The first three days (after the first night) were really stressful for me. I tried to breast feed Caelum but he never could get enough. So after I fed him, then put him down, then in half an hour he cried for food again. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat properly, hands shaking all the time. I felt so defeated and useless, cried at night when I was alone with Caelum in Birthcare, felt so sorry for him.
The day we returned home, Nick and I have decided to top Caelum's diet up with formula. It's just not worth it - I mean, me being overly stressed and blame myself and not sure what to do versus all the good of feeding only breast milk. I was not bonding with Caelum, and instead I was just kept worrying when he'd stop crying and feel satisfied. After a day and a night, I finally got rid of the guilt of not just feeding Caelum with breast milk but adding formula as well. Then I started to feel much more relax and can bond with Caelum. My hands were no longer shaking (physically) all the time. Caelum also started to feel more satisfied and can sleep for a few hours instead of half an hour (or worst 15 mins) too. From yesterday, he started to smile. Now he smiles very often.
I have learned quite a bit when I was getting through this struggle. I have been pushing myself too harsh for something - yes, important - but may not be the most important. Nick said would I ever blame my mum for not breast feeding me and I said no, then he said Caelum would be the same. I have been focused on the wrong thing. If I am not happy and bonding with Caelum correctly but instead in a overly stressful and uneasy way, then the basic parent-child relationship is ruined - not feeding formula that would ruin the relationship. After all I think Caelum wants us to love him instead of feeling he's a source of stress and burden.
Everyday I am learning something new with taking care of this boy here. At least now I am more relax, and ready, to enjoy the time with him.
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