Odd One Out

在人群當中，我有"格格不入"的感覺。並不是令人愉快的感覺，因為我不想這樣，唯恐會變本加厲。怎樣可以做一個正常的女孩子?怎樣可以哭她們哭的，笑她們笑的，感嘆她們感嘆的，興奮她們興奮的?我看著身邊的女孩們，尋找著決定性的差異。是我沒有看香港電視連續劇嗎?是我玩電視遊戲機嗎?是我看張小嫻以外的小說嗎?是我沒有看娛樂新聞嗎?是我看太多卡通片嗎?是我常常對著電腦嗎?是我對東京沒有興趣嗎?我在查考這些分別，為找出是甚麼叫我不能說一些別人明白的東西。我總說出一些很無聊的話，或問一些沒有意義的問題，因為我不知說甚麼好，但認為說些甚麼的話人家總覺得我可親一點，或是覺得我有專心對方說的話。雖然結果人家還是說我在關心一些多餘的事情，但要我解釋其實我只是以發問來表達而不是求答案，又似乎太難。我明白別人說甚麼，但不明白別人想聽到甚麼，即是我不明白別人的情緒嗎?看《The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time》時我總有似曾相識的感覺，有一份共鳴。到底我比Christopher好多少，明白多少?

Eight years ago, when I first met Siobhan, she showed me this picture


and I knew that it meant ‘sad,’ which is what I felt when I found the dead dog.

Then she showed me this picture


and I knew that it meant ‘happy’, like when I’m reading about the Apollo space missions, or when I am still awake at 3 am or 4 am in the morning and I can walk up and down the street and pretend that I am the only person in the whole world.

Then she drew some other pictures


but I was unable to say what these meant.

I got Siobhan to draw lots of these faces and then write down next to them exactly what they meant. I kept the piece the piece of paper in my pocket and took it out when I didn’t understand what someone was saying. But it was very difficult to decide which of the diagrams was most like the face they were making because people’s faces move very quickly.

When I told Siobhan that I was doing this, she got out a pencil and another piece of paper and said it probably made people feel very



and then she laughed. So I tore the original piece of paper up and threw it away. And Siobhan apologised. And now if I don’t know what someone is saying I ask them what they mean or I walk away.

我真的很不開心。我不知道該怎樣去融和別人的世界。若你看到這個，留言告訴我，至少讓我覺得有人試著明白我。