Just let it be

It's damn hard. I said, if mine and Caelum's life are what they want, to prove that I didn't do a thing wrong, just say it.

Sometimes I do not know whether I should care, or I shouldn't. However that really bothers me and now getting too close to my limit.

Too close that started to worry the rational part of myself. I know so well what that means.

I can't see a way out. Maybe I need to convince myself that I do not need a way out. I can just ignore it, forget about it, keep living my own life here.

At least the one I love surely loves me. Do I really need everyone's understanding and trust? Can I just let them say whatever, believe and blame me for things I haven't done at all, spread whatever they took as "the truth"?

Don't worry too much. I will be fine. Just let me say whatever here for I believe they won't see these. I hope I am safe here, in my castle, my little piece of land.

I don't want to speak to a hole on a wall then covered the hole.

Reasons

Regarding the right, politically correct reasons, this morning I had a second thought.
Sad, depressed,  distressed, melancholy, sorrow, despondent, despairing… all these emotions are very complex indeed. What are the reasons for one to these emotions? Which reasons are right and politically correct and which are wrong? What are the reasons people should be expecting?
If I am limiting my mind to believe only some of these reasons are the right one, isn’t that too harsh to myself and also to others? Isn’t that too judgemental for something that can be so complicated? Moreover, can I really understand and dig out what are the reasons? Or am I just assuming what the reasons are or are not?
Am I being too inhuman to myself sometimes?
I feel much better today. Thinking is a serious, necessary but dangerous process.

Think to cope

Mors certa, hora incerta - death certain, hour uncertain. Things come when they have to come. When is the right time, and when is the wrong time? We don't know, we can't tell. One day we may know, maybe after 10 years, maybe after 30, maybe after 50, maybe till the day we meet our Lord, maybe never.

Vita aeterna - the life everlasting: I cannot grasp the meaning of this, still can't. To me it is not so important, yet it is an important thing. Sometimes I imagine people understand this in the way that comforts them.

Heart is beating fast this whole morning, pulse rate up at the 130 level. Not sure why and I believe it's not normal. Caelum is a bit restless too, usually he is quite quiet during morning to midday.

Reality kicks in

Finally, I feel it more real, when he finally cried in front of me. I always need the trigger. Still in my head figuring out all the emotions, the words that describe the feelings.

It's such a difficult thing, I mean this whole thing that he has to face. How can I make it easier for him? I don't know, and for some how I do not believe there is any way to make it easier. Deep inside I do not think anyone should make this easier too because it is meant to be a difficult thing.

Yet I am there to sort out the logistics for him, e.g. Plane, time off, clothing, other people's concerns etc. Someone has to do it. No point for everyone crying and sitting there without sorting the necessities out. So I will do this for him, for them.

Hardest time for my little-prince

I can feel his pain and sadness, and I really care a lot, yet I am also disappointed by myself for the fact that I think I am not sad enough. It’s the same thing when I knew my grandma passed away in HK while I was here in NZ: I couldn’t really feel it until a lot later, after half a year. This time I guess I will feel the reality of death much sooner since I will be experiencing it. Till then, I cannot say I am very very sad, I just… can’t. I think I should, and I know I should, but I just can’t. Sometimes I wonder am I just slow or actually sociopathic. I hate myself for this, I really, hate myself, such a terrible person. Why my sad and sorrow emotions always kick in too slow?

For sure this whole thing is not about me, but my mind keep questioning my heart.

This is definitely one of the hardest things - if not the hardest - in his life. I am not sure how to handle it so I prayed that at time I cannot comfort him or understand his sadness God will be with him, comfort him and listen to him. Realising how useless I am doesn’t help the situation, but at least I can ask God to help.

I hope I can do better for him.

Wondering

Sometimes I still wonder why and how come I am pregnant. It's not a negative thought, I just wonder, and find it interesting. Why would someone like me have decided to have kid? How did the juries in my heart come to this verdict? It's very interesting, very.

So how our lives will be transformed by the arrival of Caelum? I know for sure there will be heaps of changes but I cannot predict the quantity. Good or bad? Easy or hard?

All I know for sure now is that my brain is going to run slower because it already does at the moment. :(

靚仔 VS 乸型

我：男仔唔駛太靚仔嘅。
媽：我先唔鍾意靚仔呀，咁乸型。
我：靚仔唔一定乸型嘅，陳冠希靚唔靚仔吖？
媽：我唔鍾意嗰類型。
我：謝霆鋒覯唔靚仔吖？
媽：我都唔鍾意嗰類型。
爸：（洗碗中，插嘴）你駛乜用嗰啲做examples啫！

我和媽看着他。

爸：你睇下我靚唔靚仔！你睇下我乸唔乸型！？

全家爆笑。

眾說紛云

到底阿柏芝同阿霆鋒會唔會離婚，雖是城中熱話但仍係未知之數，不過係人都講到好似係自己啲親戚朋友離婚咁，連電台某節目於上星期都花咗啲時間喺空氣中同大家討論討論，仲非常多聽眾打電話去發表個人意見云云，分分鐘有討論價值過曾特首僭建。

記得威廉王子的世紀婚禮前後，老爸老媽都好知識豐富，對新人幾時識、幾時拍拖、幾時分過手、大學讀咩系、轉過咩科。。。大大小小嘅事都噏得出。我嗰時就笑話：「你哋個friend呀？定係鄰居呀？咁熟嘅？！」而家聽到電台啲聽眾講柏芝同霆鋒講到好似自己親戚朋友（首先，連姓都唔叫，friend到咁！），諗吓都真係覺得幾有趣。唔係話咩丫，隨時自己啲朋友離婚都無跟料跟得咁貼，亦都唔會analyse咁多，有咁多意見。

社會可能真係需要哩啲topic，減壓減壓。

毋寧死

周慧敏有一首舊歌「愛你多過愛他」，裡面有一句歌詞說「若沒有你毋寧死吧」，適逢一星期前是陸肆，我想起那時一句「不自由，毋寧死」。

失去一個男人毋寧死抑是不自由毋寧死高尚一點，我竟內心有點為難，不知該怎下判斷。若是套以前的故事內容，兒女私情在自由面前該是要給比下去的。早十年我可能會理直氣壯的說爲男人又哪及得上爲自由；這幾年卻想多了許多。到底爭取自由的有多少個明白自由，有多少個不自由真的毋寧死，有多少個在強硬的表態中真的不是出於個人崇拜？至少為愛情毋寧死的人，還真的清楚是為愛情。

或者我變得沒大志，竟拿男人和自由相比。

Good news

Read a very exciting news from an e-mail this morning which lighted up my day. Finally, yes, finally. We have been worrying about them for years. Sometimes they are good, sometimes it seems bad, but finally things are going to settle. Oh man, this is so great! Oh the more I think about it the better it seems to be.  I am already excited about it.

真偽

昨晚。。。不，今晨，我造了一個夢。其實一夜又何止造一個記得的夢那麼少，只是今天特別記起這一個而已。夢裡我相信了別人的話，認為是真的，故此有點傷感。那是到醒了還使我猶豫的一種相信，是到醒了還帶着淡淡的失落的一種傷感。很少在夢中信以為真到這種程度，所以特別記得吧。