Tertium

I think, it’s harder to talk about my third therapy. This time we focused a lot on the “you” and “me” issue, i.e. the separation issue. Remember last time Candy told me to go home and pray to ask about the cause of me jump into my defensive mode so quickly. So I went home and prayed, but God didn’t give me a cause, instead, he gave me a dream, that I thought it’s related, but couldn’t understand, until I discussed that with Candy. So let me first talk about my dream.

In my dream, I had two dreams. Yes, I do mean, in my dream, I dreamed, 2 times. I don’t mean I had two dreams, it’s only one dream for me. So the first dream (in my dream) went like this:

Annie and Gigi started off a store, and this is the first day, so they have a big group of people in the store promoting for them. All the girls in red and all the boys in black and these clothes are specially made with special material for this store opening event. I was not invited, but I went there. I was wearing my own clothes. I was upset. Then Gigi told me to wear a red t-shirt too (not the special ones) so I can be with them. Then I told them that I don’t want to, because I was not invited at the beginning, and wearing on any red shirt just indicates I am really not part of them but try to fit in only. People will think it’s me trying to fit in with them, trying to be accepted into the group.

Then in my dream, I woke up from this first dream, and realised I was sitting together with a group of people, all of us wearing different things. Not sure why we were sitting on sofas in a circle. Suddenly, I fell asleep again and had another dream. In this second dream, I was sitting together with this group of people in a circle again, but all of us were wearing blue shirts, we were all the same, and in the dream I knew we were a group, they were together with me.

Once again, I woke up from the dream in my dream. And later, I really woke up.

I wondered what this whole dream was about, and thought would that means the cause has something to do with clothes. Though, couldn’t get it.

So I went to see Candy on Tuesday and talked to her about this. She asked me in normal case, what would I do in the first dream. I said, that’s pretty much what I would thought, and I would also say things like 「我才不屑穿，不屑和你們一樣呢。」. She said, exactly, that’s how I jump to defence myself. I quickly use the idea of “不屑” whenever I feel myself is different from people, because I instantly jump to conclusion that people who are different from me would not accept me. Immediately I feel they are a group, and I am the loner. Instead of facing a possible feeling of being left out, I always choose to tackle this by making myself the one choose not to be with them. Candy said I probably have practiced this too often, and for too long, so I jump into this kind of conclusion very very quickly. She said my assumption of “people who are different will not accept me” is wrong. Of course there are people like that, but not everyone, and probably, not most of the people. However when I, myself choose to set apart myself, people would really think I don’t like them, 不屑跟他們在一起, therefore it ends up, really, they separate me out of the group.

However, a lot of time, can be like what happened in the dream. Gigi told me to wear a red t-shirt so i can be with them, I refused. People actually trying to engage with me, trying to make me part of them. Although, it’s not completely the same, although the t-shirt is not the special one, although I wasn’t invited at the beginning. They are trying to make me part of the group. And at first maybe it is a bit odd, but at the end people will know me more and I will know them more. And I am the one, who refuse to take the step, refuse to move forward, refuse to accept the chance. And all may because of my 自尊. Instead, I can choose to take it, or try to be proactively get into the group, because, the second dream tells me, at the end, I do want to be in the group, I do want to engage with people. It’s not true that I am 不屑. The grapes are sour only because I do not want to put down myself to get them.

It’s so true, about me. And, it’s so hard, to face and accept this weakness. Guess I really need to work it out.

I thought about the church, I thought about Francis Yu, I thought about people from the church… I guess, that’s what have been happening all these years.