坐著。。。想

聽著外面的煙火，這種時候特別覺得寂寞。

小王子還在香港，身邊會陪我的朋友們都不在。聖誕不覺寂靜，因為病得難堪，只可以躺在床上；也不是沒有節目，只是我太病唯有缺席而已。這次我是健康的，也嘗試過看看朋友們可以有甚麼節目，只是最親的一群全都離開奧克蘭數天，其他人又沒甚麼意思陪我，所以略感無聊。遠方的小王子今晚也有節目，之後幾天也可以有些甚麼做吧。觀在這裡坐著的自己，有點感概，我已這樣一個人住了一個月呢。。。

或者明天載了S到機場候回來在家附近散步一會，再帶我的書到Bucklands Beach、舊Howick或Botany坐上一頓午餐的時間。。。然後。。。怎樣呢。。。？

年尾

今天是二零零八年最後的一天，現在我在公司，但沒甚麼工作的心情。

決定看一看年頭寫的網誌。由於我一年寫三百多篇網誌，有些事情我有印象自己說過，但不記得實際上說了些甚麼，所以看回自己的舊網誌也很有趣。這次我看了今年一月和二月寫的網誌，似乎由年頭到現在我的思想也沒改變多少。

也真的發生過一些很有趣的事情，還作出過一些很有趣的聯想。有時用的字眼頗為特別，在腦子滿是文字的時候形容詞也甚豐富，兩下子就洋洋一版；有時則草草記下了作過甚麼吃過甚麼，像在很悶的生活中硬要寫些甚麼似的，毫不修飾我的勉強；有時不好意思明顯地表達，就找來合意的歌詞貼上，唯獨自己才想得通是代表甚麼；有時有些甚麼臆測又不敢求證，就寫下網誌自己跟自己討論一番，結果也是無疾而終。

這個Blog年資是三年半，三年半還算是很短的時間呢。比我聽Phantom of The Opera的年日短，比我和小王子戀愛的年日短，比我工作的年日也還是要短。然而這已經是第九百九十八篇網誌，還有兩篇就累積到一千了。大大小小的事情我也記下了，可惜內容太無聊，若是我持之以恆寫的是有聊的東西，那大概是可以串起一部書，或拍一套有內容的連續劇。。。說笑而已。今天我決定不回顧這一年我作了些甚麼，因為都記在網誌裡了，我甚麼時候看也可以。而且人還是該不停的反思，而不是一年反思一次的。

至於今晚和明天會作些甚麼，則依然是沒有計劃的。嘗試過找身邊的人做些甚麼，然而全都有別的朋友幫他們計劃好了，或留在家執拾行李一號去旅行（對，竟有五個人是這樣）。唯一有可能沒事做的人則沒心情應酬我，所以我很有可能要自己做些甚麼的了。

再算吧！

一個無聊的夢

昨晚很累，所以很早就睡了。

結果一睡到電話響鬧才醒，作了很多個夢。

夢的內容大部份也記得，最有趣的那一節是我像Pazu一樣帶著一個像Sheeta的女孩從槍戰中逃走。後來要在回到現場時，進了一部電梯要按字去22樓（以往我在香港的家是22樓），按了後22樓後，電梯上上落落就是去不到22樓。我心中覺得奇怪，然而最奇怪的是正在此時發生，縱向上落的電梯突然在某一層開了門，望出去儼然是地鐵到站是開門的景象。再度關上門之後，我回過頭來，電梯已成了列車的車頭那一卡，於是我拖著這個女孩在下一個站下車了。

走過樓梯和馬路，再回到我門乘電梯的地方，這次我們和別人一起進電梯，並從別人按字時得知原本要去22樓是要按17字的。

到22樓的房間後，發現原本槍戰的現場已清理了，被我射傷的人都走了。然而入到浴室一看，還是有條「咸魚」在，那些人走時沒帶走我射死了那個，只是蓋著他而已。我在苦惱該如何處理掉這條「咸魚」，Sheeta說打電話給協會來收屍（遊擊士協會是我在打《空之軌跡》內的協會）。

我為安全起見走去關上鐵閘，值得一題的是這道閘，因為它是「孖襟」的。我從來都沒有見過鐵閘是「孖襟」的，非常特別。當然，夢中我覺得再平常不過（還不是一道閘門！），所以就很正常的去鎖上了他。正當我要把木門也關掉之時，敵人的隊長也抵達了門外，堅持進來會談，我便放了他進來。及後我以為死了的「咸魚」竟然「翻生」了，原來他沒有死。他醒來後我問他有沒有甚麼需要，他說吃點蔬菜就可以了（莫名其妙）。

還有作其他的夢，但也不是甚麼特別的內容，不提也罷。

The Time Paradox

So, ya, I have bought the book. It's the same book, just a different design and I like this design more. I couldn't find this design in Google image search, so I have to take a webcam photo of it.

Looks like it's an interesting book.

Waiting for sunshining holiday...

I need good weather from Thursday through Sunday.
I need sunshine that last for days.
I want to sit in the sun.
I want to stay outside for fun.
I can do some dreaming and reading.
I can enjoy the warm wind blowing.

One and a half day before a four days holiday.
Promise me for decent sunshine, here I pray.

麻醉

完美 甚麼完美 你不敢追 我怎麼追
我想 為所欲為 你不反對 誰敢反對

無所謂 無所謂 來麻醉我清醒的體會
無所謂 無所謂 來麻醉我所有的滋味

樂極就算會生悲 你不慚愧 我不後悔
如果繁華給摧毀 讓我好好的睡 好好的睡

你和我 反正會殊途同歸
如果一切變得乏味 我不介意半途而廢

傷悲 何來傷悲 我才不會 我怎麼會
喝醉 我想喝醉 不管那是 一杯開水

謝謝冨樫老師

「點呀，佢學結他學成點呀？」
「都幾好丫。」
「勁唔勁呀？」
「唔。。。都有C級嘅 － 如果用幽遊白書黎講。」

一說到這裡，心中一亮。果然我們是看同一樣的東西長大的，我也常用D-S級來形容強弱，非常容易明白。

更甚的是會套用畢索加對念系的性格分析。譬如說大概小王子是強化系、小王子的弟弟是變化系、我弟弟是放出系、C是具現化系、某人是操作系、我是特質系。還有，S是放出系、El是變化系、E和我一樣是特質系、安德魯和華納也是具現化系。

說說而已，不要當真。雖然根據網上的念能力測試，我果然如我所料，是特質系的。哈哈哈。。。

明年我要。。。

一回家便點燃了玫瑰味的蠟燭，對，我想我是有點沉迷。火焰在搖擺不定，四周的物件的影兒也搖擺不定，我的心情卻是平穩而輕快的。

新的一年我要學習使自己快樂，無論愛的人是否在身旁，無論愛我的人能否專注於我。不希望再一個人在家時哭，不希望依賴得太多；嬌可以撒，但不能撒嬌之時，我還是要維持著我自己。

新一年也要學習與人相處，不該太敏感時就不要太敏感，被得罪也不要悶氣上數星期，被忽略了也不要覺得不安，可以一笑置之的事情就不要放在心上久久記著；也不要怕別人容不下自己，因為容不下的我的人我作甚麼也一樣，而容得下我的人不用我刻意作甚麼也行。

我要在兩個人再生活前處理好自己。這以後您要更愛我，我要更愛您。因為我要我們在一起，到下世紀仍在嬉戲。

茶道

這次我們談一下茶道。

我和安德魯都很喜歡喝茶，以前他還在紐西蘭時，我們兩個的工作檯上合共有五、六種茶。綠茶、茉莉茶、蘋果茶、菊花茶、薄荷茶、鐵觀音、檸檬茶。。。有時還有些從巴西來的古怪茶包，連茶壺茶杯，像一個小小的茶庫，五臟俱全。要合起來數的原因是因為我們的茶都是共用的，有時還會進攻艾菲和史提芬的茶。在公司沖了一壺鐵觀音，可以喝上一個下午；又或者浸一個茶包，也可以浸出數杯茶，只不過是愈浸愈淡而已。

安德魯臨往英國時把他所有的咖啡和茶也放到我的檯上，但也所餘無幾，所以上個星期我又去了買茶包。這次買了薄荷茶、煎茶和茉莉茶，應該可喝上數個月呢。

蘋果味的蠟燭在燃燒，這次是配合著煎茶的味道，我在悠然自得。

一個人的浪漫

最近我迷上了有香氣的蠟燭，現在我點著了一枝蘋果味的，淡淡的香氣飄盪在這個狹小的空間，使我非常滿足。昨晚我點了玫瑰味的蠟燭，淡粉紅色，曖昧得很美麗。

我一向認為憂鬱和浪漫只是一線之差，所以要不憂鬱的話，就把那種情緒花在浪漫的事情上。這樣享受，心情好得不得了，就是自己一個人也快樂得很。

雖然已過了聖誕節，但我的小聖誕樹還在。這一夜我亮著了小聖誕樹的燈，跟蠟燭一起伴著我看The Shawshank Redemption和寫Blog。

你喜歡這樣嗎？

從飯島愛到時間

讓我從飯島愛開始說起。 

吃飯期間和媽媽說起飯島愛在家身亡一週才被發現一事。我知道「和媽媽說起飯島愛」是有點奇怪，但這不是重點，請容我省下解釋。回家後我在一位兄台的網誌裡看到了他對飯島愛的回憶。借飯島愛為題，頓覺物換星移；原來當初共同分享飯島愛的AV及對飯島愛的幻想的同窗男孩們，都已長大成人，不再留戀A片，故此感到唏噓萬分，也勾起許多回憶。 

歲月不居，時間一直的流，只有回憶在堆積。我們享受的，其實都是回憶。譬如說你很享受現在，然而你所享受的現在，其實是享受著已經發生了的事情。就是說很享受這一秒嘛，然而當你會過神發現自己享受這一秒，這一秒已過去。我們的快樂與失落，全在於我們回憶著這一瞬以前所發生的。或者，其實沒有人是活在現在的。 

說起回憶，讓我先想起今天看過的戲：

"I guess a memory is never finished as long as you are alive."

第二，讓我想起Daniel Dennett。這個有點複雜，一是以後有機會談起再說，一是若我某天突然心血來潮再說。 

最後讓我想起時間。猶記起有一次我說："Time is a subjective phenomenon. Our minutes never have the same length." 

今天我在一本書內看到：「時間，照哲學家的解釋，是物質存在的一種客觀形式，是由連續不斷的過去、現在、將來構成的。」有點「翹口」，但我當然明白作者在說甚麼。之不過其實不是只有Aristotle才是哲學家呢，這樣說也就是當Isaac Newton無到吧（他也算是哲學家嘛）。雖然，向來人家說"The Philosopher"，也是直指Aristotle的了。但中文沒有明示，總不能太Charitable (記得Principle of Charity?)吧。

說著說著，又扯遠了。對了，我在說「時間」。你大可以告訴我「一秒鐘」就是「一秒鐘」，然而不止我門之間的一秒鐘未必相同，就是我的這一秒鐘，也未必跟我的那一秒鐘相同。有時我們覺得時間很快，有時覺得時間很慢；說就說都是一樣多少的時間，但我的感覺也就是感覺吧。當然，你可以說感覺可能不正確，也可能被欺惑，然而不要忘記，除出了感覺，其實我們甚麼也沒有。顯淺的打個比方，你覺得自己的手很痛，醫生告訴你事實上你的手一點事也沒有，根本就不痛，你還是很痛吧。可不可以客觀地相信別人說你不痛就不會再痛呢？同樣地你覺得等待很漫長，別人告訴你其實和快樂的那段時間一樣的日子，你會覺得那就不是這麼漫長嗎？ 

另外，今年八月出了這一本書：The Time Paradox: The New Psychology of Time That Will Change Your Life，我記得我見過，但封面不是這樣的，可能是我記錯了。

Finally I watched the movies...

Jesse: Do you believe in reincarnation?
Celine: Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting.
Jesse: Yeah, right. Well, most people, you know, a lot of people talk about past lives and things like that, you know? And even if they don't believe it in some specific way, you know, people have some kind of notion of an eternal soul, right?

----------------------------------------------------------

Jesse: Do you believe in, like... ghosts or spirits?
Celine: Uhm, no.
Jesse: No?
Celine: No.
Jesse: Ok, what about reincarnation?
Celine: Not at all.
Jesse: God?
Celine: No.
Celine: That sounds... that sounds terrible. No, no, no. But, at the same time I don't wanna be one of those people that don't believe in any kind of magic, you know?

----------------------------------------------------------

People do change a lot over 9 years, even can change what you believe, or not. 

Not sure if this is something you'd noticed only if you see the movies consecutively.

So true, so real. I don't think I have the same perspectives / perceptions / understandings /  mindsets / beliefs / appetites / aversions... as 9 years ago. People change, and... I think all the cells (except something?) in a human body regenerate every seven years? So after seven years, maybe I cannot say I am still me, to certain extend.

無火

"唔該比個火機丫"
"唔。。。我地無哂火機喎，火柴就有。"
"下？無火機？（咁都得？）好啦，火柴啦咁。"

Foodtown竟然無火機？唔通聖誕節賣晒黎燒火腿？

Going out

I am going out today.

Although I am not 100% recovered, I am still going to go out today.

Sylvia Park is my destination. I am going to walk around, read a book in a coffee shop, buy something, stay in Borders for a while, have lunch...do whatever I have in mind, and whatever I can do.

Finally I am not too sick to go out.

You are welcome to join me for lunch or coffee, if you are coincidentally in Sylvia Park too.

In bed for Christmas

What did I do on Christmas Eve?

In the morning I went to Hilda's Grandma's funeral. Then Hugh and Leanne and I went to McDonald for brunch. After that Hugh and I went to work.

The original plan was to sing K from 6-9 and then go to Hilda's home for fun afterwards. However I was too sick so I went home at 12:30 p.m.. I was hoping an afternoon sleep would make me better so I can party whole night (since this is the only party I have in the Christmas period and Hilda and Rando are leaving NZ today, the 25th).

At the end I was too sick to do anything. So I slept from 1 to 4, 6:30 to 9, 9:30 to 11:30, and 1 a.m. to 8:30 this morning. My whole Christmas eve was about sleeping. Now I am not feeling much better, so I guess I will be in bed most of today as well. Hopefully I will get better later today, so at least I can sit in the living room and watch DVDs on TV instead of laptop. It's now too cold to leave my bed.

I was planning to go to the Christmas service this morning, but too sick to do so. Sorry Jesus.

Meds didn't help, and they taste awful even with peppermint tea.

Oops...

Can't believe I have done that, sorry S. >_<

下雨中

那是下著大雨的聲音。

我不喜歡下雨。一點也不。

我在等。

Last 1/3

In the last one-third of each month, I usually have the worst mood. It has nothing to do with the "other lunar cycle", it's just a cycle of mood I guess.

Now we have entered the last one-third of December 2008. I am still not too depress at this time, although I started to get frustrated and lost concentration easily. I also started to day dreaming a lot without constructing anything solid.

I just hope I can get through this month by myself.

Keep myself occupied may work. Let me get out all the DVDs that I haven't watched and watch all of them over the Christmas.

Another target of next year: Try my best not to get into any depression.

no sleep

I am not sleeping well recently.

Reluctant to sleep at night although I am tired, and wake up too early although that's against my will.

You are sleeping, while I am up and thinking.

暗湧

就算天空再深　看不出裂痕　眉頭仍聚滿密雲
就算一屋暗燈　照不穿我身　仍可反映你心
讓這口煙跳昇　我身軀下沉　曾多麼想多麼想貼近
你的心和眼口和耳亦沒緣份　我都捉不緊

害怕悲劇重演　我的命中命中越美麗的東西我越不可碰
歷史在重演　這麼煩囂城中　沒理由相戀可以沒有暗湧
其實我再去愛惜你又有何用　難道這次我抱緊你未必落空

仍靜候著你說我別錯用神　甚麼我都有預感
然後睜不開兩眼　看命運光臨
然後天空又再湧起密雲

A Good Day

It was a happy day yesterday.

I really love the house, not just being polite. The stair, the wooden handrail, the half second floor, the slopping roof with windows, the brick walls, the spa, the wooden deck, the perfect size... coincidentally align with my dream house. Not to mention the hammock, that's one of the best things in the world. I was seriously in love with the house. Too matching with my dream house including the location of the computer. I dreamt of a house like this since I was... probably before I got into secondary school. If I can change the kitchen area to fit a bar table, then it would be more perfect.

I just love it. I really really love it. I really really do.

The best parts of the day... the best parts of the day were:
- sitting on the deck looking out
- sitting on the chair behind the computer, listening to music and looking out
- lying on the hammock

I know it was supposed to be a party, and I was supposed to be happy about gathering with people, however the parts I enjoyed were the three moments I listed above. I was so so happy... until everyone came, I tried to turn to a party mood, which... well, people are creatures that live together and talk and play and party, you don't have to feel really very happy to act happy for these activities.

I have to say, those things won't be the best if I was alone in the house. I am not good at being alone in a closed area. They were the best because there's someone else in the house, which I know I don't have to talk to, and would not care if I don't talk to him, and wouldn't think I am strange if I don't talk to him, and wouldn't think I am unhappy if I don't talk to him. Whenever I need my own time, it's either I am on the street on my own, or it's a situation like this. Both work perfect for me.

It's so hard to find someone that wouldn't feel embarrassing if there's nothing in particular at that moment I want to say. People just think I am the noisy one and so I need to talk. If I don't talk, then I must be either unhappy or angry. Anyway.

Yep, so that's yesterday, that's the happy part of the day. The saddest thing was I didn't see the horses.

I was pretty happy until this morning when I woke up and realised what I said before I went to sleep. Not that I became unhappy, but...it's just another "oh no". Well, of course I mean it, I really mean it, and I still mean it, but shouldn't have said that I guess. Anyway, it's too late.

憶苦思甜

你的舌頭
不愛任何骨頭
抗拒苦澀的引誘

我卻喜歡
濃的茶烈的酒
拒絕動方便麵的念頭

酸甜苦辣　冷和熱　大概嚐透
一個人吃飯　搭配不同朋友
吃喝之間　抵達了
人生的中游
不同年份的美酒
散發出不同風流

你總找到
不吃飯的理由
我卻再也沒藉口

讓我陪你
甚麼都嚐一口
發掘神秘的滋味漫遊

酸甜苦辣　冷和熱　大概嚐透
一個人吃飯　搭配不同朋友
吃喝之間　抵達了
人生的中游
不同年份的美酒
散發出不同風流

祈祈

談起我老弟。

昨天聖誕聯歡有Secret Santa這個項目，一開我手上的禮物，看到是House M.D. season 4，興奮得尖叫起來的我立時就知道是弟弟做我的Secret Santa。當然啦，還有誰會買那麼貴的東西給我嘛。

今天談起我老弟，唔，的確，這麼多年所謂的打架都是我在打他的，老弟從來都不還手，就是給我弄得手臂都傷了，也不打我一下。回到學校同學問起他的手臂，他也不說是姊姊發飆時傷他的。可能家裡的人一早就發現我有點不尋常。說起來我們很親，他也對我很好。他甚麼都告訴我，連一些gossip也不遺留，哈哈。。。

對比起來，我是不是好姊姊呢？生日我多數會買禮物給他，有甚麼我都會試著幫他。然而看著他讀書的態度我是最不高興的，往往責罵他也是為著這事。另外還有對爸媽的態度，還是好像青春期的少年般沒禮貌。想想我中六前也是那樣不讀書，對爸媽大概惡劣百倍；只是他到現在大學了還是這樣，才讓我更看不過眼吧。但我心裡是喜歡這個弟弟的，只是有點緊張吧。而我愈緊張，就愈會說晦氣話。

看來我要學做一個更好的姊姊呢。就以此為新一年的願望之一吧。

遠親不如近鄰

所謂遠親不如近鄰， 有個好鄰居實在是一種幸福。這幾天風大，回家時車路旁的木板全都倒了下來。我一個人嘗試過把它們重新放直，然而木板又重，風又大，放好了一點，第二天又吹倒了。本來想小王子回來後再叫他把它們裝好，但今天回到家中，鄰家的Peter伯伯走出來叫著我，跟我說已經幫我排好了那些木板，還上了些螺絲固定它們，使它們不再被風吹倒，我要打開那些木板扭開那些螺絲就可以了。懷著萬二分感激的我，對他謝了又謝，說我一個人真的弄不好它們呢。Peter伯伯真的很好人，要知道我沒有請他幫我忙，只是他經過見到我的木板那樣，就自己拿出他的工具給我修好它們。他還叫我有甚麼事就找他呢。

有些朋友跟隔壁住的交惡，常常也會惹到不少麻煩；也聽過有因惡鄰而決定搬遷的人。要知道話就是說你怎樣待人人就怎樣待你，但這世界還真的是人難相處的人的。所以有這樣的鄰居真的非常幸福呢。

學中文

這次回港買了一本書，名為《中國文化背景八千詞》，還未開始看。一向有點過份咬文嚼字的我，看後大概會更加麻煩，該不只是看著黃氏夫婦餵孩子就唸出《燕詩》那麼簡單。有時也覺得自己有點脫節，加上人家也不知我說甚麼，還不都是以為我在賣弄？殊不知以中國文學之博大精深，我此等角色大概是連考會考也不會合格的。所以嘛，看到這麼有趣的書還是該買回來詳看的。

隨想。。。

禮物的包裝紙，印有幾種動物。包的時候我在想，若我剪得每隻動物也變得不完整的去包，會有人看得出是動物包裝紙嗎？

媽媽煲了咸菜豬肚湯，爸爸說：「食多啲呀。買左兩個呀。」我說：「係呀，食飽先上路嘛。」老爸聽了就當然是笑啦。我們一家一向百無禁忌，常常都「死死聲」的說笑。然而說完後，我突發奇想：若我一出門真的「上路」了，那就很好笑呢。

起哄想問問人家為甚麼看我的Blog。來這裡也好，只看減短了的Feed也好。當一個人瀏覽另一個人的Blog，一定有點原因，尤其是常客。人願意選擇某一些人，浪費時間在他們身上，不是「無聊」一詞能解釋到的。若有人來的原因單是因為「無聊」，那我勸閣下還是把時間花在別的人或別的事情上較好。噢，無論如何，來到的人請到樓下那個post回答一下吧。

很想收到聖誕禮物。唯一的原因是禮物讓我覺得有人記得我的存在。不能否認最近我很怕孤獨呢。。。只是想有人陪我，或我陪甚麼人。然而又怕過份活躍的節目，因為我已經不是那麼Hypomanic，因為我還是想過有點安靜的聖誕。所以嘛，沒人的話我大概會留在家中，或者看那兩套我一直覺得可能會悶的Before Sunrise和Before Sunset，或者再看一次Sweeney Todd（非常有聖誕氣氛的血紅！），或者看Amazing Grace。和我的小聖誕樹在一起，也很悠閒。想有人陪，大概是不想我自己一不小心哭了出來吧。

快看完Dexter Season 3，還剩一集明天向史提芬索取。某人說：「又話唔鍾意壞人！」對，我不喜歡壞人哦，所以我也不是喜歡Dexter本身，只是情節太好看嘛。許多喜歡看Dexter的人都覺得Dexter Morgan這個角色很sexy，之不過論sexy。。。我還是會選Gregory House吧。想來我還是喜歡有腦的人。慢著，Dexter在殺人方面也真的算有點才華，唔，那些覺得有才華就可以的女孩們或許覺得可以呢。

問題

我想問你一個問題，對，問你，所有看到這個的人。

到底你為甚麼會來看我的Blog？抱著甚麼心情看？

我希望每個看到這問題的人也回答。可以用Anonymous，也可以標明Not go public，只是我想知道，我想看看你在想甚麼。我是大概知道平時有甚麼人來的，所以你不答我會失望。

就當是我們之間的秘密（如果Not go public）或交通吧。

bored

I am bored. So bored that I just want someone to talk to... 

The 1st Christmas card and presie

Unexpectedly, first Christmas card and presie is from Microsoft. See the photo below. Actually there are some TechEd DVDs too, but let's not take a photo of the geeky stuff. :P

P.S. Daryl's writing is bad! haahaha...

單身

昨晚跟Do、Da、Lui、小輝、Lele、Bobby仔和剛榮升未婚妻的Estee吃飯。小五只在我們去「飲野」的時候出現，他的公司真的有那麼多東西做嗎？另人費解。席間當然說了不少廢話，更多時間是討論Bobby仔九月結婚，下一個跑出該是法蘭西斯，小輝和Lele又該何時結婚，小五又為何還未表態，Lui又想何時找個人來結婚。。。總之就是談結婚的一頓晚飯，也不是有趣的話題。

其實結婚真的不是甚麼有趣的話題，尤其是我剛剛那個星期日在教會隨便望過了一本說單身的書，更覺得其實單身也不錯，結婚不是一定要選擇的結局，更不是比較優越的結局。當然，這是對沒有對象的人而言，若是有穩定的對象，也不準備分開的話，幹麼不結婚呢。言則，有對象的是該結婚，沒有的話也沒必要太刻意尋找吧。無奈剛領悟單身的好處的我，已屬太遲了吧，哈哈哈哈。。。現在也無退路了（笑）。

說是這樣說，我這種人大概不能單身，因為空有獨立的主義卻往往缺乏獨立生活的精神，不懂得填補一個人時的空虛感。享受一個人的時間，卻又離不開人群。特別是大時大節，我總想有人陪我過。。。

只愛陌生人

我愛上一道疤痕
我愛上一盞燈
我愛傾聽 轉動的秒針
不愛其它傳聞

我愛的比臉色還單純
比寵物還天真
當我需要的只是一個吻
就給我一個吻

我只愛陌生人
我只愛陌生人

我愛上某一個人
愛某一種體溫
喜歡看某一個眼神
不愛其它可能

願我可以學會放低你

任我出去任我飛
遊蕩兩日又重踏這地
沒有牽掛就會死
難道我靈魂被你收起
自己都管不了自己
太多錯誤經已因你起
我都知 再找你
連幸福都要放棄

其實你有多好
到別處碰不到
至令我重返這條路
臨近晚節不保
卻行到這一步
難道天空海闊再無芳草

願我可以學會放低你
就讓我重頭來過物色新知己
望著你的臉如山水一般優美
要走的我　總企在原地
願我可以絕到踢走你
但是我如何能拒絕張開的臂
自問我可以贏你
但喜歡輸給你
猶像你親於我自己
我怎可以　一刀切下來親手　傷你

其實你有多好
到別處碰不到
美麗到危險的程度
臨近晚節不保
卻行到這一步
沿路的山丘已化成焦土

願我可以學會放低你
就讓我重頭來過物色新知己
望著你的臉如山水一般優美
要走的我　總企在原地
願我可以絕到踢走你
但是我如何能拒絕張開的臂
自問我可以贏你
但喜歡輸給你
猶像你親於我自己
我怎可以　一刀切下來親手　傷你
我只可以　將心割下來親手　給你

無心吃喝

不知道該不該說，但至少寫中文可免卻公司的人看了的麻煩。不想說是因為我不太想有人理我。。。

我不太想吃東西。

不是不餓，只是看到了食物時沒甚麼興趣；就是吃下也很快飽了。吃不完一碗春卷朦，是很辛苦才吃下半碗；昨晚沒有吃米飯，吃其他東西的份量也少我平常吃的許多；巧克力慕斯蛋糕吃了一半後開始覺得勉強，幸好有杯咖啡協助我硬生生的吞完了。今天到現在為止我甚麼也沒吃過，然而卻覺得應該吃些甚麼了，因為我的神志混濁，有點肚餓。但肚餓還肚餓，若你問我想不想吃，我還是沒甚麼興趣的。。。且看半小時候晚餐的表現如何，看我能否吃多一點。

體重是驟降，然而其實也不用擔心，我還未跌到結婚時的體重，所以也不是特別的瘦，只是瘦得有點快而已。大概只是我之前太胖吧。

O Christmas Tree

I bought a small Christmas tree for myself and decorated it. Does that mean I am romantic?

Or does that mean I am lonely?

Conflict

I want to sleep, but I don't want to sleep.

發獃

坐著坐著，我開始覺得有一點無聊。是該去洗澡的，卻連移動也有點懶。。。其實也不是懶，正確的說，是沒心機起身前去洗澡。我知我很麻煩，不好意思，容我再這樣發獃多一會兒。

我好想做一個漂亮的人，還要性格好，聰敏又有藝術感。無奈我又不漂亮，性格又差，藝術家的（發）脾氣是有的，卻沒有藝術感。唯一是有一點小聰明，然而卻是太少了，有點弄巧反絕，大愚若智。為此我總是有點沮喪，但有點自以為是的我卻又不想改變，總覺得有點特別總比普普通通好，就算是特別惹人討厭也好。

要在人群中找到自己覺得舒服的模式，又要別人都適應，實在很難。

慢著，我的hypomanic期結束了嗎？怎麼我又開始說這些的？

My messy desk

Thanks Helen for a photo of my messy desk! :D

Pure in Heart

小喬的足跡

上次媽媽回港時買了兩個文件夾，本來不是給我的，然而我看過了後實在不能任由他們給我以外的人。沒有理由不是給我的啊！寫著小喬啊！

自此就喜歡上了這一系列。在老闆娘的店裡看到了小喬的鎖匙扣，非常喜歡，便買了它，還買了座檯月曆。剛剛發現原來小喬有本書的呢！這本書的名字是《小喬的樹不見了》。

清心的人有福了。可惜我總是一個不清心的人吧。。。太多旁務。

What if...

之前某人言及我bipolar。醫生一定不喜歡我說起，他大概是覺得我疑心病太重更致我成為一個杞國之人。當然他是沒看過我為著社會上醫療與法律公平與否的討論說著就激動得哭起來，也沒見弟弟激怒了我後我大哭大叫拿東西扔他並捏他的手臂以致今時今日還有疤痕，還有為著可憐的saxophone被少碰了而討厭那個bass、哭了一整晚和傷心了三天。。。有更多談不及數句普通題目就激動得哭起來的例子，還有無端異乎尋常的憂鬱一段日子，全無生存意義般。老媽也說我小時有躁狂症般，又經常尖叫，還會咬人。。。

要想起來好像還有很多事件。。。似乎我從小到大也有一點問題。然而要判斷到底會不會只是我性格上的問題，還是化學作用上出了問題，實在不容易吧。所以我一向都當是我的性格不好而已。加上醫生常叫我不要想太多，所以我也有點逃避驗證的心吧。而且萬一我真的有點問題，要吃些甚麼藥的話不就會把我僅有興奮的時期也抹殺掉麼？那生命可能更無意義，或者我會變蠢吧？那就真的很不好了。

最近我心情異常的好，應該說許久也沒這樣的好了。對工作對人生對身邊的人我也多了點熱誠般，若我是有點問題的話這大概是屬hypomanic episode。若是這樣的心情能持久就好了。。。

一言催淚

小王子貼著電話小聲的說：「我好掛住你呀。」

我的眼淚就豆大的掉下來了。




為甚麼我這麼搞笑的呢！！！！家下拍愛情文藝片咩！

好心情

經過連續兩天只吃一餐的生活，我果然立刻瘦下了2kg，非常神奇，可能是我在香港吃得太多了。最可怕的地方應該是明明很肚餓的時候，卻是吃一點就覺得消化不來了。幸好我還滿喜歡吃的，絕不會患厭食症，倒是吃得太多則有可能。

今天是Nixon的廿一歲生日，我已買了他的生日禮物，明晚到他家時就送給他。雖然他是跟我老弟說過不用買，但一來我買了才知道，二來買禮物不是說需要不需要，三來生日要有禮物才開心的嘛（雖然我是不太會買禮物的人）。廿一歲呢。。。去的廿一歲已過了好幾年了，我的腦子卻好像沒長大得太多似的；或者這樣比較好，要是我這幾年成熟了很多，那就不可以再說些有的沒的廢話（雖然小輝前天好像說我成熟了。。。去你的！我還是一樣的天真可愛吧。）

最近是好心情。獨獨工作時很忙，精神有點緊張；放工後的我倒是很開心，充滿活力的。

Hungry Jac(k's)

I am tire and hungry now... well, hungry of course, all I have for today is a Chicken and Corn soup with two pieces of bread for lunch. No dinner for me because I was on the plane all the time.

Maybe I should sleep early to forget the hungriness.

飛機上

在往Wellington的飛機上，還要轉機才能回到Auckland。今早五時起床，現在已很累。

七時左右。

**********

轉眼已八時半，在往Auckland的飛機上。終於進入今天最後一程飛機，只需一小時呢，快要抵家了。到達回家後還要不要買或煮些甚麼吃好呢？昨天九時半左右才由公司回到媽媽家吃晚飯，一整天也只吃了這一頓飯；今天午餐吃了Chicken & corn soup和兩片麵包，若今晚甚麼也不吃的話好像不太好呢。。。但十時左右還找東西吃也有點困難，這麼夜吃東西也會睡得不好呢。。。實在有點為難。

昨晚我叫某人盡可能刪去有我的部份，因為洗澡時想起若主人家在香港是要播出來的話，給我家的老細見到一定會不喜歡。說是一回事，看到我眞的這麼貪玩還是不太好吧。

說起上來，Do回來後我又不經意拾起那種語調，再加上心情好就更像以前他們都在時般口花花。。。

我的夢想

談及夢想。

我的夢想是擁有一間店，日間是咖啡屋，夜晚則是酒吧。最好是在海旁，每天播著各種各樣不同形式的音樂，我閒時可以抹抹杯子，或哼哼唧唧，隨興跳舞。

當然，我的店和別人的不同，因為它還是一間軟件公司，員工在店裡拿著手提電腦，到哪一個角落工作也可以。有需要時可請賣咖啡的職員沖一杯香濃咖啡，或是吃一些蛋糕甜點。店裡有來喝咖啡的客人，也有來跟我門談公事的客人。有需要的話，內裡還有一間安靜的會議室可用。

從港回來後跟大老細言及這個夢想，他說若在香港開分公司，我們就這樣辦。

互補

席間還跟免治小姐說起兩人互相補足和配合。

相似的人讓人找到歸屬感，或會互相吸引；然而太相似的性格很難相處融洽，就是要互補才能長久。若是兩方的優點和缺點一樣，那愛自己就可以了，何必找個人來和自己比較。心靈相通也不一定要性相近才可以，兩人可以有自己的主意但知道對方想甚麼。當然，性格相近的心靈相通來得自然一點，不太需要時間培養；但兩個常常同一般想法的人，實在不能給對方甚麼好處，很難協助對方成長。所以我還滿慶幸小王子和我的不同。在不同的地方我們都找到自我，而且他使我成長了許多。

不能否定在對人和處事上有時很難有共鳴，但據說無論對比甚麼人我也有點怪，所以也不出奇吧。。。

席間談起浪漫

承上題，席間談起這個浪漫的問題。我說小王子不是一個浪漫的人，然而我要的浪漫又不是馬先生這一種。

我大概是很麻煩的類型，太淺白的嫌太淺白，隱晦的又要有詩意，又要能夠明白。我會覺得浪漫的歌，大概是《當這地球沒有花》、《小王子》、《Di-Dar》等等。。。

我喜歡。。。只有我能夠領會到的浪漫。最好別人不明白，不理解，看不到。

杜小姐出嫁記

昨天是馬杜聯婚，siuken終於把jijija娶回家了。新娘子非常漂亮，看著看著我非常高興，許多幕還看得我眼濕濕的，感動萬分。那是因為看得我很掛念殿下，又感概他不在我的身邊。能撒嬌的對象不在，實是非常苦惱。

小姐接到了花球，信不信由你，我差點哭出來了（笑），那是代表嫁得出吧！當然，我是私心的想若這是預兆復合的話則更好，哈哈哈，不過若是有更好的人我也不介意（說得好像是我家的女兒般。。。），只要是幸福就好。而接到花球預示了幸福，我是這樣認為，也深信不疑，故非常感動，真差沒有哭出來的（笑x2）。看我是多麼的擔心小姐。

夜晚，我絕對沒有喝醉。雖知我平常是不喝酒，但其實酒量還可以的，絕不會被兩口Gin and Tonic灌醉。之不過酒不醉人人自醉，我是極易為氣氛影響的人，所以不能否定我是非常高興的，甚至到今天我還很高興呢。至於「李清照之點絳唇」一事則是。。。我根本就不太記得，定是這說謠言之人誇大其詞了，不能盡信。

席間還討論了一個有趣的問題，另外再談吧。

港遊記（二） － 兩周年

十一月廿五日是我們的結婚兩周年紀念。下午小王子和我過了海，逛逛灣仔和銅鑼灣，大約五時許我們就到中環去乘山頂纜車。我大概有二十年沒坐過山頂纜車，十五年沒上過山頂，所以非常期待。對啦，我想為印有251108的山頂纜車票影張相放在這裡的，後補吧。

在山頂逛了凌霄閣和山頂廣場，買了兩張postcards給安德魯和大老細，及一籠叉燒包磁石給華納。逛完了便往Bubba Gump吃晚飯。熟識小王子的人可能會知道他是Forrest Gump的愛好者，所以未返港前就計劃了要來看一看。他終於再見到了多年前擁有的那對Forrest Gump Nike波鞋，而我則對夜景著迷不已。是一個很好的晚上。

晚飯後坐纜車下山回去，抵家還趕得及看九時半的珠光寶氣（其實不是很好看）。夠充實的一天，不會感覺冗長，早上睡得夠，整天二人世界，回家還能輕鬆輕鬆，是在港最完美的一天呢。

最好的日子，還是要和小王子一起才可以達到。

Blessed

You smile and I am blessed.
You laugh and I am possessed.
You climb
The clouds caress.
Yes, I am blessed.
Yes, I am blessed.

You smile and I am blessed.
You lie and I am dust.
And you ride
London’s wilderness.
Yes, I am blessed.
Yes, I am blessed

港遊記（一）

本來想寫十一月廿五日兩週年紀念的事情，但現在沒有相機，想圖文並茂是做不到的了，但我有一樣東西還是想先拍照再寫，於是乎就決定先用web cam介紹一下我在港作了些甚麼。

	首先，我喝了許多包蜜瓜荳奶。不熟悉蜜瓜荳奶的人，請看左圖。這是較新的包裝，以往陽光是藍色間條的。
	然後就是我的黃耀明CD《King of The Road》。一個字 － 型，不須多說。
	還買了One Piece的船，零食物語賣＄238，我買＄135，呵呵呵。
	有Wall-E和Eve的糖。從未吃過這類糖果的人，該質疑一下自己過了一個怎樣的童年呢。。。
	老麥有熊換。唯一打動我的是葛文輝設計的那隻黑熊，我想web cam影得不清楚的了，因為它是全黑的。。。
	還買了新銀包，因為我那個Agnes b由淺藍色變成淺灰色了。。。
	這個呢。。。藍色那塊是小王子的，紅色那塊是我的。我要拿回公司，用作Red flag，以示Red time。
	還有一隻貓。要知道我是十分喜歡貓貓狗狗的人，很難抗拒可愛的貓狗東西。

還有一些衣服。我買了很少，但二嬸給我兩大大大袋，所以還是有很多衣服。另外我還買了麥嘜和麥兜的安全帶套，只不過已經pack好在我的行李中，所以不能拿出來啦。。。還有些東西，等港遊記（二）再說吧。

靜坐著

心情不太好的我，想自己一個人。想和平常一樣板起臉孔，或是發一下小脾氣；然而有別人在的地方，就不是自己的地方，沒有自己的空間。你要不高興嗎？還要給別人一個不高興的理由。皺一個眉，人家就會來問幹麼皺眉。理由不夠充分會被人覺得橫蠻，若是沒有理由更不用得別人體諒了。其實我又何須別人明白，最好甚麼人都不聞不問。你不問，就不需解釋；不需解釋，就不需你明白，不需你覺得合理。我又幹麼要別人覺得我合乎情理的過生活？

或者我是太自我，或者因為這樣，我不可以長期和任何人同住。要是我每次發飆起來，還要兼顧同室的人的感受，我想我很快會死。

另外，近來我聽到最無稽的說法，是讀哲學使我情緒不穩。我想說搞錯了，今日我能接受多些別人和我有所偏差的看法，少一點不滿和執著，還要多謝我多讀了這一點的書。這一點書是叫我穩定了許多。

然而，人情味還是缺的。

人還是很差的東西。

我大概仍是看死了狗比死了人傷心的人。

不要妄想我會修飾些甚麼叫任何人開心。

免喇

昨天和醫生會面。快做老爸的醫生，一點也沒有老爸應有的樣子。希望仔仔的眼睛不要像老爸一般的小就好了，像媽瑪啦，大眼睛一點；最好不要像老爸那麼現實和大男人主義，有點文藝氣息才好，還得學懂打麻雀和看電視以外的東西。

人家的孩子總是可愛的。當然啦，一個哭鬧就把他還給他的老爸老媽來處理，可是半點責任也沒有的哦；還不需要應付家中高堂的溺寵，或看不過眼閣下怎樣教育孩子；也不用擔心他將來變壞了，或蠢得像頭牛般讀書不成，或長大了找個不夠好的對象。。。等等。

每回港一次，或每和其他人住在一起，我就更怕有自己的孩子。

百無聊賴

在港已兩週半，還有一週半便回紐西蘭。這段時間我沒有寫過一字半句，一來沒甚麼聯想，二來每天出出入入時間不太充實，三來買了新遊戲，四來還是要在這邊工作，五來香港生活無聊，沒甚可取之處。

前幾天往某處時發生了一件巧合的事情，更巧合的卻在回家後上網才發現。雖則說喜好類同，然而這樣的巧合還是嚇到我了，唯有嘆一下世事真的無奇不有。我是決計不會說出這個巧合，就當是我心有鬼，我是怕太相似。

至於去這個某處，說我不怕某人生氣就假的。我本意是不表明真身，純粹是沉默的八掛一下。一見門鈴我就心知不妙，若是我自己就鐵定回頭。然而誓不退後並惟恐天下不亂的小王子又哪會懼怕，還不一馬當先按鈴說「你好」？我被逼得無退路嘛，也唯有硬著頭皮隨後而進。雖說我本是想沉默的，但明知自己不會說謊，只要人家一問我哪裡來就必然穿崩的了。結果？果然。不然你說還會是怎樣。

主人家叫我在Facebook找她，當時我是哈哈哈的說好，回到家又怕被某人發現，尷尷尬尬的扭扭拎拎，不知如何是好。結果還是把心一橫，睬佢都有味，我理佢丫！

Reading The Last Lecture

I have bought The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch with the 50% discount voucher from Borders on Monday. Yesterday on the plane from Brunei to Hong Kong I have been reading the book. I love the book and could hardly put it down.

Let me write a bit more about it when I finish the book. :)

http://thelastlecture.com

Being away

I will miss you... all!

Waiting

sleep, or no sleep.

Dive into negativity

I am in a bad mood. I think I am.

This is one kind of worst situations, that you know he's in a bad mood, which easily causing me to have swing my mood as well, but I cannot blame on him, or tell him I am not happy, or be angry with him.

So it's like... I have to be the sink for the negative emotions of both of us.

James said that today I seem to be happier than usual. Oh, did I? Do I? I am not sure, but I do feel as hollow as usual, maybe emptier.

Post your secrets

Let's talk about the idea about PostSecret.

Some people find it hard to understand why would someone like to post secrets to random people, or even expose to the public. A guy made a comment that it's like writing blog, and he thought eventually writing blog is for people to read. I disagree, partially. I never want everyone come to read my blog, coz most of them would not understand.

Anyway, a secret is not a secret if the content is not being linked to a particular person you know, i.e. not in context. Look at some examples on PostSecret:

"When I'm with you, I wear my sexiest thongs......(Just in Case)"
"My fiancé is secretly gay. And it secretly turns me on"
"Once I kissed a boy and I thought I was pregnant"

You may think they are interesting, or funny, or sad, but they are not so much a secret to you until (IF) you find out that they are related to people around. Imagine if you had found out that I had posted the first one, then you may wonder who is the "you" that making me wearing sexiest thongs, which is a more real secret now. Imagine if you had found out that I had posted the second one instead, then you may also had found out some secret about my little-prince. The third one is not going to be an interesting secret no matter who post it, because it is not current and not important, i.e. a boring statement that is so random that not sure why someone would have treated it as a secret.

I would like to know secrets of some people, it just give a sense of closer relationship. Not that I want to dig out things that they don't want to share. I think people who share secrets, display a close and intimate relationship - kind of sexy and romantic. Note that it has nothing to do with a boy-girl love relationship.

Some sort of surprise

It was pretty amazing and unexpected.

Labour weekend

我提早回來了，因為掛心我的王子。這兩天的假期非常好，享受著陽光與海灘，還有spa pool，很舒服呢。然而爸爸打電話來告訴我後，我真的很擔心小王子，所以就趕回來了。昨晚王子沒怎麼睡，希望今晚他可以睡好一點。

By The Sea

She can walk out anytime, anytime she wants to walk out, that's fine,
She can walk out anytime, anytime she feels that life has passed her by,
And when I start my new life I won't touch the ground,
I'm gonna try hard this time not to touch the ground.

He can walk out anytime, anytime he wants to walk out, that's fine,
He can walk out anytime, across the sand, into the sea, into the brine,
And when I start my new life I won't touch the ground,
I'm gonna try hard this time not to touch the ground.

So we sold the car and quit the job
and shook some hands and wiped the make-up right off,
And we said our good-byes to the bank
left Seven Sisters for a room in a seaside shack,
And when I start my new life I won't touch the ground,
I'm gonna try hard this time not to touch the ground.

it's by the sea we'll breed
into the sea we'll bleed

沒下雨

雖然一早的humidity就93%，下午烏雲也有點厚，而我的右腿仍有風濕痛，但時至夜晚九點十分，天還是沒有下雨。估計錯誤是一件好事，我不喜歡下雨呢。猶記起很高分那篇中學昨文談下雨天，說我很喜歡雨天，那全是大話呢，雖然那篇文很高分，還免謄。

Weather prediction

"Tomorrow's gonna rain."
"Why?"
"Coz my leg is feeling a bit painful."
"Oh...Does that mean you should not drive the yellow car tomorrow?"
"...that's what came up in your mind?"
"Ummm...so do you need any heat rub?"

My little-prince cares about the new car more than my leg pain, so sad. :(

So close

We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

Happily ever after

今天逛Whitcoulls時，通常播著兒童片的電視正播著Sleeping Beauty的結尾，就是公主和王子跳著舞，穿紅衣和穿藍衣的fairy godmothers不停地改變公主的裙子的顏色那一段，播著的歌是主題曲Once upon a dream。聽著便唱起來的我，感動得有點想流淚呢。。。我是停留在童話時代的人吧。

I know you
I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you
The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
Yet I know its true
That visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you
I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
The way you did once upon a dream

回家後立刻躲在房裡看了Enchanted。非常喜歡。

iMAgiNiff

Sunday we were playing iMAgiNiff at E's home. There were three rounds I kept thinking about them afterwards.

1. If I were on a bus with a celebrity I like, what would I do?
Everyone picked 2 for me, i.e. "I would ignore him". Myself picked 4, i.e. "I would say 'Hello' but respect his privacy". Little-Prince said he would have picked 2 for me as well. I started to wonder, would I really just ignore him eventually? Maybe I were not that brave to say "Hello"? Maybe the others were all right and it's just myself not knowing myself good enough? haha...

2. If I were a punctuation, what would I be?
Although there were 6 answers to choose from, my mind was just choosing between two: a Question mark and an Exclamation mark. I wanted to choose Exclamation mark. My interaction with the world is more like an exclamation than a question. Nevertheless, I had chosen a Question mark at the end, because I know S had chosen that for me, and I also knew that E would pick the Exclamation mark. After this round, besides rethinking whether I am a question or an exclamation, I am also amazed by the fact that I knew exactly what they would pick for me.

3. If he were an emotion, what would he be?
This has nothing to do with me, but interesting to mention what people have selected. Everyone had selected "bored", while E and I had selected "romantic". As I said, for me this was a round about honesty VS getting point, and I had chosen the earlier. It wasn't a hard choice, it's just funny.

暴風雨過後

醫生很有心的傳了短訊給我，問我最近怎樣，是不是不開心，叫我照顧自己。很感動呢。。。雖然我不太喜歡別人問候我，然而別人的心意我還是領受的。安德魯也有問我怎麼了，說有點擔心；我也告訴他已處理好了，不用擔心了。

我是沒興趣和別人分享問題的人，除了一個人以外。在這個人面前崩潰，我想我只是希望得到安慰。他是唯一一個我期待的人呢。。。其實我滿喜歡間中發生這樣的事情，聽起來有點變態，但這樣歇斯底里，反讓我覺得有。。。愛情的感覺，何其轟烈。

我大概是真的有點兒那個。

Settled

Everything's settled. Back to normal.

Today I left work early, but at least we got things sorted.

Guess there're not many choices for a couple who are in love anyway. Predictable outcome.

Just a matter of past and present, things overlapping and influencing each other. Our childhood, our past, our brought up, things that have been broken and never get a chance to fix. One's feeling insecure, one's feeling scared.

it's nothing

I am not happy, and I do not know why I am not happy.

There is something missing. I feel hollow.

I want to say no one cares about me, but the truth is that I may not want anyone to care about me as well.

Am I being loved? Am I loving people around me?

Am I observing people in their cages? Am I in a cage being observed?

Seem to me they are all from another planet, another world.

Or I am from another planet, another world.

What am I doing here?

He's used to my melancholy. Nothing special, nothing to care, nothing to comfort.

I am so empty.

Where's my soul?

I am not unhappy. I am just... not feeling anything.

Torture me till I realise I am alive.

Or torture me till he shows his care and worry, then I can feel my importance, and I am being loved.

秘密

小王子問我的秘密是甚麼，我想了許久，終於想到了一個。既是秘密，當然不打算公諸於世。想了許久之故，當然不是因為我沒有秘密，只是要想小王子不知道的秘密，則比較難一點，有些所謂的秘密，也不是甚麼他會有興趣的東西，所以也不算是秘密。

我認為沒有人會對之感興趣的就不是秘密。說出來，聽者只會打呵欠的，算甚麼秘密呢。。。秘密是好奇的副產品，若不能叫人好奇，也就沒成秘密的價值了。

我倒是有一籮筐的秘密，並且認為所有人也有一籮筐的秘密，大都牽涉對別人的真正看法和感情；或家人，或朋友，不太認識的人，及至憎恨的人，人們都藏著一籮筐的秘密，甚至連自己也瞞騙了許久。

以為我算率直嗎？何嘗不是適當的裝飾一點，騙自己，騙別人。

False hope

I hope it's for me. Though I do not think it is.

Diet of Worms

Come across this term: Diet of Worms.

Haha, unless you know what this is, otherwise I bet what's in your mind was wrong.

A Dream (interpretation)

This is a very interesting dream. I think it represents the way I see God and reality.

The shy boy is the creator of the mask I am wearing at the beginning of the dream. Then he tries to communicate with me by creating two other figures. These two figures are him, in different shapes and sexuality. They do different things and communicate with each other, but actually they are one. In the dream I understand that the boy is the same as the parents although I see them talk to each other. The boy does not talk to me anymore after he has created the parents, until he started to explain the 3D objects he created. As I said, he's a shy boy. The mum is the one doing the talking and making pancakes. The dad greet me, look at me and smile, but hasn't say much.

The boy then talks about the reality he has created. One of my hypothesis about reality is things only exist when you interact with them, and only the parts you see exist. So most of the time things are hollow, with outer 3D shape if you look at it in a 3D way. As you go inside a shape, e.g. changing battery for your wireless mouse, structure inside the mouse and the batteries also are 3D shape. All you see is the outer walls of things. For internal things that you cannot see, they may as well not exist.

Interesting. I thought my brain would be full of 70-528 Web-Based Client Development exam practice test questions last night.

A Dream

I had a dream this morning that I shall write it down. It is not the only dream I had last night (plus this morning), but it is an unusual dream. Note this dream is in cartoon style. To be clear, I am going to use some images.

I am a young boy in a blue and white horizontal strips T-shirt. I have just met another young boy who's in a green and white horizontal strips T-shirt.

"Remove it", he said.

Then I remove my mask. It is not a face-mask, but a full head mask.


"How do you know that, did Eric tell you (that I wear a mask)?", I said.

This guy took my mask, point onto it and said "Here is my signature. I made this."

Then he took out a mask and wore it onto his face. He has became a shy young boy. I watched him took out another mask and put it onto an object, and that object became a living man. This man didn't talk much, but he greeted me in some way. I stared at him and didn't say a word. The shy young boy saw that I was not very comfortable with this man, so he pulled out another mask, and out of nothing, he created a living woman who's wearing an apron.

"Do you want some pancake?", she asked. Before I say anything, she turned her back and started making some pancakes for me. She had some conversations with the shy boy while she's cooking. At this point I understood that these are parent figures.

The boy turned to me and started talking. "I can create 3D objects", He said, and he took out a big piece of glass brick.


This glass brick is huge. He first showed me the side highlighted in yellow in the daigram. It's hard to explain what I see, the closet analogy is like looking into a fridge with the fridge door opened. "You see, this side is 3D. But it's not just that. When you are looking from the side, it is also a 3D image.", he said, while he was turning his glass brick and showing me the side highlighted in green.


After that he took out another piece of huge glass brick, which is divided into small squares. the four side of every square has a 3D image, but the middle is empty. The is a small insect in one of the square to prove it is empty.

Then my alarm woke me up.

BA?

I am seriously considering extending my graduated diploma to a double major BA degree. I have already completed enough Philosophy papers for a Philosophy major (if I pass the current one). That means from next semester I will be starting my second major plus some other BA papers. What other papers? It depends whether I am going to get a double major + minor degree, or a pure double major degree. If I am aiming for a minor as well, then I may make it either Italian or Latin.

Well, I am not sure whether I am going to do a BA yet. Still thinking. Yet I have decided what my second major would be if I am going for it. See the title of one of my blogs, you will know.

Merely matter does not matter

He said he doesn't understand why am I angry.

I am not angry. I am upset.

I was crying all the time. You didn't see it, you didn't hear it. Maybe it's a good thing.

I am not in my form... well matter is always in certain form. Maybe malformed.

Facebook reminds me something...

There are two things I want to note on this screen shot.

1. Look at the red curved-corner rectangle. There the message is "X and Y happy anniversary and Congratulations for being a father soon!". I really admire the writer (and his wife) for being so loving and caring. For birthday, we remember closer friends' birthday, and facebook reminds you the not so close friends' one. Yes we often know when friends are pregnant, but remembering friends' wedding anniversary? Man, that's very impressive. I am always appreciated with the birthday, mother's day and father's day cards and presents this family send us, and I just want to say that there are more than that in this family.

Loving and caring, I wish I can do that naturally without making people feel that it is awkward. I remember last year I asked this guy whether his birthday was coming up soon and when was it going to be. Instead of telling me the answer, he told me to ask this couple because they always remember everyone's birthday. At last I didn't ask them and some how I found out this guy's birthday. I don't think he's particularly excited about birthday, but anyway, I kept his birthday in mind because I felt ashamed when he said this couple "have heart" (I don't know how to express this in English). I took it as I don't really care about people enough. Therefore, this year I bought a birthday present for him on his birthday. Apparently trying to be nice without being strange is not easy for me, at least my little-prince thought it's strange.


2. Look at the orange curved-corner rectangle. There is a guy that have 66 mutual friends with me but not in my friend list. Well, there is a reason for sure, although until now I have no idea what it is. Nevertheless, I don't want him to be in my facebook friend list anymore. Not that I don't like him, just don't want to. To be more precise, actually I want him to be out of my list, for some mysterious psycological reason. Maybe not that mysterious, I had experience similar reaction before when a girl friend of mine misunderstood something and pushed me away. I was quite upset at first and cried and cried and cried. Later I gave up, eventually turned into "I don't care about you and I don't want to be your friend". To be more precise, I wanted her not to be my friend.

Hmm, guess that's a complete opposite to loving and caring, haha.

jango

Thanks to jango, I have been listening to Brett's Wilderness and some older songs today at work (unromantically while my .NET 2.0 framework is doing some stupid thing, as well as my registry). Wilderness is much better than his previous solo album.

Crap that jango site is still down. I thought it said "a few minutes"?

You said something...not really

We lean against railings
Describing the colours
And the smells of our homelands
Acting like lovers
How did we get here?
To this point of living?
I held my breath
And you said something

...you didn't...Why should you.

Brett, you are cool

Brett Anderson Explains How He Escaped The Rat Race To Find His Wilderness
- Luke Turner, September 10th, 2008 17:17

http://www.thequietus.com/articles/brett-anderson-explains-how-he-escaped-the-rat-race-to-find-his-wilderness

Dance, dance, wherever you may be

Believe it or not, actually I love to learn dancing. I would love to dance. I think dancing is so romantic.

The problem for me is:

I would like to dance with someone who want to dance as well.

躲

今天選擇了留在家中甚麼也不做只因為心情不好。昨晚我便定意今天留在家中，一早起來便申報自己不太舒服。

心理上不適，也算是病吧。

最近我對工作上的一切都欠缺興致，有點希望能躲起來甚麼也不幹。我想是間歇性厭倦自己的工作，需要大休一會才能真正恢復過來。

今天，只是今天，讓我沒精打采，甚麼也不幹，盡說些沒意思的話。

Staff needed in Ponsonby...

Some craps

Am I waiting?

emotional landscapes, they puzzle me.

Maybe I was waiting, but, not anymore.

I ought to give up. Not a choice, I ought to.



I don't like having dinner in small table with nearly-not-known strangers. Yeah you said they are not strangers, they came for dinner on our wedding. Yet to me they are strangers. They were strangers to me on the wedding dinner, and they are still strangers to me now. I don't even remember their faces! Sorry that if you are not happy about that. Well, at least I attended the dinner, I kept my smile when they looked at me, I talked when they talked to me. You cannot force me to accept they are not strangers, and you can't be angry that I am not comfortable with strangers. We were not on the same channel, not even close. I was bored. Like you don't want to come with us for the trips, I don't want to social with strangers; but at least I did go, which was so different from your anti-social behaviour. Of course, I wish I could say no too.

I have to admit that I am not comfortable with most of the people anyway, that's why I cannot stay in Hong Kong for too long. 3 weeks is the maximum I can stay, otherwise I'd have gone crazy very soon. People are mostly hard to deal with. They don't understand what you say, and interpret your words in their twisted way of thinking, and question the truth of your words unreasonably, and angry with you because of the reasons they have developed in their own imagination, and they have no sense of humour, and they don't get metaphors. When you talk, they think you talk too much and not respecting; when you remain silence, they think you are impolite and hard to communicate. You can't tell them you don't like to talk to them because you think you are on different channel, and you can't tell them their jokes are not funny, and you can't tell them their so-called sarcasms are too offensive.

Anyway.

My secrets

At last I have split myself into four expressions. This is how I can keep the balance, and my secrets.

My secrets.

Occasionally I have one or two secrets, but I tend to express them as a non-secret way. Kind of like Dexter talking about his urge of killing in the NA group:

Dexter Morgan: I'm Dexter and I'm not sure what I am.
Narcotics Anonymous Group: Hi, Dexter.
Dexter Morgan: I just know there's something dark in me and I hide it. I certainly don't talk about it, but it's there always, this Dark Passenger. And when he's driving, I feel alive, half sick with the thrill of complete wrongness. I don't fight him, I don't want to. He's all I've got. Nothing else could love me, not even... especially not me. Or is that just a lie the Dark Passenger tells me? Because lately there are these moments when I feel connected to something else... someone. It's like the mask is slipping and things... people... who never mattered before are suddenly starting to matter. It scares the hell out of me.

Oh my addiction is not drugs or killing, of course. Come on, don't be silly.

Facebook error: We're not cool enough?!

Interesting error message... but isn't this opera?!

Migraine

Last night I had severe headache which causing nausea. I wanted to throw up but I couldn't. Since I don't have nausea normally with headache, it wasn't something usual. However there were several times in the past I got a severe headache with nausea. Last time was about half a year ago (I think?), that time I cried in bed because little-prince was not here and I felt so painful. When he came back he was shocked and thought there was a robbery or something like that.

So my Dr. J said from my answers to his questions it's probably a migraine. Can you believe that Dr. J actually sent me a wikipedia link to migraine instead of throwing me a book or medical terms or barely understandable medical explanation? Anyway... so I probably had migraine last night. I was strong, I didn't cry this time, because little-prince coincidentally told me not to cry if I have severe headache at night before he went out. I was good.

Apparently I shouldn't continue to sit in front of the TV until my condition became too bad, because TV's light and noise had been making my migraine worse actually. I didn't know that. Actually it's the same for last time, I was watching TV from my PC, and was getting worse and worse, without knowing that I was probably photophobia and hyperacusis at that stage.

Unfortunately, the trigger is very hard to identify. I forgot what did I do or eat or what so special about the day last time when I have migraine. I will try to remember what had happened yesterday and if I get it again next time hopefully I will be able to identify the trigger.

Maybe, at the end, it's just stress... hahaha.

Ski Trip 2008

Let's talk about the Ski Trip. The Ski Trip was on 5th September to 7th September, but I only ski on the 5th September afternoon, so practically it's a relax trip for me rather than a ski trip. As usual, I didn't take camera nor photos, so I am going to use André's, Juliana's, Helen's and Shakeel's photos to fill this space with a bit of pictures.

Day 1
We met at the office 7:00 a.m., yes, early in the morning. André's target is to get to the mountain afternoon to have ahalf a day ski. On the way down south, I had been sleeping most of the time. Actually I needed to sleep most of them time since I get car sick easily if I am not driving or sitting at the front. To me the way down was quite quick since when I opened my eyes we were at the National Park already. See the photo below for proof. Due to the bad experience I had last year on snowboarding, I had chosen the safer option again, i.e. skiing. See I was happily at the Happy Valley (yes, yes), no problem at all!
That night I went to sleep around 9ish. Man, skiing is a tiring sport!!! (I surely have improved though, surely I have!)

Day 2
There were 8 of us decided not going up to the mountain. Unfortunately Hafiz car can only fit 7 people, but Joseph won't wake up unless we wake him up anyway. So the seven of us decided to drive to Wanhanui and muck around instead. On the way to Wanganui we stopped by Rakaka falls, and our photographer Helen took an artistic photo of the flowers in chilling weather. In Wanganui we saw the tram in progress. Actually, we went onto the tram and I rang the bell. Later the day we went to Countdown to get some food for the night. We had some problem with Hafiz car when we were to start our way back, but all sorted by Shakeel and Hafiz. Again on the way I was just sleeping and sleeping to prevent getting car sick. I went straight to the spa on my own when we arrived the lodge. Very comfy. :)
At night we had a full on BBQ with beef, chicken, mushroom, corns, bread... everyone was satisfied (since there were no pork?!). Since I didn't go skiing, I was not tire at all. André, Joseph,Tahseen, Shakeel and I played Compatibility, Poker and Scrabble till nearly 2 a.m. - I know we were naughty, haha.

Day 3
I woke up at 7:30 a.m. because André said that's the latest time we should be up although after I woke up I discovered that a lot of people were still in bed, anyway. Strange that I wasn't sleepy at all. So we had breakfast, packed up, and ready to go. I was in another car on the return trip and I insisted that I have to sit at the front. Tahseen nicely gave me the shotgun seat. Joseph was the one driving us back. It was the first time I stopped on the dessert road, it was the first time I stopped at Lake Taupo, and it was the first time I stooped at Huka Falls. Then we went for the luge and it was the first time I attempted all three tracks! Ivy and Helen went to Rainbow Springs while we are up there doing luge - remarkably André nearly "killed" Pedro's wife on the luge (well a bit exaggerated I guess...)!
I didn't (have to) sleep at all on the way back from the south because I got my front seat, which was cool because I didn't want to sleep in the car anyway. The trip was good, quite relaxing and lots of fun.

The only sad thing was Bhagya's message. When we were at around Bombay, i.e. the edge of Auckland, Bhagya sent a message to André's phone saying that Sasanka's dad just passed away in Sri Lanka and they were flying back that night. Sasanka and Bhagya went to ski trip with us as well but on day 3 they went back to Auckland straight without stopping at Taupo and Rototura. The bad news came after they were back home. André was very upset about it. I was quite upset too. That was New Zealand's Father's Day. When my dad came to pick me up from the office, I expressed my sadness and felt glad to see him on the Father's Day.

Girl Power!

ASD Quarterly Spring 2008 is out! For people who have no idea what it is, ASD Quarterly is our team magazine and we just have our 3rd edition ready.I wrote the lead article for this edition on the topic "Girl Power!", which is about the girls in the ASD team. For this edition André and Warner had took some photos of Szu-Yu, Helen and I in the park opposite to our office. Releasing photos prior to the edition is forbidden, but even though the edition is out now, I am afraid that Szu-Yu and Helen would be angry if they find out I put the photos here. So I think...hmm...maybe just a few... :)

Helen has a very pretty one that I am really tempted to put it here... let's see... if someone put that on facebook, then I will put it here...

 

 

 

 

P.S. Since Helen said this is her favourite photo (too), so I am going to put it up here before anyone put them onto facebook!