

不單如此，記得看電視時也有影到歡呼的人們，那是另類恐怖，在我心中久久不下，無法遺忘。人們眼中的到底是大廈的摧毀，還是生命和關係的破滅？

RWC 2011 so far...

Third day of RWC, so far:

NZL - TGA: expected, nothing exciting here. ABs obviously only aimed to get the bonus point, not anything dramatic.

SCO - ROM: expectedly Scotland won but an unexpectedly tight game!

FJI - NAM: I nearly fell asleep when it was playing on Maori TV, maybe because I knew the score already.

FRA - JPN: totally expected result yet France must had sweated quite a bit when Japan made the point gap so close! I could see that on the face on the French coach. XD

ARG - ENG: For the performance and effort sake Argentina should have won! Lucky English, and ROFL @ Johnny Wilkinson! England defence coach insisted Wilkinson is still the man with the magic boot and he said he'd bet his mortgage on his next kick (that's how much they trust him, he said). Hope he is not going to lose his house.

AUS - ITA: looked at the score, not even interested in watching the highlights.

IRE - USA: not interested in USA.

RSA - WAL: Wales started off sloppy but played better and better over the 80 mins especially the second half! I think they deserved to win over SA! However when the last kick was missed I know they have no luck and the game will end with SA winning by 1 single stupid point. Sad.

Oh by the way, I think the opening celebrations and ceremony were great! Maybe just me being bias. And as usual, Auckland traffic was crap and unreliable. Just the way our city is.

RWC 2011 is here today!

Rugby World Cup 2011 is starting today! Although we are all saying that we may choke again and do not expect too much and don’t get too excited because it’s going to be disappointing blah blah blah, come on, it’s here! No matter we will win or not it’s a cool event. Especially this is happening in New Zealand this year – you know, there’s not many big events in New Zealand.

This is today’s Google doodle. Yeah yeah yeah~ Go the All Blacks~

Caelum will come in between the RWC. I just hope the traffic will be okay on the day I have to rush to the hospital. I have looked at the schedule, the last pool game is on the 2nd October but last pool game in Eden Park is on the 1st October 8:30pm. Then Quarter-final starts on the 8th October 8:30pm. So if Caelum comes on his EDD, id est 7th October, then maybe the traffic is fine… a few days early maybe better. Otherwise he will have to wait till after the 9th because 10th to 14th have no game too.

Let’s see whether he can come to this world in those date ranges.

Love makes people stupid and crazy

LOL…

「我到底是為誰而活的？」

有人在Facebook問了這樣的一個問題。以前我大概都有思想過，然而一段時間後我發現這問題本身可能存在着另一個問題：到底問這問題是否認定人生存之先是為了誰才成立？是因為有「誰」這個原因而為之有「活着」嗎？

有些人會把「因」和「為」放在所有東西之上，譬如太陽的存在因為要照大地，水的存在因為萬物都需要它。然而就是站在天父創造萬物並叫受造的互相效力這點看，這些「因為」也是牽強的。天父可以叫大地被照而無太陽，只是選擇了這一種計劃，而內中萬物是有原因被造但不是為着別的東西，則相互配合。

我們已經活着了。有些人受造之時可能是為着誰，有些人可能不是為着誰，甚至不是為着些甚麼，只是我們已經活着了。然而活着了，我們可以為某些人做某些事情，可以以某些人為己任，可以把某些人放在自己的目標中。但我們不是為這些人而活啊！這些人的存在與否不會改變我們活着與否啊！我們是活着，既然活着，何不盡用，何不使之有意義，何不為其他人的好處做些甚麼。然而不是為他們而活，而是活了就用自己的生命為別人。

難道不是這樣嗎？

Keystroke counter and wedding ring

Read the following from PostSecret today, it’s actually from a month ago, but I haven’t read PostSecret for a while. Read it, it’s actually very interesting.

[The following email was posted with permission. The wedding band has been removed and Federal Expressed back to the sender.]

Dear Frank,

This past week you should have received a postcard with a keystroke counter and a wedding ring. My husband used the keystroke counter to spy on me during my affair.

Is there anyway I can get my ring back? You can post the secret, maybe another person can learn from it, how much damage an affair can cause and how easy it is to be caught.

We're going through marriage counseling now and I'm trying to make amends. Neither of us wants to split our home and our two kids up because of a mistake I made.

Thank you very much.

On one hand I am glad that they are trying to work things out, on the other hand I am amazed with several things:

1. The ring actually got posted to PostSecret successfully – no one took it!
2. People use keystroke counter to spy on affairs?!
3. Neither of them want to split.

Overall it’s an interesting story to share.

At Studio II

昨日去Studio影相，還是和KT一起啦！今次另外有Jaime和Kera，大家去參觀Studio，順道影幾張相。

帶了Danbo去，很可愛呢～

天使般的祝福

突然間有點感觸。

有些人的生命，我們說像天使一般，總是帶給身邊的人祝福，影響着每個相遇過的人。所有人都喜歡他，所有人都感受到他的好。因為他從心底裡欣賞並享受生命，也把衷心的愛與祝福帶給生命裡偶遇的每一個人。

有時候天堂好像離我們很遙遠，概念也很虛無。或者這樣的人把天堂的感覺帶到了我們身邊，讓我們窺視一下一個相親相愛的境界是何樣的存在。就算實際上還是難以設想，至少感覺近似了。

本想說我沒有這樣的恩賜，然而那豈不是一個借口？我們都有給予別人愛和感動的恩賜，只是願不願意、有沒有這樣的宗旨，還是以自己的一切為抱負。

我不是說我要變成那樣好的人，也遺憾未有這般偉大的志願，只是有點感觸而已。唯願我能每天從心裡自然而然的改變一點，慢慢成為一個對世界對身邊的人有點貢獻的人。

唧唧復唧唧

我在織一張被。看相中的進度，就知道仍須努力。千萬不可半途而廢呢。