Black & White

I am in a very rational state at the moment. As I have said yesterday, I am very concentrated on my work. Basically no time and space to think about other things, and keep feeling a day passes too fast for me to implement more. For the sake of rewriting the product I even had slipped some client work during the day - that's why I had to work tonight until I have been called off by Nick, told me to go to sleep. I can tell myself is in the geeky mode. Even my blog became not interesting because my brain is not interesting at the moment.

Sorry to be a boring person but all I have in mind are features, what I should do tomorrow, what else need to be done, and when will I finish them all.

This sounds sad, so black and white. It's not colourful at all.

Let me finish all these and find my life again.

Work & Holiday

Recently I am very concentrated on my work. Basically spending a lot of time at work rewriting a product and deal with all sorts of stuff come into my daily work like supports and seeing clients. Two months ago I had totally no energy to do these and always went home early to sleep. Now I am all fine so I am more into work.

Nevertheless, holiday is nice and I am looking forward to the Easter weekend. Hope I can have some relaxing time. Next long weekend would be Queen's Birthday in June. After that... probably baby comes before Labour Day.

Esther and Gavin's wedding is on next weekend. I still haven't brought a green dress! Guess I will do that next week. Hmmm I need to get a dress that I can wear now and later.

Sugar II

Since I knew the GTT test result, I have been more free on my sugar consumption. Still not eating any lollies or drinking any hot chocolate, but now I would eat hot-cross bun and small portion of cake if Stephen has brought something.

NZ Natural has these Zilch ice-cream, which has no added sugar and taste quite good. I am eating that everyday now. hehe.

Toy Story 3

Finally I have watched Toy Story 3 last night at home! It’s good, very touching.

“The clawwwww”~!

I love cartoons, but honestly I still prefer old school 2D ones more, e.g. my favourite Laputa. 3D is very cute, but sometimes they don’t feel like cartoons anymore. Oh, they are not called cartoons right? They are animations. I also love clay animation like Pingu.

Thumb and blanket

今日說起食拇指，我說小時候吃得兩隻拇指也起了枕，塗甚麼苦藥也戒不掉。然而我還算好，只吃到三年級，祖祖吃到六年級，而且食指還要不斷磨鼻樑，都磨損了。

不過從小到大我都要拿著一塊布，我叫它「布布」的。以前的布布破了舊了沒有了質感，就要等我習慣了新的一塊後退役。爸爸說我的布布充滿了口水味，我當然不覺得。現在我依然拿著布布，睡覺時也好，上網時也好，看電視時也好。由於沒有想過要戒掉，所以我想是不會改變的了，大概以後都是這樣。

Sugar

GTT test this morning -that bottle of green sweet stuff taste terrible - I quickly throw up afterwards once I reached work. :(

影相之二

前日臨急臨忙KT話琴日去影相，於是琴日我地就臨急臨忙去咗影第二集：黑色背景。黑色背景難打燈好多。。。我識咩吖，總之見到KT同小王子試咗好多好耐都唔滿意，咁我諗係難啲掛。影黑底感覺上累很多，可能因為黑漆漆，成日想瞓覺。不過都幾好吖，KT同小王子都話影黑色學多啲嘢，試多啲嘢。我無所謂，淨係覺得嗰個房加上回音好適合唱Phantom of the Opera，非常好，哈哈。

好多相facebook都睇到啦，只係之前喺白色房間我地威逼利誘無預備嘅小王子同我拍咗幾張，因為係friends only album，有人可能睇唔倒。雖然其實小王子當時唔係好自然，但係影咗嗰幾張又唔係好唔自然喎，都幾好。
P.S. Not in high resolution.

 
 
 
 

Sitting with Pooh

Sitting on the couch with Pooh, I am a bit too tired to go shower. I hear that Little-Prince is back from running, now he is at the door. Pooh shows no emotion on his face. Tomorrow is Monday and I have quite some work to get through. But before that, I will have a GTT test in the morning to make sure my sugar level is not too high.

Little-Prince is in the shower now. Pooh still shows nothing on his face. I am touching his head and his right arm, they are so soft. Looking around my living room, very untidy. I should really spend some time on it.

My turn to shower.

藏馬

講起幽遊白書，我記得有一幕鴉調戲我個藏馬，喺佢後面摸佢啲頭髮，話有啲損傷要好好保養。呢一幕我嬲咗勁耐，調戲我個藏馬喎！我仲喺日記寫低有幾唔高興添呀！

外傳有麻彌喜多嵨，藏馬都有少少鍾意佢，豈有此理。懷著非常妒忌嘅心情，篇外傳我睇咗勁多次。

哎，我一向長情，對藏馬都唔例外，依然係我嘅夢中情人。

郵件

親愛的石小姐寄了這個給我。當然我是不信這個，石小姐也不見得信，這只是代表了她對我的思念（肉麻到使人妒忌的思念喲）。

非常浪漫吧，不用怕羞哦！

Try hard

I am surely very sentimental these few days. I blame my tummy. Not just sentimental, also a bit more sensitive, protective and reactive. I am afraid I am going back to who I was, so when Nick said once kl said to him I always think weird things and always answer questions that are not to me, I cried. Not because I felt Nick scold me, he was in a very flat tone. I just felt guilty, and worried that I am going backwards, going back to who I was. I do not want people dislike me any more, or, I do not want to think "people dislike me" any more. I worry that things will fall apart again one day if I go backwards.

I do not want to. So I am not trying to let myself split into two again and so I am not hiding these feelings, which I normally put in my secret blog in the past. I think and am going to rectify in some ways. I keep reminding myself people love me. People around me love me. Sometimes I really have difficulty remembering and believing this, but I am forcing myself a little bit here.

This is the first time I feel the effect after I have dropped citalopram. The key is to not let the negative thinkings keep developing uncontrollably. The first time I feel this is difficult and unfortunately I have to deal with it myself. It's not something anyone can help. No one should do anything extra to help either because I have to deal with this in totally normal situations with normal relationships with people.

I just want him to know I have been trying, and have been trying hard. I am trying hard to be a good girl.

安眠

今天等Tech Services給我一個VM時，走去我的秘密Blog看舊日誌，就是那段時期的記憶。不否認那是有點自虐的做法。

小王子說不要浪費精神看舊事，有時間執拾一下家裡也好，心神放小孩身上也好。我說看看也算是有些提點，他說不該是現在，因為現在我是高危憂鬱期。我說好好好。

前兩晚在別房睡，因為怕夜裡醒來會給小王子的呼吸聲導致不能再入睡。不過其實分開睡我也是一樣醒了睡不回去，還要加上多思想。今晚搬回房睡了，至少有安全感，可以抓住衣角。

希望一夜安眠。

感傷

突然想起那一段日子。

早上天還沒亮透便起來。走出小屋外，滿地都是青蛙。沿小路走到海邊，躺進吊床裡，也不知該思想他還是顧念我的人生好。看著天漸亮，非常痛苦。

那是我近乎一點肚腩也沒有的時候，穿比堅尼最好。然而記憶不是很充裕，想不起太多做過的事情，除了哪天計著自己沒哭，哪天哭太多。幸好影了許多相，證實我有做別的，提示我有做過別的。

閒時傳短訊發電郵給某人和爸爸，卻無法和身邊的兩人訴說太多。因為言語太催淚，說出口我會心痛死的。也不是怕心痛死，若真的可以就那樣死去的話還容易。

那是死亡不能相比的恐懼和痛楚。那是硬要把靈魂分割的難堪。

那是現在我想著想著便哭了起來的傷感。竟停不下來。




幸好一切還在，最討厭的都過去了。

At Studio

He wasn’t really seriously taking pictures, just a few shots. We both love this one a lot. Something about this dress… I couldn’t wear it 4 years ago because I was too thin at the time around my wedding, but now I am fat enough so it doesn’t fall anymore, haha. I always afraid wearing this dress makes me look fat – and it does – but I guess it’s okay now because I really am fat now with my little tummy, haha.

Modeling

I have been modeling for kt whole afternoon and Little-Prince was there too to help set up lightings and stuff. He has also been giving some ideas to kt in the session. Afterwards we went for dinner together and talked for a while.

This is the second time I stood there being a model. The first time was for Little-Prince in One Tree Hill. I quite like that when it's just doing it for close friends or Little-Prince because there were a lot of fun times and laughters. Also I can tell Little-Prince was enjoying the chance to put what he read in application, like setting up lights and testing out shots. I am happy that he was happy. 

For sure, I am a natural to model funny but not sexy, lol! Acting funny is in my blood! 

A sad news

It's a good catch up with Leanne, Hugh, Johnny, Francis and Anna. Everything was so good until Nick had received a call to his mobile from Albert, his best friend in Hong Kong. Albert called to tell Nick that his wife has cancer in the lymph (which I guess it means lymphoma?), and possibly in her lung as well. She's only around 30 years old. It's way too young for this to happen to her. They just got married about 4 months ago and were planning to have kids. Now this has happened and everything is going to change.

There's so much need to be thought about, for them so much need to be faced in the future. It's very upsetting.