Try hard

I am surely very sentimental these few days. I blame my tummy. Not just sentimental, also a bit more sensitive, protective and reactive. I am afraid I am going back to who I was, so when Nick said once kl said to him I always think weird things and always answer questions that are not to me, I cried. Not because I felt Nick scold me, he was in a very flat tone. I just felt guilty, and worried that I am going backwards, going back to who I was. I do not want people dislike me any more, or, I do not want to think "people dislike me" any more. I worry that things will fall apart again one day if I go backwards.

I do not want to. So I am not trying to let myself split into two again and so I am not hiding these feelings, which I normally put in my secret blog in the past. I think and am going to rectify in some ways. I keep reminding myself people love me. People around me love me. Sometimes I really have difficulty remembering and believing this, but I am forcing myself a little bit here.

This is the first time I feel the effect after I have dropped citalopram. The key is to not let the negative thinkings keep developing uncontrollably. The first time I feel this is difficult and unfortunately I have to deal with it myself. It's not something anyone can help. No one should do anything extra to help either because I have to deal with this in totally normal situations with normal relationships with people.

I just want him to know I have been trying, and have been trying hard. I am trying hard to be a good girl.