Guess I am a happy person

Randomly drew something with my tablet, a very kiddy drawing. Looking at my drawing now, I guess I am a happy person, it's a happy kiddy drawing. :)

懷舊

翻看了幾篇舊網誌：

• 今天應該很高興
• 原來過得很快樂
• 天吾、時間、我、貓之村
• 不幸福的愛情的實戰經驗
• … 還有許多

大都是年頭或上年年尾的的網誌。有時看舊網誌感觸很多，也不知是好事還是壞事。有些人永遠向前看，不往後回顧；而我則是不斷回顧不斷懷緬的人，停濟在時間中不前進，掛念好的日子，又感傷壞的日子，惦著別人的好，也記著別人的壞。或者因為這樣我總較難與現在和現實並行，無論感情還是理性也追不上今天。

或者真的不太好，但我又不想改變。我喜歡上這一個缺憾。

快樂人共並肩

小王子昨晚與幾個友人外出吃飯，然後在朋友那六十二樓對著維港的家裡談了許久。我很高興小王子能在香港與很多朋友聚舊，又有許多機會和他們談天說地呢。其中一個朋友曾經重憂鬱，小王子說他很關心我，昨晚他們用了好些時間談我，又教小王子該怎樣對待我等等。我有點驚訝，還以為這個朋友不太會記得我呢。這樣進入別人充滿關心的話題，讓我感到被遙遠的人們喜歡著，那也是一種幸福。

Damnatio

I heard this news on the radio this morning.

Maori MP: 'Condemn' suicide victims

"If a child commits suicide, let us consider not celebrating their lives on our marae; perhaps bury them at the entrance of the cemetery so their deaths will be condemned by the people," he wrote.

"In doing these things, it demonstrates the depth of disgust the people have with this. Yes it is a hard stance, but what else can we do?"

Yes, we should discourage people commit suicide, of course, all lives are valuable, but not celebrating their lives in the marae? Bury them at the entrance of the cemetery so their deaths will be condemned? Are these actions penalising the dead ones, or their family, whanau and iwi? Are the reasons of these people committed suicide being considered?

It’s easy to say “people should never commit suicide, be positive and face the difficulties in our lives”, yet sometimes it’s not that simple.

It’s just… not that simple.

夜未覺夜

有點無聊，突然想弄些甚麼給Caelum，於是這兩天就在縫呀車呀，弄了些小東西，也不肯定會放在哪裡，可能只是裝飾用啦。手工也不是很好，因為現在我坐多一會做多一點也很累，右邊肋骨處每天也痛，背部腰骨位置也很痛，有時站起身還要一會兒才能行走。雖說早知不是易事，但還是很不舒服嘛。

王子還有一星期多才回來，我已經悶得發霉了。

iTunes剛播到黃耀明的《不夜情》。

只得一雙黑眼睛
曾歷盡多彩多姿的生命
一彎身軀多少過客
只愛在懷內覓暫借的恬靜
寂寞過剩  無邊昇平
看你的臉
彷彿看見一個千里洋場在演變劇情
你說不必生生世世
只要夜來仍能念出你姓名

很喜歡這一首歌，為甚麼現在很少有這些歌的呢？是林夕已寫不出這樣的詞，還是能像黃耀明的歌手不多？或者只是我偏心，或者只是我感性，或者不是樂壇的問題。

現在播的是《再見二丁目》，黃耀明的Live版，也是我很喜歡的歌呢。只是我不太喜歡這個Live版。然後是黃耀明的Live版《約定》 - 只不過剛好我調了iTunes是順著Artist播下去而已。

Painful and lonely… yeah right

Having rib pain, upper back pain and lower back pain every day now, especially when I am sitting. So I have to keep standing up and stretching. Aiya~ it's not easy aye.

Nick is still in Hong Kong. First week when he's away it's all good, but the longer he's away, I feel more lonely. I am bored. Maybe I should sleep earlier at night so days will go quicker. Yet if days pass too quick, Caelum will arrive soon as well - which means the painful day is close! 

Bought these for Caelum. Yes, they are rabbits, and they are green. :D

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe

Love this line. I never heard this before but apparently it's a common quote from unknown author. In Wikipedia, under Method Overriding, this is in one of the example too.

Sometimes I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe too, especially in the past, before I had all those sessions with Candy. Now occasionally I still have that kind of feeling, but only when I am alone and feel not being understood. I need faith that no matter in what situation, I am here, with everyone, with people. 

思念是一種很玄的東西

雨夜

思念最難的地方，是不能說出口，無可以表達。

昨夜橫風橫雨，我不斷醒來又睡去。

笑容

星期日早上到教會的時候，下車後剛好碰到T駕車經過，她在車上笑容滿臉的向我揮手，我也跟她打招呼。那一個笑容，那一刻使我很感動，讓我感受到自己也是有受別人期待和喜歡的。

或者許多人覺得我有點小題大造，但就是那一剎那我覺得被燃亮了。有時候愛和被愛是這樣的簡單，一個真心的笑容就夠使人喜悅。反觀我自己，許多時候都吝嗇表示愛的笑容，沒有使別人覺得被重視被歡迎，實在是多麼的失敗呢。

當然，我該先學習從心裡對別人有多些感覺，那樣我才可以切實地使人感到被愛。

吹波

有些慶幸自己沒有回港，因為Caelum這幾星期大得相當快，爸也說好像吹氣般。相比兩星期前我已覺得行動有點不便，腿也好像退化了的，所以要做點伸展運動。

哎，小王子回來大概會給嚇到了。

Spot仔

放咗Spot仔喺被面。佢又望住我，我又望住佢。

Big tummy

Caelum is growing really fast. See my tummy is so big now! Sometimes I feel really painful around the rib area, always on the right. Maybe he's stretching out.

27 weeks day 4. Still about 3 months to go.

所謂互動

講起父母、子女和子女的婚姻。

爸：哼！我諗一百對父母有九十九對都無我地咁易話為㗎喇。
媽：咁又係呀。
我：咁都應該係。。。不過你唔好忘記，一百個女有九十九個都無你嗰個咁霸道喎！
爸：咁都係。
我：好多女都會就下對父母嘅。。。

難事

朋友S想要跟在一起十三年的女朋友K結婚，K的父母一口拒絕，完全不介意年屆三十的女兒可能以後也嫁不出去。我說連S這樣腳踏實地穩紮穩打的男人他們也討厭，不肯讓女兒嫁她，相比下我這樣懶散不堪無心討好的人，只是被一些遙遠得不會怎樣見、話也未必說夠一百句、完全不清楚我是甚麼人的親戚討厭，又算得上是甚麼大事呢。王子說K要脫離家庭跟隨S，我說這個年紀也無可厚非啦。再要找一個自己愛而又愛自己還要自己父母愛的人大概很難，這個年紀是要取捨要建立自己的家庭。

朋有A更不幸，和妻子結婚數個月，大概打算建立家庭生兒育女，妻子卻檢驗出患有癌症，雖經歷化療。而且確定是基因遺傳，就是真的好了後應該也不會生孩子了。只是三十許，還年輕，卻要面對這樣的事情，令人非常傷感。反思自己，有時還在奇怪自己為甚麼會選擇生孩子，實在是不夠欣賞這奇妙的作為。該是心存感激和讚美的，因為其實不容易，只是我得來好像太容易而已。

有時確實為自己的自我而羞愧，我已是這樣幸福的人，還要不高興些甚麼呢？許多許多事情，比起上來算得上些甚麼呢？為何要為微不足道的事情掛慮，將自己放在很慘的景況中呢？若有時間自憐，不如想想身邊別人的需要。

周知喬，你已經過份被寵的了。

也許

駕車回家時聽着CD，有一句歌詞如此說：也許越不孤獨越害怕孤獨。

我不孤獨，可能性格間中有點孤癖，但從來不孤獨，總有許多人和我在一起。這樣被寵的人，也有覺得孤獨的時候。現在回想起來，好像有點對不起身邊從沒丟下過我的人們。

也許因為不孤獨，所以害怕孤獨，所以過去擴大了那孤獨感，好叫自己為有可能孤獨作準備。

越未嘗過，越是脆弱不耐。

Bad day

It's a terrible day for me. Council, Watercare, engineers, client, Joe, the team, work... all giving me hard time. I am mentally exhausted. And I am rushing on some development and integration work these few days. So tiring... who cares about those people who misunderstand me always but so far away from me? I don't even have time to deal with all the stuff here. Poor Caelum not getting enough attention from his ma ma.

I miss my little prince. I need him here...

求次

有時退而求次未必是壞事。若是凡事只選一或零，任何中間的可能也不要，往往吃虧的是自己吧。所以就算沒有達到完全完整的明白，只是部分扭曲了的理解，總好過和明白離十萬九千里遠。縱然我還是帶著一點不安分，為沒有真的弄清楚而失望，但也提醒自己有時委屈的退而求次不是壞事，也不奢望有天真的會清楚知道。

真相大概永遠被遺忘，也只好作罷，難保真相表露更使人難堪。

Amazing Grace

Sometimes God really works in some very interesting way that I find it hard to believe - I mean, too good, so good that it seems so unreal! I am so glad and so pleased.

I prayed for them today. No, nothing about the complex story between them and me. I purely prayed for their hearts to be comforted and for their souls to be strong. I also prayed they will be relieved from anger, guilt and blame. I admit that I was too worry about myself and probably wasn't praying for the right things till today. This is the first time since she passed away that I totally put myself down and solely prayed for their goods.

Then God worked in a miraculous way, which was so out of my expectation, completely blew my mind.

Thank you so much.

一人

這個房間的天花板貼滿了夜光星，雖然脫下眼鏡的我看得不太清楚，而且貼了十多年的星星也光不了多久，但看著還是有一點感動：年輕過的證據。

昨晚睡眠只是一般，今晚早點上床。也有別的原因：美國和法國不停攻打我的俄國，有點興味索然。

明天又是上班天，並進入分開一個月的倒數。怎可能不掛念呢？再加上肚皮裡有着Caelum，當然想他在左右了。但也無所謂啦，凡事有比較重要和比較不重要的，又不是現在就要出世，時間還准許。

夜裡總是流鼻水呢。

Where are my shoes?!

This is so weird! I cannot find my purple shoes which I have been wearing all the time! Where are my purple shoes? It's so so weird! How can a pair of shoes that big and obvious disappeared from the house? There are only two places they can be: in the garage or at the door, and they are in none of these two areas! Little-prince bought me this pair of shoes last time he went back to HK! Where are they now? I have been wearing them every week at least once! And now they just mysteriously gone?! How could that even possible?! They are the most obvious shiny pair if shoes!