25 March 2010

一切還。。。算好

許久沒在這裡說些甚麼,我過得還好,大家請放心。想了許久要不要在這裡說,但其實也沒甚麼所謂,對我來說只是另一件要面對的事而已,大概在這裡說一次,往後容易些解釋。

而且,我還沒有跟祖祖說。雖然老媽大概已告訴她媽了。

早幾星期去看醫生,唔,就是那種我特別逃避去看的醫生,也就是和我常常叫「醫生」的J氏同一系的醫生。這個醫生是女的。她說我有BPD,要去做一些therapy。雖然不太願意,我還是答應了吃藥。不願意是因為怕會變蠢,但J說不會的,結果我唯一的side effect是經常打呵欠,頻密起來一分鐘打一個,但我是有精神的。

雖然我去見她以前已猜到她會下這個判斷,聽到後回去卻開始有點覺得不是真的吧。甚至想可能我太聰明創造了這許多許多的假象,讓他們都覺得我有點奇怪而已。然而不得不否認從小到大所發生過的許多許多事。。。難怪真正清楚我的人如小王子和爸爸媽媽,一點也不懷疑,並有「原來如此」之感。

說真的,還是有點不能接受的感覺。但昨天去跟therpapist談過一次後,又發現原來在常人的眼中我真的有好些東西要去修正。。。或者說,學習。原本不太喜歡自己的我,現在有點更討厭自己。然而我要學的卻正好是這個的反面:我要先去學愛自己。

幸好小王子是支持的。外邊不乏受不了BPD的伴侶而離婚的人,然而他還是決定留下來。父母是關心的,我只是怕他們當我是病人般看待。朋友們常常都在,長輩們也會和我傾談。。。大概沒甚麼好擔心,除出了經濟一項,因為我減少了工作時間。然而公司對我實在好,我可以上班多少小時就多少小時,也為配合我改變我的工作性質。

對,要做的是Dialectical Behaviour Therapy,我聽到後第一時間想到的是thesis + antithesis → synthesis及Eisenstein's montage。這個therapist還想我去一些group sessions。。。總之要做甚麼,還是未知之數。

唔,大概就是這樣了。

18 March 2010

Matryoshka

Matryoshka_by_vladstudio 
[picture from vladstudio.com]

今天我是綠色那個。

11 March 2010

Bonjour Tristesse

I live with melancholy
My friend is vague distress
I wake up every morning
And say, "Bonjour tristesse"

The street I walk is sadness
My house has no address
The letters that I write me
Begin "Bonjour tristesse"

The loss of a lover is pain
Sharp and bitter to recall
I've lost no casual lover
I have no pain from which to recover
I've lost me, that is all!

My smile is void of laughter
My kiss has no caress
I'm faithful to my lover
My bitter-sweet tristesse


Depuis qu'on est ensemble
Tu viens chaque matin
Me donner la première caresse
Bonjour tristesse

Amie qui me ressembles
Tu est le seul miroir
Où je peux contempler ma jeunesse
Bonjour tristesse

Tu sais le secret de ma peine
Car c'est toi qui l'a bercé
Et s'il le faut que je me souvienne
Tu viens poser ta main sur les miennes
Et toi tu n'oublies jamais
Depuis qu'on est ensemble
Tu es mon seul amour
J'ai trop de faiblesse
Pour te quitter
Bonjour tristesse

Depuis qu'on est ensemble
Tu es mon seul amour
Et j'ai trop de faiblesse
Pour te quitter
Bonjour tristesse

08 March 2010

剛在房裡關上燈,想影一影我那蘋果蠟燭時,看見我天花板和牆上貼的夜光星,發出微弱的綠光。

我立刻想起一件往事,想起在這個微弱的星空下聽過的一句話。

stars

其實我比別人想像中簡單。甚至比我自己想像的簡單。

Slowly cultivating this small garden

A_Small_Garden_by_vladstudio
[picture from vladstudio.com]

This is what I am doing now: slowly cultivating this small garden. Myself really want to walk very slowly, water the plants very slowly, fertilise them very slowly, and watch them grow very slowly too. If they grow too fast, I can’t take care of them, I can’t enjoy their beauty, and I can’t make them to grow into their best state, I may even destroy them accidentally.

This time, I want to take everything slooooooooooowly, if “slowly” is not enough to describe.

04 March 2010

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland Wallpapers

Vlad Gerasimov is one of my favourite digital artists. I love his wallpapers.

Tonight I am going to see Alice in Wonderland. Yes, today’s the official release day in New Zealand! Before that, let me share a set of Alice wallpapers by Vlad.

vladstudio_alice1_1280x1024

“… Down, down, down. Would the fall never come to an end? I wonder how many miles I’ve fallen by this time?..”

Look at the top right circle, it writes “New Zealand” and “Australia”, ya, the other side of the world, which is, this side I am in.


vladstudio_alice2_1280x1024 

“…but, alas! Either the locks were too large, or the key was too small, but at any rate it would not open any of them…”


vladstudio_alice3_1280x1024

“…Oh,my poor little feet,I wonder who will put on your shoes and stockings for you now, dears? I’m sure I shan’t be able!..”


vladstudio_alice4_1280x1024

“… I wish I hadn’t cried so much! ” said Alice, as she swam about, trying to find her way out. “I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being drowned in my own tears! That will be a queer thing, to be sure! However, everything is queer today…”

This, really, makes me think.


vladstudio_alice5_1280x1024

She hastily put down the bottle, saying to herself: “That’s quite enough - I hope I shan’t grow any more - As it is, I can’t get out at the door – I do with I hadn’t drunk quite so much!


vladstudio_alice6_1280x1024

“…One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter…”


vladstudio_alice7_1280x1024

“I didn’t know that Cheshire cats always grinned; in fact, I didn’t know that cats could grin…”

In the movie Alice in Wonderland, Stephen Fry is the Cheshire cat, that should be really cool.


I really love Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, not so much Through Looking Glass though. But Lewis Carroll is always my hero. Look forward to tonight’s movie, because Tim Burton is my favourite too (yes, and Johnny Depp…).

If you’ve never read the story, you really should.