賀爸昨日五十四媽今天五十七

昨天爸爸生日，今天媽媽生日，我們去日本餐廳吃晚餐，後來還去吃雪糕。老爸與弟弟穿衣不多，結果回程時一邊走一邊瑟縮瑟縮，爸還打了數個噴嚏，我笑了他幾遍。老媽倒是包得像粽子一樣。。。

和家人度過了愉快的一個晚上。

Somewhere out there

On my way home, I looked out the window. The moonlight tonight was pale, and somehow mystifying. Then I started singing this song.

Ya, somewhere out there. Somewhere, out there.

Somewhere Out There
written by James Horner, Barry Mann, Cynthia Weil

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

Tertium cont.

Also thought about little prince's family. Maybe that's why I always say his family is his family, I am an outsider. Maybe it's not the case that they think I am an outsider, but instead, I see our differences, and I think they won't accept me, they won't love me as much as if I am the same as them, so I make myself the outsider, make myself don't care whether they think I am a family member or not, and then think they treat me like an outsider, and so because they don't understand me, it ends up I am like an outsider. So it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Not just family, but friends, people... maybe all similar story.

From talking to Candy, I started to figure out a way to change... but I guess, it's something that requires some time.

Why and when did I start off these defensive routine, at the end we didn't find it out. However, I guess it's okay. The cause is not that important given I know what I can do to change it, to get out of it.

Hope I will become a good girl one day.

Tertium

I think, it’s harder to talk about my third therapy. This time we focused a lot on the “you” and “me” issue, i.e. the separation issue. Remember last time Candy told me to go home and pray to ask about the cause of me jump into my defensive mode so quickly. So I went home and prayed, but God didn’t give me a cause, instead, he gave me a dream, that I thought it’s related, but couldn’t understand, until I discussed that with Candy. So let me first talk about my dream.

In my dream, I had two dreams. Yes, I do mean, in my dream, I dreamed, 2 times. I don’t mean I had two dreams, it’s only one dream for me. So the first dream (in my dream) went like this:

Annie and Gigi started off a store, and this is the first day, so they have a big group of people in the store promoting for them. All the girls in red and all the boys in black and these clothes are specially made with special material for this store opening event. I was not invited, but I went there. I was wearing my own clothes. I was upset. Then Gigi told me to wear a red t-shirt too (not the special ones) so I can be with them. Then I told them that I don’t want to, because I was not invited at the beginning, and wearing on any red shirt just indicates I am really not part of them but try to fit in only. People will think it’s me trying to fit in with them, trying to be accepted into the group.

Then in my dream, I woke up from this first dream, and realised I was sitting together with a group of people, all of us wearing different things. Not sure why we were sitting on sofas in a circle. Suddenly, I fell asleep again and had another dream. In this second dream, I was sitting together with this group of people in a circle again, but all of us were wearing blue shirts, we were all the same, and in the dream I knew we were a group, they were together with me.

Once again, I woke up from the dream in my dream. And later, I really woke up.

I wondered what this whole dream was about, and thought would that means the cause has something to do with clothes. Though, couldn’t get it.

So I went to see Candy on Tuesday and talked to her about this. She asked me in normal case, what would I do in the first dream. I said, that’s pretty much what I would thought, and I would also say things like 「我才不屑穿，不屑和你們一樣呢。」. She said, exactly, that’s how I jump to defence myself. I quickly use the idea of “不屑” whenever I feel myself is different from people, because I instantly jump to conclusion that people who are different from me would not accept me. Immediately I feel they are a group, and I am the loner. Instead of facing a possible feeling of being left out, I always choose to tackle this by making myself the one choose not to be with them. Candy said I probably have practiced this too often, and for too long, so I jump into this kind of conclusion very very quickly. She said my assumption of “people who are different will not accept me” is wrong. Of course there are people like that, but not everyone, and probably, not most of the people. However when I, myself choose to set apart myself, people would really think I don’t like them, 不屑跟他們在一起, therefore it ends up, really, they separate me out of the group.

However, a lot of time, can be like what happened in the dream. Gigi told me to wear a red t-shirt so i can be with them, I refused. People actually trying to engage with me, trying to make me part of them. Although, it’s not completely the same, although the t-shirt is not the special one, although I wasn’t invited at the beginning. They are trying to make me part of the group. And at first maybe it is a bit odd, but at the end people will know me more and I will know them more. And I am the one, who refuse to take the step, refuse to move forward, refuse to accept the chance. And all may because of my 自尊. Instead, I can choose to take it, or try to be proactively get into the group, because, the second dream tells me, at the end, I do want to be in the group, I do want to engage with people. It’s not true that I am 不屑. The grapes are sour only because I do not want to put down myself to get them.

It’s so true, about me. And, it’s so hard, to face and accept this weakness. Guess I really need to work it out.

I thought about the church, I thought about Francis Yu, I thought about people from the church… I guess, that’s what have been happening all these years.

Steamboat @ Olympic

 
 

Yay~ first steamboat event at Olympic lunch room. We had quite a lot of food, but we managed to finish all of them. Yes, ALL!!! Nothing left! It was really fun and everyone came out with a full stomach.

A very amazing event, and we have decided to have another one (at least!) before the winter ends. Some people couldn’t make it this time because it’s on Tuesday, so next time, maybe Wednesday. :)

Yum~

祖祖的禮物

 

媽媽從香港回來，也帶給我祖祖的禮物。這是我想要很久很久很久的東西。自見過祖祖那包書套後，非常喜歡，常常想看看有沒有類似的東西可以買。早幾天也刻意在書店內找過，就是沒有這樣的東西。怎料媽媽回來那天，竟給我帶了這個來！從來沒有跟祖祖說過我很想很想很想要呢，實是一個驚喜！

媽媽說祖祖計劃製造並擺檔出賣。。。在哪擺檔？我已決定訂一批貨，因為我想送這個給好幾個朋友。

把話題扯遠一點，小王子說我該打電話給祖祖。我說打電話，我又不知說甚麼，非常討厭打電話的我，實在無法拿起電話致電回港呢。。。不過我有在Facebook謝謝祖祖哦～只是，打電話嘛，還是太難。（對，這就是為甚麼我坐在書店姐姐的書店門外卻沒打電話給她的原因呢。。。）

Too tired

I have quite a bit I want to write about, including my third therapy, Jill's gift, and hot pot night. However at the moment I am too tired already. ya 8:30pm, but I woke up at 6:15 for two days consecutively, for those reviews. During winter time, I am like a bit lazy snake, or turtle.All I want is to hide and sleep longer and wake up later in the morning. 31 hours in 3 working days (ya, coz Tuesday off to school, no work on Tuesday)... I think I am entitled to sleep more tonight. Hope I will have a good sleep. I had three bad sleep nights this week already.

Recently I always dream of big big flood or tsunami, three times already, although they are all a bit different. Wonder do they mean anything at all.

so sleepy...

就是欠了些甚麼

這個時候，是我不太感性的時候。很少思想，很少有甚麼情緒。很可能是因為那些所謂穩定情緒的藥，但沒有甚麼起伏，我不禁覺得欠了些甚麼。或者周圍的人是比較好過些，但我總。。。就是不協調般。當然，我不是這個世界的中心，別人的感覺也非常非常重要，所以別人好過些，也就夠好了。

只是。。。有點不自在。雖然我現在是最function的，工作如是，讀書如是。。。做甚麼都可以集中，也沒甚麼奇怪思想，只是。。。那是甚麼也想不出寫不出的情況，對四周發生的事情欠缺了某種感覺。

哎～你當我甚麼也沒說吧。我也不知我在說甚麼。

今日的Meeting Minutes

劇情

今日看了很多集NUMB3RS。很久沒有過這樣無聊的星期六，因為每個禮拜不是有assignment就是有test。

Don跟Liz這個再搭上的前女友分手後，很快地又跟Robin這個前女友又搭上了。謎一樣的電視劇，第一天再搭上就走上床去，然後過了一兩集就可以和Liz談論他和Robin。世界真的是這樣的嗎？外邊的人真的都是這樣的嗎？

這令我有某些聯想。以前人們可能會想：這個人以前交過男／女朋友，一定有跟人錫錫過的了，但沒所謂啦，誰拍拖不錫錫的啊。現在的人可能會想：這個人以前交過男／女朋友，一定有跟人上過床的了，但也沒所謂啦，誰拍拖不上床的啊。大概世界不知不覺間就變成這樣了。

我小學的時候，可是連每次拖個手也會寫下日記的純情哦。。。 XD

Nobody

"I see nobody on the road," said Alice.

"I only wish I had such eyes," the King remarked in a fretful tone. "To be able to see Nobody! And at the distance too! Why, it's as much as I can do to see real people, by this light!"

Burble burble burble

You may be able to tell already: I am trying to write more here again.

This is a little cycle thingy of me. When I am in a terrible state, I have a lot of inner thoughts, but seldom write here, seldom expose what I am thinking. When I am in good condition, I tend to write more in this blog. So from the number of posts, you can kind of tell whether I am fine, or not fine.

Actually, I don't have too much time to think recently. Work is getting busy now, which is of course a good thing. There are more works lining up, more clients to see, more proposals and system designs to do. At the same time, towards the end of the semester, there are more assignments, more tests, and exam coming up as well. Ya, I am going to have another test next Tuesday, so another study weekend for me.

Sasanka is leaving the company next month and will move to Melbourne. Originally he wanted to quit work earlier. In February, on the day he wanted to tell Joe that he's going to leave, I went in and said I was not going to work for a month before he had a chance to speak. After he heard that, he decided not to tell Joe at that time, and not to leave at that period. Now I am okay again, back to work, and will be back to full time soon after this semester. So he decided to leave Olympic by mid June. As I said our company is always like a family. I really thank Sasanka for delaying his departure because of my condition, actually, without us knowing this, he just decided to delay it himself when he knew I had to off work. Although he probably won't be happy about this, I really believe that's God's plan and I thank God for this. I cannot imagine what would happen if both Sasanka and I were not there at the company. Though the guys are extremely good and capable and honestly I don't do much anyway, but still, one more person is always better.

I had an important dream last night - at least, I thought it's important straight after I had that dream. So in the midnight I kept telling myself I have to remember this dream and write it down. In order to make myself remember, I even say some keywords to myself to reinforce the memory because I knew by the time I wake up I may forget the dream. Nevertheless, now I only remember some of the keywords, still couldn't remember this complete dream... "doctor", "care", "female patient", "heart rate", "consider", "reason"...

Oh well, too bad. So I guess telling yourself something during sleep and expect yourself would remember on the next day does not work very well.

Latin is good. The more I learn, the more I understand why people say learning Latin helps English grammar. At least now I know the difference between "who" and "whom", haha. Love Latin so much, very cool, but useless. Another useless interest of mine outside work.

Nearly 12, should go to sleep. Study tomorrow. *SIGH*...

Now, I wonder, does anyone actually read all these? Up to this line?!

Thought of you today

 

Then I saw this.

Deus tecum.

剖腹取子

有人格障礙但沒有精神問體，匪夷所思的一句，另有見報導「10名心理及精神科專家當中，有9人均確定被告只患有抑鬱症及性格障礙，沒有精神問題」，令我沒法理解。因為人格障礙，是在DSM的Axis II，醫生，究竟這樣的精神判定是甚麼意思？

重點不是這個。

當我在收音機聽到這則新聞，正是駕車和弟弟上學的時候。非常的驚訝，剖腹取子，何等的恐怖，我可以想像被剖的母親的恐懼。然而，我也絕對想像得到做這事之人的心情。

只是聽到，想到，那一刻讓我非常害怕。

 

劏肚搶嬰文員囚10年

2010-05-11

梁倩婷誘大肚網友到寓所企圖劏肚搶子案，案件擾攘一年多，梁昨終在高院被判入獄10年，並由囚車押走。（何家達攝）

三度墮胎小產 傳宗接代受壓

【明報專訊】前年本港發生匪夷所思的勒暈孕婦剖腹搶子案，假裝大肚的女文員在網上以送贈嬰兒用品為藉口，引誘臨盆在即的女網友上門，其間劏肚搶子；大肚婆一度命危，男嬰出生後成植物人，半年後死亡。女文員昨被判囚10年，報告透露她沒有精神病，但因不快童年致人格障礙，加上兩次小產及一次墮胎，及備受傳宗接代壓力，終引發悲劇。

現年28歲的被告梁倩婷，去年9月在高院承認於08年9月16日在粉嶺花都廣場單位內嚴重傷害26歲李姓事主，以及誤殺李的兒子。案件先後押後5次，共取得10份精神及心理學家報告。

高院法官邵德煒昨判刑時說，事主在案發後一度需留醫深切治療部，明顯被告對她造成的傷害，無論是將她勒暈或是其腹上刀傷，均威脅事主的生命；另一方面，醫生緊急替事主開刀取出的男嬰，因在子宮一度缺氧而致大腦受損，醫治半年後不治，被告面對的兩項罪名均是嚴重罪行，性命攸關，足判被告終身監禁。

網上搜尋「哥羅芳」 官不信無預謀

而根據警方調查所得，被告案發前已不斷在網上以「哥羅芳」、「從屍體上取嬰」、「剖腹產子方法」等字眼搜尋，被告向精神及心理專家解釋，上述搜尋只是出於好奇，其大律師亦指出，被告案發前曾邀請其他大肚婆到其寓所取嬰兒用品，卻沒有犯案，否認被告有預謀犯案。

但法官拒絕接納有關說法，指被告最起碼的計劃是將事主弄暈後搶走其腹中胎兒，但控辯雙方均同意，被告沒有意圖殺死事主，亦沒有預計男嬰會死亡。他續指被告有預謀傷害事主，案情之嚴重已達到判囚終身的第一個要求。

沒精神病有人格障礙 抗逆力弱

法官續稱，報告顯示，若被告日後面對類似情况，仍會對他人有暴力傾向，這亦符合判處被告終身監禁的另一要求，餘下要考慮的是被告將來重犯的可能。惟被告前後共10份的精神及心理報告，大部分均指被告人格出現困難，抗逆力弱，卻沒有一個專家可以肯定的指出被告重犯機率高，只表示會否重犯要視乎被告對心理治療的反應。

由於被告家人及丈夫均表示願意支持被告，而被告自還押後自願接受心理治療，法官經考慮後認為，判被告一個固定刑期仍是最適合的做法，兩項控罪的量刑起點分別為入獄12年及入獄5年，認罪扣減及從整體刑期考慮後，判被告入獄10年，其間要接受心理治療。

嬰兒用品誘網友上門 勒暈割肚

案情指被告在網上親子討論區「親子王國」留言，表示自己可送出嬰兒用品，26歲李姓事主不虞有詐，應邀獨自到被告的粉嶺寓所取嬰兒用品。李離開前，訛稱兩日後臨盆的被告突然表示腰及腹痛，李遂留下陪伴，其間本拿着按摩器按摩的被告突然表示「好驚」，擁着李後趁機用按摩器的電線將李勒暈，繼而在李的下腹用刀割開4至5吋長的傷口，深至脂肪外露。其後被告丈夫返家，發現李昏迷在廚房地櫃內，於是報警。

【案件編號﹕HCCC80/09】

PE衫與胸的問題

怎麼會無端問一個這麼搞笑的問題呢？當然不是期待有人很認真的回答我了。

昨天，某些事叫我聯想起小學時的「PE衫」，即體育校服。小學時的PE衫，女孩子是紅色，男孩子是黃色（看附圖），這麼多年都沒有變過，連PE褲的款式都是一樣的。

記憶中我很討厭穿PE衫。不是不好看，也不是不舒適，只是我比同齡小朋友發育得早。那時總覺得穿PE衫感覺好「空洞」，非常沒有安全感，無耐老師又不讓人大熱天時穿外套。總之，感覺非常的差，到現在也記得有多討厭我的PE衫。

到中學時，我是讀女校的。對，穿長衫的女校。不知道為甚麼，我們全都覺得身材是要掩飾的東西，主要還是那兩團肉吧。所以大熱天也最少要穿著背心冷衫。對比起外國小妞們，一離開學校就把胸口鈕扣「有咁低開咁低」，真是天淵之別。

曾和兩男多次討論過「胸」這個問題。我一直都是喜歡細胸的。對，其實我是討厭大胸的，倒不是認為胸部大小和智慧成反比例，只是覺得細胸穿衣服比較漂亮，而且比較方便。兩男不以為然，並發表「你未體驗過大胸嘅好處嗟！」為結論，令人氣結。

就是這樣的原因，讓我有點奇想：到底別人當時有甚麼感覺呢？

只限女生

想問大家一個問題，很認真的。

最初，小時候，當你開始察覺到心口有兩塊異常的肉生出來，有甚麼感覺？

Secundum

Today I had my second therapy. fuit bonum. I told Candy now I finally understand what "open" means when people told me I have to be open in these therapy sessions. At first I thought, ya, open, no problem, I can open and talk, I am not going to hide. Sed nunc intellego. It's not open to talk, but open to accept what aren't right in me, what are different in me, and what required to be rectified. Etiam open to the methods of rectification, to change the way of thinking, even though the process can be slow because there are a lot of things in me are already there for long time.

One central thing came up was self-centred, pro hoc hunc gratias ago. I really thank someone for telling me this many times in the past. It caused me to think why he said that, what does it mean, and what's wrong in me. Honestly I never understood. When people said I am a self-centred person, I never understood and quickly jumped into denial because I truly thought I am not one of this kind. These few months I have been thinking about this more, and finally I guess I understand what this means.

It's true that I am always of such kind. I measure everything as they all revolve around me. When something happens, when there is conflict, all I ever think about are what's happening about and around me, how myself feel, how myself think, what should I do or not do, what can I do or cannot do. However it's not always about me - someone said this to me before as well, and I didn't understand, till now. The world contains more than me myself, and other people have feelings and thoughts, those are contributing to things that are happening as well. We all exist, as groups, not as one single person, not a solo existence. I get frustrated when things don't go as my expectation portraits, but things don't have to go my ways, they can go in other ways.

In the past, I sincerely thought I do not think like this, I wasn't just in denial, I basically didn't understand. Now I finally understand that I am a person like this, just that I didn't know. It's not a negative thing, it's a positive thing, to know.

This relates to the problem we left open last time, to discuss in this therapy. It's about my mindset, that easily comes to a point that I would separate me myself from others, others as everyone else. So my world view always comes to "Me and The Others". I kept telling Little Prince that I always feel that "his family" is his family, and I am always the outsider; and when conversations start to heat up, I easily jump to a state that "you all think like blah blah" and "I think blah blah", or "you all think I am blah blah", or "you all see me as blah blah", et cetra.

Candy said all these self-centred things, especially we are talking about this "separation" thinking, is a distortion. She said very possibly there is something in my childhood that caused me to make early decision for the sake of protecting myself. This early decision I have brought with me in my entire life, that myself do not notice, and never realise it's an issue, and never realise the reason behind. She told me to go home and pray, ask God to remind me what may have happened in the past that may have caused me to have this distorted thinking. She said it could be a very small thing in my childhood that wasn't handled correctly by myself or by adults. At the moment I am not sure. I thought of one instance, but I am not sure. Let me go home and pray to God and ask.

Regardless what the cause was, she said, at least we can now try to change it. Let's start with two things from today:

1. Put your feet into other's shoes

I thought I have attempted to do this, but apparently, unfortunately, I was wrong. When I do this, I thought "ya if I were him or her then I would/would not blah blah", but I am still thinking from my point of view, from my ways of thinking. The correct way is to think in their ways, not to think in my ways but as if I were in their situations.

2. Change my mindset to "We", instead of "me".

I know, all these sound very sensible and normal to most of the people out there, probably including you, who have read this long blog post up to here. However, they are never simple to me. I really need to think through for a long period of time and listen to what Candy said and wrote down notes and study what she said in order to understand what I have to do. So this blog post here is actually myself thinking through what I have discovered and learned today. Hodie mullta magna didici, et bene didici.

Viam meam cum deo inveniam et bona ero.

I Love My Mum

This year Mother’s Day, my mum is in Hong Kong, and I was suffering hay fever whole day.

In the closing prayer I did for the cell group, I said let’s not forget about our dad too. God gives us parents so we can have a glimpse of God’s love. That’s why we don’t come out of a stone, or just out of no where. Well at least, this is what I believe God’s purpose of having parent-child relationship.

Now since mum is in Hong Kong, dad is cooking our food. I love my dad too, of course. The steak last night was good, although in first attempt the steak was not cooked (basically raw, haha). At the end it’s all good.

Latin and Mario

This is the first time I wrote down something in Latin. I mean, not for school work, but wrote down what in my mind in Latin.

Quid scripsi? Non dicam. (What did I write? I will not tell.)

Test is on next Tuesday. I have been studying hard today, and will be studying hard again tomorrow night.

Question of the day, how many pixels to make a Mario? Here is a 12x16 one:



P.S. Mario is an Italian. First appeared in Donkey Kong 1981.

Bonjour Tristesse (1954)

“A strange melancholy pervades me to which I hesitate to give the grave and beautiful name of sadness. In the past the idea of sadness always appealed to me, now I am almost ashamed of its complete egoism.”

-- Bonjour Tristesse (1954), Françoise Sagan

終於看完了這本非常短的書。買了個多月，最近才拿起來看；太短了，結果數天的空閒時間就看完，意猶未盡。

要寫得這麼坦白，描繪得這樣仔細，何等的難。大概要像Sagan這樣的女子，才可以這麼赤裸地寫出情感、糾結和掙扎。

有多少個Cécile，有多少個Sagan？或者法國有很多，只是我，怎樣叛逆還是禮教下的中國人。可以想，不會說，不會形容，不會給人知道我有多不堪。

 

下一本是這個～