滿月（前）=出街

昨日Caelum滿月，前天我們已先外出一次。為要夾複雜的吃奶時間，我們先去了Villa Maria Estate吃午飯。

再去Manukau Memorial Garden探Caelum嫲嫲。

然後要Caelum挨少少肚餓去Botany先吃奶，幸好莫少爺只要有車坐就不會哭，他很喜歡車子移動時看窗外，有次紅燈等得太久他就嚷了。

Botany最後一站是Starbucks。Caelum還算乖啦（都在睡而已。。。）！小王子要跟小小王子影張相。

Cheers 2011

So in 2011 I got pregnant, gave birth to Caelum, and we New Zealand got the Web Ellis Cup.

How nice.

4 more days, Caelum will be 1 month old.

And 25th November is our 5 years wedding anniversary.

Pater et unigenitus filius

No time to type this epiphany out in Chinese - well to be more correct, I nearly have no time at all to type this up.

The other day I was meditating - just a more fancy word to say "I was thinking" because I have used the word "epiphany" already - and I have realized this one most important thing from having Caelum in my life: why God has chosen to use "Father and only begotten (unigenitus) son" relationship to reveal himself and his salvation.

If I didn't have a son, I would not fully understand the pain, the suffering, the seriousness, the symbolism God has chosen to use this relationship to represent. Think about that, why didn't God set the identity of Jesus to be something like "the doppelgänger", or "the homo sapiens presentation of God himself", or whatever, but instead has chosen the Father-son relationship to tell people who Jesus is? The great love he wants to show us through sending his unigenitus filius has a much greater magnitude of depth, and it's not some arbitrary thing that he has decided to do out of nowhere.

And I guess, one with a child may understand more about the pain that God himself is bearing in the whole salvation project: imagine sending your child to the cross, and before that, facing all those difficulties and accusations and sufferings.

Anyway, if this doesn't make much sense or in anywhere words missing or sentences incomplete, forgive me - trying to make a baby sleep at the same time. Shhhhh...

殃及池魚

布布昨晚給Caelum嘔奶弄濕了，幸好我夠累睡得著。今早一起床首先洗一堆衣服和布布，現在它又回到我的手中了。

而且很香。

布丁

雖然冇得出去食飯，但係鴻星個老細醒咗兩杯滿嘅芒果布丁俾阿爸阿媽帶返嚟俾我食。我一下子就食到乾乾淨浄，非常喉急。

甜品幾時都最正！

瞓覺

而家一有長少少嘅空閒時間，我都選擇瞓覺，或者好似呢一刻咁，唔瞓著都攤下抖下。因為要夜晚起幾次身每次搞成個鐘，真係有啲辛苦。通常有「為咩我要咁」嘅諗法，就係呢啲時間。王子多數都起唔倒身，我又唔忍心要佢起身 - 如果嗰一次自己搞得掂嘅話。

改變

寫來寫去都係Caelum，無他嘅，喺呢十三日裏面，我除咗喺屋企對住佢之外就咩都無做過。往後一個月都係咁，直到我十一月中返番工先可能有啲唔同。

有時睇住佢都依然唔係好相信，一來唔相信生咗佢出嚟，二來唔相信我居然揀咗呢條「不歸路」，真係「pass the point of no return, no turning backward」。我嘅生活已經有100%轉變，無可避免，不容退縮。

不過佢笑時又真係幾冧嘅。。。喊時。。。我仲學習緊明白佢喊乜。

定案

Caelum的中文名已選定了，叫莫焯言。

感恩

儘管還是辛苦，其實我有諸多需要感恩的。

首先是我這樣怕痛的人先挨過了長時間的陣痛，除出了最後五、六小時是有epidural外，我也挨了三十小時。然而，感恩的不單是我有能力挨過了，而是相比很多人來說我想已經不算太慘的了。天父還真的只給了我可以承受的。

入院後，在等到生產的六小時，我因著完美的epidural得而睡著五小時。當時midwife問我要給五百多元選specialist還是普通醫生給我打epidural，我毫不猶疑的說付，因為打脊椎不是一件小事情。整個生產過程只是付這五百多元，我覺得絕對值得。感恩的是當時這個當了廿年未失過手的speicalist還沒有回家。鄰房的女士比我遲進來，要打epidural時specialist已回家去了，於是她是給普通註冊醫生打的。三時打針，六時還未生效，結果要拔出來再打過。聽了後更覺五百五十二元值得付。

到要生的時後，epidural其實已經過了大部份。也就是說我要很痛的生Caelum出來。兩次問midwife可不可以top up epidural，她也說不可以，因為要我推他出來。於是我在非常痛楚之下推了二十分鐘，就把Caelum生出來了。雖然是很痛，但只是二十分鐘而已！有許多人要痛著生很久，又或者是打了epidural後感覺不到，所以還是生了很久。不過那痛還是免不了的啦。人家說痛死，我告訴你，是痛得寧願去死！

生了Caelum後一會，我已經可以下床行走了。結果我是自己抱著Caelum走上車，再走入Birthcare，在那裡住了三天。除了定時吃panadol外，甚麼也不用，哪裡也可以自己行去。聽媽媽和好些Aunties說， 生後很痛，有些更說要坐水泡。我好像沒甚麼事似的，傷囗是有點痛，縫針也是有的，但我真的沒甚麼大礙呢，非常感恩。

之後我一直都康復得很好很快，基本上生活中大小事也沒問題，除了腰骨總是有點痛，雙肩和臂很累，傷囗有少許痛，就甚麼也沒有了。

Caelum也算是乖，雖然有時餵他吃奶不是很順利，但至少大部分夜晚也算是睡得不錯，即是我也能睡得不少時間。

就只是今天，非常曳！

Lesson learned no. 1

The first three days (after the first night) were really stressful for me. I tried to breast feed Caelum but he never could get enough. So after I fed him, then put him down, then in half an hour he cried for food again. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat properly, hands shaking all the time. I felt so defeated and useless, cried at night when I was alone with Caelum in Birthcare, felt so sorry for him.

The day we returned home, Nick and I have decided to top Caelum's diet up with formula. It's just not worth it - I mean, me being overly stressed and blame myself and not sure what to do versus all the good of feeding only breast milk. I was not bonding with Caelum, and instead I was just kept worrying when he'd stop crying and feel satisfied. After a day and a night, I finally got rid of the guilt of not just feeding Caelum with breast milk but adding formula as well. Then I started to feel much more relax and can bond with Caelum. My hands were no longer shaking (physically) all the time. Caelum also started to feel more satisfied and can sleep for a few hours instead of half an hour (or worst 15 mins) too. From yesterday, he started to smile. Now he smiles very often.

I have learned quite a bit when I was getting through this struggle. I have been pushing myself too harsh for something - yes, important - but may not be the most important. Nick said would I ever blame my mum for not breast feeding me and I said no, then he said Caelum would be the same. I have been focused on the wrong thing. If I am not happy and bonding with Caelum correctly but instead in a overly stressful and uneasy way, then the basic parent-child relationship is ruined - not feeding formula that would ruin the relationship. After all I think Caelum wants us to love him instead of feeling he's a source of stress and burden.

Everyday I am learning something new with taking care of this boy here. At least now I am more relax, and ready, to enjoy the time with him.

The day after Caelum Nicholas Mok arrived

So after 36+ hours of contractions and 20 mins of active pushing delivery, Caelum arrived at 9:25am yesterday, 30th September 2011. Jacky said I should have waited for another 5 mins so it would be 9:30 on 30/09. I tell you what, in serious pain, you just want baby out ASAP.

My epidural mostly wore off before delivery, but midwife said not going to top up because I need to do it. So I did. Honestly it wad crazily painful 20 mins, but I know compare to our mums who didn't take epidural at all it's ten times less painful already. Also, thanks to the super pro epidural guy, I on and off slept for 5 hours before giving birth, so kind of full of energy. That's why I was kind of fast already. Nevertheless I tell you, very very painful, very. Don't believe anyone who said it's nit painful unless they got epidural all the way (which will make the pushing part slower and more difficult but painless).

People said I should be proud of myself for having done that, actually I only felt amazing that I actually have done that - and succeeded. Did I actually gave birth to this 3.46kg baby who's now sleeping on my shoulder? Soft but not fragile actually, feels really firm and tough already.

Oh yeah, and heaps of hair, like me when I was born. Though this is the only thing looks like me, everything else looks like a little Nick already. He has many distinctive features of Nick. You know, even his hair style is similar to his daddy, how could that be?!

I am not the "my boy is the cutest" type of person. I will tell you that he's a good sleeper - for now - and not too interested in eating yet. Heavy, yes, will surely feel tire after holding him for a while. Can poop and fart. Not crying much as he prefers sleeping. Hearing is very good, attracted to sound and like to look around (although he can't see much at this stage, only shapes and colours). Oh and, the obvious: chubby face )o_o( and black long hair. Mucous still in his tummy and respiration system so he doesn't sleep very well sometime if lying down with his back. So, like now, I hold him and let him sleep more upright, then he can breath better. Also, looks like sometimes he dreams too.

Oh by the way, see the little hat I knitted in action - a bit too big at the moment because I always worried that he would have an extremely large head like his daddy. Not a bad thing, so he can wear this for longer. :)