Last Day of 2011

One hour to 2012.

I seldom review the year that's finishing and not usually have any new year's resolution too. Nevertheless, I have to say, 2011 was a special year. From pregnant to Caelum's arrival, and now he's three months old. This is the biggest change in my life, actually, our lives. He's a happy boy, I hope he can always be a happy boy.

40 mins to go.

I think the one most significant thing I have realised this year is how normal I am.  I am a normal person living a normal life with a normal family forming normal relationships with people everyday and working on a normal job. It's not a sad thing to be ordinary.

30 mins to go.

Love you all.

Bad dream

I hate dreams that scare myself to wake up. Now what?

The uneasy feeling remains, keeps me out from reality, stops me from going back to sleep. Imagination flies in the wrong direction.

Just go away!

Christmas 2011

今年聖誕爸媽回港去了，而我們則多了Caelum陪我們過。

平安夜沒甚麼特別，日間小王子油deck，我帶Caelum出街。黃昏我和Caelum到教會BBQ。

昨天是聖誕，又是星期日。一如既往上教會。崇拜後有Christmas Party，在教會留到兩時左右，再到麥當當吃了杯McFlurry。回家和Caelum睡了兩小時。夜晚沒飯開的人聚在我家，幸好「小菜王」有開門可買外賣。就這樣我和六位男仕（包括Caelum）過了聖誕夜。

今天Boxing Day。小王子繼續油deck，我和Caelum去Shopping。累死人。多人得像在尖沙咀，還要推著BB車，我還十分佩服自己。買了沒減價的東西給Caelum，太浪費了。

回家後Caelum睡了一會，我又和他玩了一會，才催得小王子出去吃飯。發現了Caelum和我有同樣的嗜好。

現在十一時，又要餵奶了。

The furthest distance in the world

A friend of mine posted a picture on facebook:

 

Then another friend of mine replied (which has been removed already)  with a few lines started with “世上最遙遠的距離…”. By now you should already know, this has nothing to do with Tagore at all. It’s probably originated from 《荷包裡的單人床》, written by 張小嫻:

世上最遙遠的距離，
不是生與死的距離，
不是天各一方，
而是我就站在你面前，
你卻不知道我愛你。

Anyway, I am not here to talk about these lines, I am not here to discuss 張小嫻 as well.

The furthest distance – I pondered on this. Is this really the furthest distance? Comparing to “being far far apart”, and comparing to “the quick and the dead”? I don’t know. If you are alive, and we are not far far apart, at least I can see you, I can talk to you, I can understand you, I can see your smile, I can love you. Does it really matter too much that you don’t know I love you?

I then thought a bit more. Maybe the furthest distance in the world, at all time, is “I have the confidence in myself going to heaven but you are still in doubt”. So as Christmas is at the corner, maybe we should tell our friends and family about Christ. You know, to keep our distance short, always. :)

Merry Christmas, everyone.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

-- John 3:16-17

Teepee

週末我們買了這個，多年的願意終於達成！我一直想要一個帳幕讓我可以躲進去，一直都沒有機會，見過的又都太昂貴，小王子也覺得沒地方可以放。終於我們建了一個Deck，又碰巧這個帳幕在Sylvia Park的攤位發售，而且價錢可接受，我三心兩意下還是買了回來。現在一點也沒後悔，很高興我有買它呢！

從小我就喜歡躲起來，喜歡被包圍。以前有張碌架床，給我們切斷了並「L」字型般上下重疊著，重疊處有一點空間，我很喜歡躲在那裡。後來沒有了那一張床，我就躲在沙發上，然後用cushions圍邊然後蓋頂，造了自己的空間。弟弟出世後我常偷偷的睡在他的床和Playpen裡，還把他的Playpen睡壞了（要知那時我已經七歲）。

終於擁有一個帳幕了！

肥

Caelum好慘啊！返一次教會俾人話佢四、五十次肥仔。。。大個啲唔可以咁話佢㗎喇，好傷佢心㗎。。。我自己要先戒口唔可以咁叫佢。。。 XD

囍

最近非常多人結婚，所知的香港有三對，這裡也有三對，大概是結婚的好時機，又或者我已經到了身邊的人都趕著結婚的年紀。

其中某小姐算是閃婚吧！雖然她口頭上用詞是「註冊」，又說是為了申請宿舍，但那也是結婚吧。秘密註冊也算啊，不是大事舖張才能分類為結婚的。對這小姐走到這一步，我實在非常安慰，竟然在這世代裡這個年頭還終於找到一個好人，懂愛她又會照顧她，而且算得上相貌堂皇，非常有陽光氣息（小王子的嫲嫲說他很親切）。不是誇張的說，我真的很欣慰，很為他們高興。這是一個她願意和他「註冊」的男人呢。

噢，W先生也是閃婚的，但他們兩個已年屆四十，又想要孩子，所以不快點不行，也可以理解。

另外00也要在一月結婚了，她倒不是閃婚的，也在一起數年了。我之後是May May，現在是00，還要等Da da, GG和Lou Lou。。。噢，當然還要等小五，但小五看上去還是有點距離啊啊啊！閣下請努力一點，讓我們安心。

除了這諸多的婚事外，謝家也有喜，下星期又再照超聲波，便知性別。呵呵，這孩子會是好朋友中和Caelum年紀最近的啦！下一個也不知會是誰家出的了。我很興奮，所以週末準備再會謝氏，看漸大的肚子。

返台

昨晚和Jack送別，他要回台灣了。我們去「大長今」，很差呢，以後不要去了（對不起啊某人！！！）。在大學時Jack跟我們打交道幾年，我們都是要他說廣東話的。估不到離開校園後，在其他的渠道中使他的廣東話更上一層樓，九成都聽得懂了。反觀我們的普通話，好像一點也沒進步。。。

晚飯後Jack來我爸媽家看看Caelum。呵呵，Jack回台灣會女朋友啦，說結婚會告訴我，又說會生兩個。他見到Caelum便給他照了相要給女朋友看。

又一個要走啦。。。

病

爸爸病了，然後Caelum病了，然後我病了，然後媽媽病了，昨天連小王子也病了。。。這個菌很強，就差弟弟還沒病倒。不過現在爸爸好了，Caelum好了，我也好了，就只差媽媽和小王子。

幸好都是石小姐和男友走後才病。。。

順度post一下細路食手短片。

寧姨姨攜男友探Caelum仔記

石小姐與男友星期日中午抵紐西蘭，我們一家大小去接機。男友長相果然如小王子的祖母所說一樣不錯，很親切。我心底裡暗暗感動流涕，小姐終於找到一戶好人家。

第一天和他們去了(N)One Tree Hill，昨天和他們出去市中心，又駕車過橋去Devonport。今天中午我把他們兩個送去內陸機場，飛往Queenstown遊南島。

臨行前我要他們和Caelum合一合照，以證他們有來探過他啦～

還有，這是石小姐今早影的：

Five Years

Today is our five years wedding anniversary, and Caelum is 8 weeks old.

So, five years.

…

I wanted to write something about it, but end up, can’t even think of a word. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad. We had good times and bad times, like all other couples in this world. Sometimes there’s something missing, like now, when we both are too busy with Caelum as well as our work and other stuff. Although Nick usually doesn’t agree there’s something missing, I would still try to search this missing piece. From time to time I may find it, but for a while we may lose it again. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong between us, but the spark is not obvious, and I desperately need to find it.

Nevertheless, I realise having a child make us enter another form of this relationship, which causes both of us have less time and thoughts for each other unavoidably. An arrival of baby causes some gap, but also fill the gap.

I guess once we are more used to having an extra family member, we will find our equilibrium again.

No matter what, it’s a happy thing to be married with my little prince for five years. We left Caelum with my parents and went out for dinner last night. :)

Seven years

Two days ago was my 7 years Anniversary at Olympic Software. Seven years, man, since I graduated from university I have been working there for Joe. It’s always good time, never thought about leaving. Partly because of all  the freedom I got here, partly because of the love.

So doughnuts I brought to work.

FFIII

最近我湊Caelum以外就係做呢樣嘢：

六週歲

Caelum六個星期大了。日日見他不太為意，看相才發現他長大了許多。0000的衣服已太短，因為長高了。為著不浪費，我動手剪了包著腳掌的地方，再用衣車收好褲腳，在家睡時穿也好。Caelum現在要穿三至六個月的衣服，雖然有一點長，總比有一點短、阻礙生長的好。

頭髮依然很多，別人說會掉些，我又不覺得有減少。臉和頸依然胖，也不知像誰！我小時是圓臉（現在也。。。），但不是這麼多肉的啊！身很厚，有點肚腩；手腳不是很粗，但很大力。阿仔，你阿媽我唔鍾意肥仔㗎！

喜歡俯臥著睡，但只有日間我看著他時才可由他這樣。不過現在日間已睡很少，因為有光他就很難睡得著。然而夜裡還是常常醒來。再過一星期我就放他到他的房間去睡。

餵奶的啟示

雖然已經停止餵人奶，但我也想說一下在整個過程中學到的事情，非常認真的。

一、有胸唔等於有奶。我胸都唔算細，但係就係冇 - 有啲嘢同外表係不一嘅。

二、冇奶就飲幾多魚湯木瓜湯都係冇奶 - 有時啲嘢無法強求。

三、胸係一對但唔係完全一樣，出奶量同速度都唔同 - 連一個人嘅胸都可以有差異，世界上係無identical嘅人嘅，神造人每個都係獨特嘅。

四、Caelum因為一邊胸出奶慢同少所以每次我要佢食嗰邊胸佢都極其厭惡。Birthcare個midwife話，都要佢食，無得㨂。好多家長就係小朋友唔鍾意就由得佢，縱壞晒 - 人大咗唔係咩唔鍾意就可以唔要唔做，有時唔鍾意，都要繼續。

五、無奶唔一定係壞事，對某些事可能更方便 - 有時冥冥中早有安排，度身定做好一套適合個別嘅人嘅狀況。

六、如果壓力好大，又有罪疚感，不如唔好餵，唔好為同其他人交代，又唔好為同自己交代。唔需要不停找尋別人嘅approval。

七、好多時pump到一半Caelum就喊要理佢 - 有啲嘢根本就唔到你控制。

咕咕

爸媽家有兩隻鴿子，不知是何時搬進來的。牠們和爸媽感情很好，見到爸媽回家會飛來打招呼，又會跟著爸爸。爸媽叫牠們咕咕，因為牠們咕咕叫的。

這天牠們在媽媽的手上吃麵包。

口味唔同

小姐，阿Rain有咩好呀。。。？！咁大隻。。。

點講都係水嶋ヒロ好啲。。。不過人家息影了。。。:(

Lose yourself

Have I posted this before? This is one of my favourite ad. I think it's really romantic and I would love to be found or find someone like this.

國際支援組

老爸自稱是國際支援組組長 - 對湊仔作技術支援。他對Caelum說我媽只是組員，叫他要聽組長話。然而手中的Caelum一哭，就送到我媽手去，說組長要分配工作。

組長的工作也真的很繁忙，最主要的一項是支援洗衣。須知道Caelum有時一天要換兩三件衣服，少了這支援大概很麻煩。

組員的工作主要是充當一張人肉床，附帶催眠功效。Caelum很喜歡婆婆抱，總是睡得很安樂。

現實

睇阿寧嘅網誌：

終於看了這套電影
男女主角選角得宜
拍得清新可人
但我會想
要不是男主角高大可愛
那些打手槍的情節
在家裸跑的情節
把筆子插入鼻孔的情節
畢竟令人感到低俗難堪

嘿
可愛的男生就是做甚麼都可愛
醜男就做甚麼都討人厭
世界就是如此現實了

我記得和幾個人多次談論這個話題：靚仔就乜都得，唔靚仔就乜都唔得。

譬如，如果梁朝偉日日寫情信俾你就係浪漫，八両金就係變態。

又譬如，如果畢彼得日日去你公司樓下等你放工時偷望你就係癡情，章魚城就係跟蹤狂。

再譬如，如果係金城武個call台密碼係「愛你一萬年」就係型，但係唔需要醜男，只係諗你其中一個唔係特別靚仔嘅男仔朋友用哩個密嗎，可能都已經有啲嘔。

其實唔係淨係男人嘅。

如果王菲日日偷偷去你屋企幫你慢慢換晒屋企啲嘢又喺你張床上面揾其他女人嘅頭髮就係傻，肥花就係精神有問題。

哩個世界就係咁現實㗎喇。

滿月（前）=出街

昨日Caelum滿月，前天我們已先外出一次。為要夾複雜的吃奶時間，我們先去了Villa Maria Estate吃午飯。

再去Manukau Memorial Garden探Caelum嫲嫲。

然後要Caelum挨少少肚餓去Botany先吃奶，幸好莫少爺只要有車坐就不會哭，他很喜歡車子移動時看窗外，有次紅燈等得太久他就嚷了。

Botany最後一站是Starbucks。Caelum還算乖啦（都在睡而已。。。）！小王子要跟小小王子影張相。

Cheers 2011

So in 2011 I got pregnant, gave birth to Caelum, and we New Zealand got the Web Ellis Cup.

How nice.

4 more days, Caelum will be 1 month old.

And 25th November is our 5 years wedding anniversary.

Pater et unigenitus filius

No time to type this epiphany out in Chinese - well to be more correct, I nearly have no time at all to type this up.

The other day I was meditating - just a more fancy word to say "I was thinking" because I have used the word "epiphany" already - and I have realized this one most important thing from having Caelum in my life: why God has chosen to use "Father and only begotten (unigenitus) son" relationship to reveal himself and his salvation.

If I didn't have a son, I would not fully understand the pain, the suffering, the seriousness, the symbolism God has chosen to use this relationship to represent. Think about that, why didn't God set the identity of Jesus to be something like "the doppelgänger", or "the homo sapiens presentation of God himself", or whatever, but instead has chosen the Father-son relationship to tell people who Jesus is? The great love he wants to show us through sending his unigenitus filius has a much greater magnitude of depth, and it's not some arbitrary thing that he has decided to do out of nowhere.

And I guess, one with a child may understand more about the pain that God himself is bearing in the whole salvation project: imagine sending your child to the cross, and before that, facing all those difficulties and accusations and sufferings.

Anyway, if this doesn't make much sense or in anywhere words missing or sentences incomplete, forgive me - trying to make a baby sleep at the same time. Shhhhh...

殃及池魚

布布昨晚給Caelum嘔奶弄濕了，幸好我夠累睡得著。今早一起床首先洗一堆衣服和布布，現在它又回到我的手中了。

而且很香。

布丁

雖然冇得出去食飯，但係鴻星個老細醒咗兩杯滿嘅芒果布丁俾阿爸阿媽帶返嚟俾我食。我一下子就食到乾乾淨浄，非常喉急。

甜品幾時都最正！

瞓覺

而家一有長少少嘅空閒時間，我都選擇瞓覺，或者好似呢一刻咁，唔瞓著都攤下抖下。因為要夜晚起幾次身每次搞成個鐘，真係有啲辛苦。通常有「為咩我要咁」嘅諗法，就係呢啲時間。王子多數都起唔倒身，我又唔忍心要佢起身 - 如果嗰一次自己搞得掂嘅話。

改變

寫來寫去都係Caelum，無他嘅，喺呢十三日裏面，我除咗喺屋企對住佢之外就咩都無做過。往後一個月都係咁，直到我十一月中返番工先可能有啲唔同。

有時睇住佢都依然唔係好相信，一來唔相信生咗佢出嚟，二來唔相信我居然揀咗呢條「不歸路」，真係「pass the point of no return, no turning backward」。我嘅生活已經有100%轉變，無可避免，不容退縮。

不過佢笑時又真係幾冧嘅。。。喊時。。。我仲學習緊明白佢喊乜。

定案

Caelum的中文名已選定了，叫莫焯言。

感恩

儘管還是辛苦，其實我有諸多需要感恩的。

首先是我這樣怕痛的人先挨過了長時間的陣痛，除出了最後五、六小時是有epidural外，我也挨了三十小時。然而，感恩的不單是我有能力挨過了，而是相比很多人來說我想已經不算太慘的了。天父還真的只給了我可以承受的。

入院後，在等到生產的六小時，我因著完美的epidural得而睡著五小時。當時midwife問我要給五百多元選specialist還是普通醫生給我打epidural，我毫不猶疑的說付，因為打脊椎不是一件小事情。整個生產過程只是付這五百多元，我覺得絕對值得。感恩的是當時這個當了廿年未失過手的speicalist還沒有回家。鄰房的女士比我遲進來，要打epidural時specialist已回家去了，於是她是給普通註冊醫生打的。三時打針，六時還未生效，結果要拔出來再打過。聽了後更覺五百五十二元值得付。

到要生的時後，epidural其實已經過了大部份。也就是說我要很痛的生Caelum出來。兩次問midwife可不可以top up epidural，她也說不可以，因為要我推他出來。於是我在非常痛楚之下推了二十分鐘，就把Caelum生出來了。雖然是很痛，但只是二十分鐘而已！有許多人要痛著生很久，又或者是打了epidural後感覺不到，所以還是生了很久。不過那痛還是免不了的啦。人家說痛死，我告訴你，是痛得寧願去死！

生了Caelum後一會，我已經可以下床行走了。結果我是自己抱著Caelum走上車，再走入Birthcare，在那裡住了三天。除了定時吃panadol外，甚麼也不用，哪裡也可以自己行去。聽媽媽和好些Aunties說， 生後很痛，有些更說要坐水泡。我好像沒甚麼事似的，傷囗是有點痛，縫針也是有的，但我真的沒甚麼大礙呢，非常感恩。

之後我一直都康復得很好很快，基本上生活中大小事也沒問題，除了腰骨總是有點痛，雙肩和臂很累，傷囗有少許痛，就甚麼也沒有了。

Caelum也算是乖，雖然有時餵他吃奶不是很順利，但至少大部分夜晚也算是睡得不錯，即是我也能睡得不少時間。

就只是今天，非常曳！

Lesson learned no. 1

The first three days (after the first night) were really stressful for me. I tried to breast feed Caelum but he never could get enough. So after I fed him, then put him down, then in half an hour he cried for food again. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat properly, hands shaking all the time. I felt so defeated and useless, cried at night when I was alone with Caelum in Birthcare, felt so sorry for him.

The day we returned home, Nick and I have decided to top Caelum's diet up with formula. It's just not worth it - I mean, me being overly stressed and blame myself and not sure what to do versus all the good of feeding only breast milk. I was not bonding with Caelum, and instead I was just kept worrying when he'd stop crying and feel satisfied. After a day and a night, I finally got rid of the guilt of not just feeding Caelum with breast milk but adding formula as well. Then I started to feel much more relax and can bond with Caelum. My hands were no longer shaking (physically) all the time. Caelum also started to feel more satisfied and can sleep for a few hours instead of half an hour (or worst 15 mins) too. From yesterday, he started to smile. Now he smiles very often.

I have learned quite a bit when I was getting through this struggle. I have been pushing myself too harsh for something - yes, important - but may not be the most important. Nick said would I ever blame my mum for not breast feeding me and I said no, then he said Caelum would be the same. I have been focused on the wrong thing. If I am not happy and bonding with Caelum correctly but instead in a overly stressful and uneasy way, then the basic parent-child relationship is ruined - not feeding formula that would ruin the relationship. After all I think Caelum wants us to love him instead of feeling he's a source of stress and burden.

Everyday I am learning something new with taking care of this boy here. At least now I am more relax, and ready, to enjoy the time with him.

The day after Caelum Nicholas Mok arrived

So after 36+ hours of contractions and 20 mins of active pushing delivery, Caelum arrived at 9:25am yesterday, 30th September 2011. Jacky said I should have waited for another 5 mins so it would be 9:30 on 30/09. I tell you what, in serious pain, you just want baby out ASAP.

My epidural mostly wore off before delivery, but midwife said not going to top up because I need to do it. So I did. Honestly it wad crazily painful 20 mins, but I know compare to our mums who didn't take epidural at all it's ten times less painful already. Also, thanks to the super pro epidural guy, I on and off slept for 5 hours before giving birth, so kind of full of energy. That's why I was kind of fast already. Nevertheless I tell you, very very painful, very. Don't believe anyone who said it's nit painful unless they got epidural all the way (which will make the pushing part slower and more difficult but painless).

People said I should be proud of myself for having done that, actually I only felt amazing that I actually have done that - and succeeded. Did I actually gave birth to this 3.46kg baby who's now sleeping on my shoulder? Soft but not fragile actually, feels really firm and tough already.

Oh yeah, and heaps of hair, like me when I was born. Though this is the only thing looks like me, everything else looks like a little Nick already. He has many distinctive features of Nick. You know, even his hair style is similar to his daddy, how could that be?!

I am not the "my boy is the cutest" type of person. I will tell you that he's a good sleeper - for now - and not too interested in eating yet. Heavy, yes, will surely feel tire after holding him for a while. Can poop and fart. Not crying much as he prefers sleeping. Hearing is very good, attracted to sound and like to look around (although he can't see much at this stage, only shapes and colours). Oh and, the obvious: chubby face )o_o( and black long hair. Mucous still in his tummy and respiration system so he doesn't sleep very well sometime if lying down with his back. So, like now, I hold him and let him sleep more upright, then he can breath better. Also, looks like sometimes he dreams too.

Oh by the way, see the little hat I knitted in action - a bit too big at the moment because I always worried that he would have an extremely large head like his daddy. Not a bad thing, so he can wear this for longer. :)

The sign

Caelum is arriving very soon. I had a "show" last night. Funny that I didn't know I should be expecting that, so I was a bit panic when I see the blood red colour. I called mum and midwife. Midwife said it's okay and just put a pad and go back to sleep and give her a call this morning. So I did.

No regular pain till now though. Apparently after show, some people will deliver the baby in 24 hours, some will be days, and some can be a week or two. So there's nothing definite there. Midwife said given Caelum keeps moving, nothing too worry there, just give her a call again this afternoon, and keep the Friday appointment with her.

Ante natal class told me about contraction, but didn't tell me about Bloody Show! Made me worry last night and woke Nick up too. Good that he could finally go back to sleep although it wasn't too well and I could kind of go back to sleep too.

Oh he is really coming soon and possibly any time from now. May not be able to go to baby show on Saturday, dinner with friends on Saturday night, nor attend my baby shower the coming Sunday!

如果，如果

站在Caelum的小床面前，給音樂旋轉的玩具上了鍊，小床當然還是空的。一剎那我在思想前已經傷感：如果，有甚麼事，如果 ，如果，那怎樣。

說真的，我差點要哭，沒有繼續想像下去。

我問小王子，他說把所有東西丟掉，賣了房子，離開這裡。

猶記得最初三個月時我也有想過甚麼萬一。那時倒沒那麼傷感，反而怕身邊的人失望多過自己傷心。現在已不是那回事了，我已投入了相當的感情，準備了好些東西，計劃了不少。大概我已承受不了失去的可能。

研討愛情

想起E後，轉轉接接，也想起了當時有好一段時間深交的kau-kau（IRC名，IRC年代）。我們這些人，不知怎地都以為自己很情深，看著自己的愛情，不可一世。不是說非卿不娶，就是說一輩子忘不了，退而求次也會說沒結果也再愛十年八載。。。一個二個都是情聖般。

數年後甚麼都改變，大家一句也不會說起。現實和想象的距離，隻字不提。我們都是凡人。花過那麼多心思和時間研討愛情，也算可愛過。

其實我還是很願意花心思討論愛情，只是身邊已很少這樣的人。不是很快被定為不設實際，就是被認為是多餘的浪漫主義。要說至今仍相信可以存在心底裡有永恆而不擁有，會被判斷為愛造夢的無知中女。若說還喜歡零碎的浪漫，眼神也好語調也好，可能會被歧視。

舊事

躺在床上，一句「你同佢地有幾熟呀！」，竟叫我想起不少往事。當中包括了年少時的情情愛愛，每每說起來我們幾個女生都覺得很可愛，男的反是怕羞不想提起。記得上年G回來，我和00到G家，也叫了東東來。談起那時00和東東，還有影了那些沙龍，東東只是一臉尷尬的對着我們三個在笑話從前的八婆仔。那次阿勇沒有來呢，要不可以拯救一下怕羞男孩，或讓我們轉移目標取笑一下三個月只拖過幾次手且連分手都沒個正式就無疾而終的所謂戀情。哎，好不幼稚啦。

也想起了模特兒J。有次他在阿勇家，我們三人「煲粥」 - 即是上幾小時在電話裡吹水 - 化了很長時間討論這個在眾人眼中的型男在女朋友向之索吻的一刻怕羞得臨陣退縮竟立刻丟下女友轉身逃離現場的問題。現在回想起他的純情（或愚蠢？），也覺得有點好笑。後期他認識了另一個女朋友，勇說她很可愛很相襯，又說J已計劃結婚。。。那年，我們中五，結果還是無疾而終。

同時間我又想起E和那ICQ歲月，想起來竟真的談過那麼多！我竟然連寫在星星裡然後放火燒掉的事當時也說了呢。上次E說起，我也有點羞愧：曾幾何時那樣無知和自以為浪漫過。。。那是拍電影會被嫌棄的橋段啦！想著我也記得其他我說過的他說過的，但都是些不該也不想提的過去，忘了還好。大概對方記得的話都會這樣想。獨獨是「焚星」這事，因為我上次提過了，也只有我一人羞愧，但說無妨。

因著這許多的ICQ對話 ，我當然也想起了Kxvxn先生。前幾天散步路過他以前的家，說起那家有閣樓，小王子問是不是我喜歡的那種閣樓，我才驚覺自己的印象竟如斯模糊：是怎樣的閣樓呢？他家是怎樣的呢？我去過那麼多次，竟忘記了大部分。女人都如我那樣的狠？不喜歡了，連記憶都送走。所以記得很多的話，大概代表很有感情。

順帶一提，Kxvxn的舊居就在姑丈家斜對面，街尾則是小五的第一女神的家，我們也有路過，也有談起她。上次和小五、00和May May相聚時也有提起。一直沒見過，也不知這第一女神現在怎樣了。

十幾年，這樣就過了十幾年。。。

放假

今天是放假前最後一天上班，然後就是在家等待和準備了。其實也不是請很長的假，計劃中十一月廿一日就要再上班，就算是一星期上班十五小時也好，也要上班。Joe說寧願把他的房間給我，叫我帶Caelum回來，也要回來。Receptionists已經爭著要幫我照顧Caelum，說放在她們那裡就可以了。

Caelum已經很大個仔了，但midwife說應該不會提早出來。雖然已有點不耐，但我也希望他不會早來，而且我也認為他只會遲到而已。不過嘛，真的，已經久得有點辛苦了，又沉重，連轉個身也不容易。

想深一層，至少現在還有得睡。。。

緊張

照計仲有唔夠廿日，我開始有幾分緊張，唔知到時會點，又唔知之後會點。唔知有咩未買，又唔知仲有咩要買。手頭上工作未完成，心情上又未準備好。雖然好好彩地一直都無產前憂鬱，但來到呢刻都免不了有啲擔心要面臨呢件大單嘢會點。怕就快到，又同時諗不如早啲到好過，唔係話咩，不過唔多唔少都等到有啲悶，又唔係等得好舒服喎。雖然，之後會仲唔舒服，瞓都無得瞓。

唉。。。越諗越覺得。。。都係聽日專心寫埋公司份嘢，phone interview幾個人先算喇。

呢件肯定係我廿九年來要面對最嚴峻嘅一件事啊！

PostSecret: Goods in people

This is one of the most interesting secrets on the new PostSecret app this week.

It has generated lots of reply, including the following:

I didn't feel anything special when I first read the secret, till I read all these replies. I can feel the world is desperate, the human race needs love and kindness. That's why people are so amazed and touch when little things in life like this happened and be shared.

It's amazing how people's needs are realised and hearts get closer because of this.

秘密

PostSecret發行了一個iPhone App，因為怕被人看見，我只試過post一些根本無關痛癢甚至不是秘密的秘密。對，我膽小如鼠，最多只敢說不想工作，哪裡是秘密。

秘密，人人都有秘密，或多或少。有些一說會影響別人，有些其實沒有甚麼特別。現在隨便想我也想到好幾個秘密，有些和別人共同享有，有些則完全是我個人的。有好些和小時候有關，現在是長大了，還是覺得該留起做秘密。或者機緣巧合會和某些人分享一下，但也不是甚麼有趣的事。

現在也有秘密。一個人沒可能完全無秘密的吧。

只和一兩個人分享的秘密，讓分享的人之間有特別的牽引和覊絆，那是很複雜的感覺。當我和一個人分享一個秘密時，那是一種感情的建立吧。像是分享了靈魂的一部分，一息間就接近了。

有時候，不用言明，兩人也會心照是一個秘密。

The Tree of Life

Talked about Evolution and Darwin's Tree of Life. I thought about Klimt's Tree of Life. Biology, Religion and Art.

The Tree of Life, Stoclet Frieze, 1909, Gustav Klimt

中秋

中秋常說「人月兩團圓」，但嫦娥的故事卻是奔月獨守冷宮伶伶仃仃的，朱元璋以月餅傳起義訊息也不溫馨。

以前人家送三黃月餅覺得很高興，因為好喜歡吃蛋黃；現在人家送單黃月餅非常感激，因為顧念膽固醇指數。

剛入春天的中秋節，非常大風。下午外出買午餐時差點被風吹走了 - 別忘了是我現在這般龐大的身型。

我欲乘風歸去，唯恐瓊樓玉宇，高處不勝寒。

911十週年

美國這時還是九月十一日，紐西蘭已是九月十二日的早晨。原來就這樣過了十年。十年前的恐怖，到今天還在人們的心裡；或者時間使之略為變淡，但回想起來，聯想當時的人所面對的困境、生與死的沖擊和選擇、無奈和絕望，還是帶出相當的恐怖。

不單如此，記得看電視時也有影到歡呼的人們，那是另類恐怖，在我心中久久不下，無法遺忘。人們眼中的到底是大廈的摧毀，還是生命和關係的破滅？

RWC 2011 so far...

Third day of RWC, so far:

NZL - TGA: expected, nothing exciting here. ABs obviously only aimed to get the bonus point, not anything dramatic.

SCO - ROM: expectedly Scotland won but an unexpectedly tight game!

FJI - NAM: I nearly fell asleep when it was playing on Maori TV, maybe because I knew the score already.

FRA - JPN: totally expected result yet France must had sweated quite a bit when Japan made the point gap so close! I could see that on the face on the French coach. XD

ARG - ENG: For the performance and effort sake Argentina should have won! Lucky English, and ROFL @ Johnny Wilkinson! England defence coach insisted Wilkinson is still the man with the magic boot and he said he'd bet his mortgage on his next kick (that's how much they trust him, he said). Hope he is not going to lose his house.

AUS - ITA: looked at the score, not even interested in watching the highlights.

IRE - USA: not interested in USA.

RSA - WAL: Wales started off sloppy but played better and better over the 80 mins especially the second half! I think they deserved to win over SA! However when the last kick was missed I know they have no luck and the game will end with SA winning by 1 single stupid point. Sad.

Oh by the way, I think the opening celebrations and ceremony were great! Maybe just me being bias. And as usual, Auckland traffic was crap and unreliable. Just the way our city is.

RWC 2011 is here today!

Rugby World Cup 2011 is starting today! Although we are all saying that we may choke again and do not expect too much and don’t get too excited because it’s going to be disappointing blah blah blah, come on, it’s here! No matter we will win or not it’s a cool event. Especially this is happening in New Zealand this year – you know, there’s not many big events in New Zealand.

This is today’s Google doodle. Yeah yeah yeah~ Go the All Blacks~

Caelum will come in between the RWC. I just hope the traffic will be okay on the day I have to rush to the hospital. I have looked at the schedule, the last pool game is on the 2nd October but last pool game in Eden Park is on the 1st October 8:30pm. Then Quarter-final starts on the 8th October 8:30pm. So if Caelum comes on his EDD, id est 7th October, then maybe the traffic is fine… a few days early maybe better. Otherwise he will have to wait till after the 9th because 10th to 14th have no game too.

Let’s see whether he can come to this world in those date ranges.

Love makes people stupid and crazy

LOL…

「我到底是為誰而活的？」

有人在Facebook問了這樣的一個問題。以前我大概都有思想過，然而一段時間後我發現這問題本身可能存在着另一個問題：到底問這問題是否認定人生存之先是為了誰才成立？是因為有「誰」這個原因而為之有「活着」嗎？

有些人會把「因」和「為」放在所有東西之上，譬如太陽的存在因為要照大地，水的存在因為萬物都需要它。然而就是站在天父創造萬物並叫受造的互相效力這點看，這些「因為」也是牽強的。天父可以叫大地被照而無太陽，只是選擇了這一種計劃，而內中萬物是有原因被造但不是為着別的東西，則相互配合。

我們已經活着了。有些人受造之時可能是為着誰，有些人可能不是為着誰，甚至不是為着些甚麼，只是我們已經活着了。然而活着了，我們可以為某些人做某些事情，可以以某些人為己任，可以把某些人放在自己的目標中。但我們不是為這些人而活啊！這些人的存在與否不會改變我們活着與否啊！我們是活着，既然活着，何不盡用，何不使之有意義，何不為其他人的好處做些甚麼。然而不是為他們而活，而是活了就用自己的生命為別人。

難道不是這樣嗎？

Keystroke counter and wedding ring

Read the following from PostSecret today, it’s actually from a month ago, but I haven’t read PostSecret for a while. Read it, it’s actually very interesting.

[The following email was posted with permission. The wedding band has been removed and Federal Expressed back to the sender.]

Dear Frank,

This past week you should have received a postcard with a keystroke counter and a wedding ring. My husband used the keystroke counter to spy on me during my affair.

Is there anyway I can get my ring back? You can post the secret, maybe another person can learn from it, how much damage an affair can cause and how easy it is to be caught.

We're going through marriage counseling now and I'm trying to make amends. Neither of us wants to split our home and our two kids up because of a mistake I made.

Thank you very much.

On one hand I am glad that they are trying to work things out, on the other hand I am amazed with several things:

1. The ring actually got posted to PostSecret successfully – no one took it!
2. People use keystroke counter to spy on affairs?!
3. Neither of them want to split.

Overall it’s an interesting story to share.

At Studio II

昨日去Studio影相，還是和KT一起啦！今次另外有Jaime和Kera，大家去參觀Studio，順道影幾張相。

帶了Danbo去，很可愛呢～

天使般的祝福

突然間有點感觸。

有些人的生命，我們說像天使一般，總是帶給身邊的人祝福，影響着每個相遇過的人。所有人都喜歡他，所有人都感受到他的好。因為他從心底裡欣賞並享受生命，也把衷心的愛與祝福帶給生命裡偶遇的每一個人。

有時候天堂好像離我們很遙遠，概念也很虛無。或者這樣的人把天堂的感覺帶到了我們身邊，讓我們窺視一下一個相親相愛的境界是何樣的存在。就算實際上還是難以設想，至少感覺近似了。

本想說我沒有這樣的恩賜，然而那豈不是一個借口？我們都有給予別人愛和感動的恩賜，只是願不願意、有沒有這樣的宗旨，還是以自己的一切為抱負。

我不是說我要變成那樣好的人，也遺憾未有這般偉大的志願，只是有點感觸而已。唯願我能每天從心裡自然而然的改變一點，慢慢成為一個對世界對身邊的人有點貢獻的人。

唧唧復唧唧

我在織一張被。看相中的進度，就知道仍須努力。千萬不可半途而廢呢。

續觀念

承上題，今日說起我的想法時，被問及我那輩是包括甚麼人。我想了又想，難道是物以類聚？但又不太像呢。。。沒錯，Jas提到的兩個例子是比較事業型，的確大概我們Macleans時走在一起的都比較獨立主導，但我想起其他朋友，就算不是事業型，有錢也拿去旅行、攝影等一般所謂比較「敗家」的玩樂上，而不是考慮結婚生孩子，包括某些小學同學和某親戚。想遠些，不太熟又同期的香港中學同學，不是只享受不停戀愛，就是徘徊上流交際，又或是到我們這年紀才換名假裝後生出來做歌星。另外也有人全職做福音工作甚至向着牧者之路進發，或為藝術工作者，或者開書店（？）等等。

當然也有結了婚的，只是為數不多；也有生了孩子的，但理所當然的更少。

到底是物以類聚，還是真的我那輩欠了點甚麼？

觀念

昨晚跟Ron記和Jen吃飯，我問Jen會不會生孩子，她一刻不猶豫的說：「會！我一定會生！兩個！」

聽了她這樣的回答，我不禁想：到底我這一輩的女孩為甚麼談起生孩子都像是說起瘟疫般的呢？想我的朋友中，有幾多個被問起會爽快的答「一定會」？七年前。。。七年前的我們，全都說未必，甚至說不會。到現在有的結婚了，有的還遙遙無期，更不要說生孩子。

是不是我們那幫女郎太強悍，而且太自私，又太會打算？先想自己的工作和享受，賺得真的要很夠才考慮家庭，還很現實的確保生活質素不會降太多才想生孩子，並精打細算的想好往後十年要怎樣養，甚至遺囑、保險一樣都不缺才計劃行動。更過份的像我，怕痛也是一個原因。我們欠缺那家庭觀念，對與別人一起建立一個單位並延伸下去沒有衝勁，也沒有概念。

我不知道這是不是該慚愧的事情，只是發現我那輩沒有的，竟在她們這一輩看到，還要是多麼的直率，多麼的情願。

We'll always have Paris

要從「濃情化不開」說起。

今天一早我就不停的唱這首歌，只是突然進入腦海盤旋。其中有幾句是這樣的：

為愛你　佔據你一生　比分手更殘忍
若愛你　卻要你犧牲　怎麼可算情深

在那裡　你會更開心　我怎可以自私
為了你　有更好開始　再不捨也願意

我記不起這首歌是甚麼時候的，但想若是移民潮那時也頗合適。那時大概有好些人為將來也好為別的也好而選擇離開或跟隨家人離開的人，帶著無奈與不捨地分開的情侶。

縱使不見　愛情仍可天荒地老

以前我以為相愛就要得到，要在一起；又或者得不到或不能在一起的話，就算沒有可能就算分隔很遠也會一生守候。我想愛一個人，心裡有一個人，就不會再和別人一起，就這樣遠距離守著。

李牧師說以前年輕時有一個女朋友，這個女朋友還幫他寫的書作校對工作。後來他遇見了師母，和這個女朋友分手了，她還是做他的校對。然而她終身沒有嫁人了，不知是不是一直愛著他。結果她死後他也結束了那筆名的生命，對外宣稱作家死了。人們在哀悼大師級的作家的逝世，事實上作家本人還是活生生的，只是為紀念愛過自己很深的女人而結束了這筆名的作家生涯。或者是因為有點遺憾，覺得是自己叫她獨身一生。

是有這樣的人的。

然而我想起Before Sunrise和Before Sunset。男女主角在分開與再遇之間都過著自己的生活。不是沒有想過對方，只是依然會和別人走在一起，和別人戀愛和別人結婚和別人睡和別人生孩子。真的淡泊也好，還是為吸引對方所以那樣說也好，怎樣在那九年內還是各有各的生活著戀愛著。沒有生不如死，也沒有守候一生。再見還是浪漫的，無可否認那感情還是存在的，避免不了的互相吸引著。

及後又想到Casablanca，Rick與Ilsa的關係。當初她走了，為著原來還未死的丈夫；到再遇見原來還是帶著愛慕之情。最後他使她走了，說"We'll always have Paris."，為過去的都畫上了句號，只有懷念。

我沒有再覺得守候一生才是愛情，有時過自己的生活，和別人在一起，也不等於那情就沒有了。當然，守候聽上去更神聖，但人們都只是人，像她那樣忘不了他而獨身一生，是萬中無一矣。

雜物

小王子襯我不在家，把車房裏放了四年多的幾個箱子翻了出來，扔掉了許多東西。我回來時他還在忙中，並叫我快點去洗澡。原因非常簡單：因為給我看到那些翻出來的東西的話，就甚麼也扔不了。我對物件異常放不下，所以很難丟棄東西，久而久之雜物堆積。不看見或者忘了，看見又會嚷着不可掉。故眼不見為淨：看不見時被扔掉則可能想起時當是遺失了。

我好像真的有太多東西呢。。。

Yummy cake and Sunny day

Today is Mr. Choy's 30th birthday. Last night we went steamboat with him and some friends. I like the cake Jason bought, it's very yummy.

We went to Viaduct and the North Wharf this afternoon after Church, where the trams are, and where all the new extensions are built as part of the Rugby World Cup preparation. Good exercise for me. For a longtime I haven't been walking for more than 15 mins! It's good timing too because my back pain has basically gone in the last week. Before I really can't walk for long.

Nice weather and warm when the sun was out. It's a bit windy when we walked back from Gelato place to Jason's car, but overall it was an enjoyable afternoon.

I was a bit sleepy after I got home, but didn't sleep before dinner. Now it's 10:30pm, guess it's about time to rest. However that doesn't mean I am going to sleep now. Usually I will spend an hour on sudoku in bed before I sleep at night, haha.

上堂

和Spot仔賴在床上不願起來，還是快要起來，第二課antenatal class呢。

Mystery

I was reading some old blog posts of people. Once again, after many years, I realise sometimes attraction and attachment just build up secretly and quietly from no where. Different kind of relationships arise from time to time between people: friendship, love, trust, or all sorts of negative kinds. Looking back it's hard to figure out how some of these has been developed, formed or changed. Since when I found this guy interesting? Since when I wanted to be friend with him? Since when I fell in love with him? Since when I found these people annoying? Since when I disliked those people? I wonder how many people can clearly work out the start or the causes of these feelings.

Maybe the start and causes are not important, but that's really quite interesting. I sometimes wonder why myself would become good friends with some people, and why myself would find some people more attractive, and why myself would be more attached to some people but not some others. I guess it's the same kind of mystery for everyone, and sometimes it may as well be left as a mystery.

Oh I am not sure what myself is trying to say anymore. Anyway.

Connect 2011 Day 1

一整天下來，很累很累，很想睡。但這餐晚飯還未吃到主菜，大概不到十時都走不了。然後還要回公司拿我的車子駕回家呢。。。

明天還是要一大清早吧。非常累人的兩天。

現在只想回家上床睡覺，主菜可以不吃，甜品也甘心忍痛割捨；卻不是想回家就能離席的時候，也沒有車子呢。

好累好累，好想睡。

無題 XV

她跟他說要花兩年時間到森林到溪間到峽谷到草原找尋獨角的獸，因為牠的眼淚可使他們倆永恆的在一起，相愛並幸福。他叫她不要去，因為他不想和她分開；但她為了他們的愛情和將來，決心去找這一頭獸，就算一去就要兩年。結果他忍痛放手，讓她去找那樣的幸福。

披星帶月，穿山越嶺，她走了許多的路，一點也不容易。每到一個地方她都寫信給他，告訴他點點滴滴，告訴他為了他們的愛情她在努力着。兩年後她終於找到了獨角的獸和牠的淚，那是她辛苦尋來的幸福啊！懷着那被祝福的心情，她踏上回家的路途。然而她走得好遠好遠，回家的路也要走上一年半載。

終於她回到了家鄉，回到了他們相愛的地方。她很想要給他驚喜，於是敲了那扇久違了的門。出來迎接的是一個陌生的女子，帶着朝氣，有點像三年前未經風霜的她。她禮貌的詢問他是不是搬遷了到別處，陌生的女子笑着回答說：「丈夫只是今晚加班啦，也快要回來了，妳是他的朋友？要進來飲杯茶等他嗎？」

剎那間她明白了：他尋到了別的幸福。沒有獸的眼淚，卻已有幸福。原來為了這眼淚，她一早放棄了他們倆的幸福。

本想把獸的眼淚留下，可以讓他知道倔強的她回來過，也想給他和陌生的女子一個心碎的祝福。當她伸手進口袋裡握到獸的眼淚之際，轉念一想：何必多此一舉呢！況且自己未來不是更需要這祝福嗎？他已有他的幸福，她還要握着這找尋自己的幸福呢。

於是她貫徹始終地倔強地微笑了一下，說：「不用了，謝謝。」轉身，離去。握緊囗袋裡自己這幾年的堅持，沒有鬆下一口氣，那是她所選擇的路。

新戀情

石小姐報告再度蜜運中，我很欣慰。看相片五官端正、相貌不錯、身材看上去也好，又據小姐報稱是"Civil Engineer + Soccer player + Drummer"，我戲言竟有這樣的好男人單身留給她，大概是命運了。經歴了幾段感情，我也希望她從中學了不少，這次能好好的守着，慢慢的培養，繼而開花結果。三年後結婚的話我可以借一個花仔給她，太早的話就沒法子了。。。對，我已經想得很遠很遠。

親愛的，要幸福哦！

遲來了的寒冬

天氣寒冷而且反覆，時晴時雨時落雹，南島處處降雪，許多人要留守在家。奧克蘭未有此景象，但今早起床時聽見窗外橫風橫雨，也有點心驚，想着要不要留在家中工作算了。結果還是決定起來梳洗，到要出門時太陽照着大地，只有一點雨粉。當然，天氣還是寒冷，風繼續吹。

Christchurch - Maria's house

途中看見踏著單車派信的郵差姨姨，心想之前下大雨刮大風時她已踏著她的單車派信，非常堅毅。突然有一絲感動，人們為著工作努力著，為著把郵件送到收件人的手上努力著。果然寫信寄信收信是很浪漫的事情。

by CoverMeInGasoline

結婚

當身邊有人很匆忙的要結婚，我不禁思考到底一對情侶要結婚的目的會是甚麼，又甚麼時候是好時候，而在一起多久才算成熟，要平穩多久方算適合。

太概每一對人也不一樣吧。有些人結婚純為相愛，有些人結婚為責任，也有些人結婚為逃避令一些恐懼。記得數個月以前某男在與甲女分手後要復合時立刻提出結婚，而復合關係還是不果；數月後在發生大事情後立刻與導前者分手之乙女提出結婚。抽身看這事，不說甚麼，只覺得這樣的反應或者是PTSD的表現 - 所以我說也有些人要結婚是為逃避令一些恐懼。

另某男女在一起多年，還是未結婚，閒時我們也會談起。口說就是說結不結婚只差一紙，實際上我又覺得雙方都是想結婚的，也到了時候。即萬事皆備，只欠東風。有時和一方說起，這「東風」此人認為是某一實物，我說若另一方不看重，和我一樣認為沒需要，根本不該執著。然而另一友人則同意是必須的。也沒甚麼對錯啦，而且從中看得出這人重視這段感情，重視婚姻關係，重視自己的伴侶，所以要把自己認為是必要的給對方。

為著甚麼而結婚，對結婚後又有甚麼期望，這些都是值得在結婚前思考的問題。當然，更主要的考慮是對方是不是自己真的想廝守一生的人，又是不是真的能夠相愛一生的人。有些人結婚只是找一個人定下來生活，我卻無可奈何地渴求愛情。

這也連帶令我想起另一對已婚的人，以前我也提過，狀況不好不好的維持了數年，現在似乎也到達白熱化的階段。大概就是一方認為婚姻只是必經的階段，結婚只是生活生活。在人面前兩人共同進退，為別人的期望提出生個孩子，還有什麼不足呢？這樣的婚結得好嗎？這是兩人結婚前所期待的嗎？或者結婚時不是這樣想，久而久之一方演變成這樣了，有甚麼辦法呢？

The Thinker

當我在螢幕上看到這姿勢，我真的笑了出來。一下子就聯想到右邊那個。

還不用思考那麼多吧，將來有許多要煩要想的呢。

無無聊聊

最近我開始不太想工作了。。。大概和易累及腦閉塞有關。

左畫畫右畫畫，只是無無聊聊一邊看劇集一邊試筆而已，沒甚麼目標。

本來想早點睡，卻總是在電腦前看啊畫啊，不經不覺又十一時許。。。

Two birdies

I was just testing out Illustrator, not really had anything in my mind when I was drawing this. Turn out these birdies are quite cute. :D

I am going to spend more time on Illustrator to try different things out.

Birdies are in love~

Guess I am a happy person

Randomly drew something with my tablet, a very kiddy drawing. Looking at my drawing now, I guess I am a happy person, it's a happy kiddy drawing. :)

懷舊

翻看了幾篇舊網誌：

• 今天應該很高興
• 原來過得很快樂
• 天吾、時間、我、貓之村
• 不幸福的愛情的實戰經驗
• … 還有許多

大都是年頭或上年年尾的的網誌。有時看舊網誌感觸很多，也不知是好事還是壞事。有些人永遠向前看，不往後回顧；而我則是不斷回顧不斷懷緬的人，停濟在時間中不前進，掛念好的日子，又感傷壞的日子，惦著別人的好，也記著別人的壞。或者因為這樣我總較難與現在和現實並行，無論感情還是理性也追不上今天。

或者真的不太好，但我又不想改變。我喜歡上這一個缺憾。

快樂人共並肩

小王子昨晚與幾個友人外出吃飯，然後在朋友那六十二樓對著維港的家裡談了許久。我很高興小王子能在香港與很多朋友聚舊，又有許多機會和他們談天說地呢。其中一個朋友曾經重憂鬱，小王子說他很關心我，昨晚他們用了好些時間談我，又教小王子該怎樣對待我等等。我有點驚訝，還以為這個朋友不太會記得我呢。這樣進入別人充滿關心的話題，讓我感到被遙遠的人們喜歡著，那也是一種幸福。

Damnatio

I heard this news on the radio this morning.

Maori MP: 'Condemn' suicide victims

"If a child commits suicide, let us consider not celebrating their lives on our marae; perhaps bury them at the entrance of the cemetery so their deaths will be condemned by the people," he wrote.

"In doing these things, it demonstrates the depth of disgust the people have with this. Yes it is a hard stance, but what else can we do?"

Yes, we should discourage people commit suicide, of course, all lives are valuable, but not celebrating their lives in the marae? Bury them at the entrance of the cemetery so their deaths will be condemned? Are these actions penalising the dead ones, or their family, whanau and iwi? Are the reasons of these people committed suicide being considered?

It’s easy to say “people should never commit suicide, be positive and face the difficulties in our lives”, yet sometimes it’s not that simple.

It’s just… not that simple.

夜未覺夜

有點無聊，突然想弄些甚麼給Caelum，於是這兩天就在縫呀車呀，弄了些小東西，也不肯定會放在哪裡，可能只是裝飾用啦。手工也不是很好，因為現在我坐多一會做多一點也很累，右邊肋骨處每天也痛，背部腰骨位置也很痛，有時站起身還要一會兒才能行走。雖說早知不是易事，但還是很不舒服嘛。

王子還有一星期多才回來，我已經悶得發霉了。

iTunes剛播到黃耀明的《不夜情》。

只得一雙黑眼睛
曾歷盡多彩多姿的生命
一彎身軀多少過客
只愛在懷內覓暫借的恬靜
寂寞過剩  無邊昇平
看你的臉
彷彿看見一個千里洋場在演變劇情
你說不必生生世世
只要夜來仍能念出你姓名

很喜歡這一首歌，為甚麼現在很少有這些歌的呢？是林夕已寫不出這樣的詞，還是能像黃耀明的歌手不多？或者只是我偏心，或者只是我感性，或者不是樂壇的問題。

現在播的是《再見二丁目》，黃耀明的Live版，也是我很喜歡的歌呢。只是我不太喜歡這個Live版。然後是黃耀明的Live版《約定》 - 只不過剛好我調了iTunes是順著Artist播下去而已。