I, me and myself

Wondering how many "I" have been used in the last post. Obviously that was a post about I, me and myself. Haha. 

Not feeling guilty about such a self-oriented post though because it wasn't one base on my selfish thoughts. The world no longer revolves around me.

It never was. Just a fact that I didn't realise earlier.

Transformer (+ the transforming sound)

A lot of people worry about eating this and that for health safety, while I am a bit worry about stop "eating" Citalopram. I have stopped this for a few weeks already and up to now I think I am fine. Few weeks ago I stopped merely because I couldn't find the meds, then GP told me to stop when I received a confirmation. Although Dr. J said it's safe, I still didn't continue. 

Read other people's experiences online, many have to start taking them again because they cannot fight the monster themselves. I am a little bit worry, but honestly not too much. I am not saying I am better, but I think I have transformed.

I think the changes I had experienced were deep down in the soul and thoughts, ergo I have been doing alright in the past few months. I believe it wasn't the Citalopram's job anymore in the later times. I am truly a happier and positive thinking girl now. It's true that occasionally I feel troubled and not wanting to deal with something, but I believe every normal single person faces similar thing from day to day. The key is the way to solve it, to see it, even just put it aside for a short while.

"And you can see people love you right?" I keep doing this self-check. I know if one day again I started to feel people don't love me and rather I didn't exist, then it would be the sign of things are going out of control again. Up till now I think I am fine, I know I am loved and accepted. People around care and happy and worry and sad for me truthfully, not just being polite externally.

Last night I was with a big group of people again. I feel 100% comfortable and I am pretty sure I know myself is part of them. There was nothing wrong with my existence. I was like everyone else. There was no separation and division. And I was happy, truly, not empty inside but act happy outside. I can feel that I am a normal person, so this is me. 

I think Candy has done a really good job here.

Thank God for transformed and keep transforming me. 

烈日當下，午後散步

二時許，帶著藍綠色的大草帽，噴了防曬霧劑，便一個人出去散步。說是散步，我也盡量步行得較快一點，才不是慢吞吞的看風景遊。

天氣真的很好，不在室外的話大概是浪費了。

So who stole the moon?

No moon tonight, only rain, rain, and rain. so who stole the moon tonight?

雨下的聲音很大，感覺上量很多很多。明天還會下雨嗎？

Exercising

Exercise is a must in graviditate - as all the sources say. Therefore I have started walking (during work time, just 15 mins walk down to Ellerslie main street), and started to do some mild Wii Fit exercises again. This morning I woke up early, so I started the day with 17 mins of Wii Fit exercises, then came to work.

Had an OK sleep last night, finally. Guess exercises help a bit too. Also I read part of my book last night for an hour when hubby and the guys were playing basketball. I have stopped gaming for infanti, and started eating healthy.

Yesterday I bought a notebook so i can write down whatever at anytime about me graviditate.

***

I am experiencing some minor cramps. Apparently, it's normal. Honestly, Timeo ne abortio. Apparently is is not something unusual. Hope people who know about my fear can pray for us.

***

By the way, so called Week 4 at the moment. So by week 9, he/she will look more like a human.

Who Stole the Moon?

Yes! I have changed the skin again! This background picture is from vladstudio, my favourite digital artist. I bought the children book “Who Stole The Moon?” which he did the illustrations.

The Fox and the Moon from vladstudio

No, this boy here, is not the Firefox!

Somnus malus

Demanded some sleep very early at night but woke up in the midnight and couldn't go back to sleep easily. Maybe because I am too cautious when I was sleeping, overly cautious. I guess I am still getting used to it. Laxare debeo.

I have started talking to him/her already, although I know it's too early!

***

By the way, this is the only period of time I can eat a lot and do not have to worry about being fat and ugly - coz I will be fat and ugly anyway! haha...

Healthy walk

Went for a healthy walk in the middle of the day because I should not face the monitor all the time and need some mild exercise. So I walked down to the Ellerslie main street, all the way to the end of the road, passed through all the shops.

Crossed the road at the end to return to the office. The sun was shining and the weather was very warm. I had myself some good time.

Saw a pretty butterfly.

Cherry Chomper

Mum wants me to eat cherries, which I usually do not prefer. I do not dislike them, but I just don’t prefer eating them. In order to make myself eat cherries more happily, I have bought this magic Cherry Chomper. “I pit cherries,” it says. The only issue is some of the cherries dad bought are way too big for it’s mouth!

This is definitely a tool for lazy people like me. Well, and it’s cute! Hope this can help cherry eating becomes more interesting!

肉緊

留意身邊的人的反應，那「肉緊」程度，就知道自己被很多人非常非常地愛著。以前我總覺得自己是可有可無的存在，相比下更多人不想見到我，所以很小事就會使我形成「他們不喜歡我」的想法。現在回想那時是我太敏感了，那樣想也其實對不起愛我的人們。

九時許，已經想睡。

我快變成大食懶的wombat了。

好想看完那本書，不夠精神。

Infans sanctificabo

It is confirmed yesterday the 24th! I have to admire my own sixth sense on this one, haha, just joking. I believe it's God that plant the message in my mind and letting me know that early. On Sunday the 23rd, during Sunday service, Deum dixi ut hoc infans sanctificaturus esse. Yes, it's true, that was before the confirmation. So I guess, it's all designed and decided, everything is part of the plan.

So let's keep an eye and see how this is going to be done.

left: Monday morning - tested in the office,

right: Monday afternoon - tested in Fr. Fung's clinic

Gravida sum

It's one of those days that I ought to write a blog entry yet lacking a constructive mind. What have I done today? Went to pharmacy, went to work, went to a doctor appointment, called my parents, woke up my best friend in HK with overseas phone call, went back to work, went home, started making some craft, went to my parents for dinner, asked a best friend a favour, went to a best friend home to look at her wedding invitation card, called a best friend in HK at her place, went home, showered, brushed my teeth. Now in bed.

I am happy, and I hope everyone who has known my happiness is happy too.

Esse aut non esse

Enim it has been expected sed hasn't appeared yet. Things in this world happen in similar fashion most of the time, ergo I am surprised not. Per diem hoc in animo habeo sed nihil fuit. I am trying to be patient. Should sleep, et another day will come. 

Esse aut non esse: to be, or not to be. 

+-+-+-+-+-

到底是一個「+」還是一個「-」？既然說會非常清楚，該沒有這疑問，然而猶豫仍是未如預期地出現了，形成海市蜃樓般的迷惑。就只是一個符號，本該是我的totem，卻反而增加了詭異。

或者我該有點耐性，因為我是註定會離開這片詭異的，只是要等適當的時間，只是我太心急了。或者我應該不思進取地靜靜的、冷冷的坐在一邊等待。那是誰都要經過的事情，無論我有沒有清晰的、決定性的totem。

如果那是一個「+」，如果我擁有了青豆所擁有的，又如何？

Die Hoffnung

我開始聯想這個可能：我擁有了青豆所擁有的。

其實應該不會，只是今早起來，我突然這樣想。沒有甚麼證據，也沒有甚麼原因，只是突然這樣想。

當然，不是真的，我只是突然這樣想而已。

Summer time Flash test

Yesterday Nick and I went out to test his new flash light, which was the Christmas present I bought for him. I always wanted to do some stupid modelling. As I said I always thought I was ugly and lacked of self confidence (when it’s something to do with self-image), so I am now trying to boost up my self-image by saying myself is pretty and taking pretty pictures, hahaha!

Nick has put some of the photos on facebook already. However I like weird tuning of colours, so I have done my own tuning on some of the photos.

Of course, I have paid for Adobe CS5 Master Suite, so we have to play more!

   

無題 XI

許久以前，我愛上了一個女孩子。

那是我還沒看過真的貓頭鷹的時候。

女孩眼睛不大，但會說話，生動靈活。記不清楚樣子是怎樣，只記得她的笑容和說話的溫度。或者因為我很靜，不常笑，所以特別喜歡那笑靨，那喜悅的心情竟遮蓋了其他的記憶。

這樣歡樂的外表，有著脆弱的心靈，有時眼睛不經意訴說著一點孤僻和倔強。從遠處看見她，就有一種憐恤的感覺。

結果我就這樣在遠處愛上了她。

不幸福的愛情的實戰經驗

Madning Shek「一段幸福的愛情，可能會把你寵壞 ; 一段不幸福的愛情，卻能讓你變成更好的人。願大家都能變得更好。」 --- 王文華
Jacqualine Chow 一段不幸福的愛情，可能力會先殺死你，就算殺你唔死都傷到你貼地，仲唔guarantee你一定會變好！
Madning Shek 莫師奶，你都無實戰經驗，唔好危言聳聽啦～
Jacqualine Chow 咩無呀，我試過暗戀同明戀人都失敗㗎！好傷㗎～
Madning Shek 幼稚園同小學o既事唔算啦pls...
Jacqualine Chow 咩呀，我嘅感情生活一直都好豐富㗎，到中學都仲有鍾意男仔㗎。。。
Madning Shek 我知我知... 但來來去去咪又係你老公個名... (雖然我隱約都記得有個叫K先生o既配角...）

******************************

首先我要澄清，K先生係有兩個嘅，英文名一樣，難怪我對哩個英文名有少許感冒，好多時逃避用哩個名稱呼其他我識又同名嘅人。

-----

一段不幸福的愛情，能使人變得更好嗎？我不太相信。如果能從一段不幸福的愛情裡得出更好來，那人本身大概是個頗正面的人。若是我這種人的話，大概只能在不幸福的愛情中得出非常黑暗的結果。或者會罩著濃密的瘴氣使自己和身邊所有人覺得很沉重、很不好、更不好。

一段不幸福的愛情，大概真的先會殺了我。

-----

講番啲無謂嘢，係呀，我以前感情生活好豐富㗎，永遠都係徘徊喺暗戀同明戀之間，又扮無嘢，扮唔鍾意。無計，我真係好怕醜（只限愛情），要我同人表白先，我真係做唔到。

其實，咁都算係幸福嘅愛情丫。

無題 X

許久以前，我愛上了一個男孩子。

那是我還熱衷於亞特蘭提斯的時候。

男孩不漂亮，表情也不生動。眼睛、耳朵、雙唇、鼻子、臉型、髮型。。。都毫不起眼，湊合一起成了一臉普通性，或者在有點要求的人眼中還會說是醜。是走在街上不會有任何特徵吸引視線的類型。

這樣平凡的外表，有著令人覺得溫暖的靈魂。從眼睛透出來的熱度，反映著男孩對生命的感情。一舉手，一投足，既安靜亦帶著朝陽的氣味。從遠處看見他，就有一種平安的感覺。

結果我就這樣在遠處愛上了他。

未算夜深

十一時未至，還不算夜深，我卻已臥在床上，關了燈。漆黑裏電話的光成了唯一的照明，耳邊傳來抽風系統那氣體流動的聲音，偶爾夾雜著外邊有車子經過的證明。輪胎與地面接觸、磨擦。

這幾晚的睡眠狀況實在談不上好。造奇怪的夢，睡得很淺。天氣已經不是很炎熱了，所以只能想成是因為我有莫名其妙的顧慮。

現在是十一時十分，依然未算夜深。

天吾、時間、我、貓之村

        不，還沒有看完。最近頸膊痛，看久了書，想嘔。看到一半，突然有很特異的感覺：成長了的天吾好像他。又或者是他很像天吾，其實我搞不清楚。

        對上看第二本是多久以前的事呢？大概是一年前吧。那時我的人生甚是灰暗，完全沒有方向，沒有目標，也不知道該如何生存下去。
        如驚弓之鳥的時候，凡事小心翼翼，神經質並敏感。
        也沒有繫好安全帶。
        那時他跟我解釋了許多，我不明白，只是追問。他說不說明就不懂的事，是怎麼說明都不會懂的事。當時這一個結論本身，在我以言也是「不說明就不懂的事」。
        現在我想我懂了。不用說明。

        然而那已是隔了一年之久的過去，無論時間是不是直線，還是和這一刻的我們有著不能忽視的距離。當每一天都是一樣的時候，或者我們不能看見那罅隙；這天卻和那些時候多麼的不同，變的速度如魚的新鮮度般。我想對那分別漠不關心，也是不能。

        這一年的分隔造就了些甚麼呢？大概是我成為一個真實的人了，再沒有困擾於自己和自己製造的形象之間。我認識了我是誰，我是一個怎樣的人，我不是一個怎樣的人，我的愛，我的恨。

        雖然時而靜下來，一個人，還是有一點迷惑。但我繫好了安全帶。

        為甚麼以前沒有這種感覺，看到這裡，卻突然覺得這個人和天吾好像呢？想了一會，不得要領。或者感覺有時無從稽考，尤其是要抓著這種突如其來侵襲的感覺，猶在瀑布流處握住一絲水串，要執行的話只能說是多此一舉。
        不禁繼續聯想下去：他是從貓之村回來了，還是回到了貓之村？我竟然覺得是後者。我竟然擔心他從此搭不上電車。為甚麼呢？我以為我應該覺得是前者。我以為我應該覺得他已搭上了電車離開了貓之村回到了原站下了車。

        竟然不是想像中分得那麼清楚，像理智與感情，像躲避與纏繞，像愛與恨。

In bed - random thoughts

Can't sleep, it's very warm tonight, too warm. Left my book at work, so I can't read even though I really want to read now. Therefore in bed I am, trying to fight the heat and fall asleep.

You know, nothing in the world remains at the same size when everyone in the world is sleeping.

You know, everything has only the exterior you can see, not the interior you cannot see.

You know, everything in the world is shrinking at the same speed by the same ratio all the time.

You know, the red in your head, is actually the same as the blue in my mind.

You know, there are little green men in another dimension which we can never reach.

You know, from the last moment we have entered one of the alternate worlds.

Now tell me I am wrong in everything and I should go to sleep.

起名字

談起給孩子起名字。其實這個話題我們已談了十年，因為我很喜歡設想名字。想過的名字有許多，男女都有，但更多是比較中性的名字，因為我喜歡。

名字是非常重要的東西。父母為兒女起名，帶著對孩子的期望，是在未出世以先就表達了的愛。由於我是一個咬文嚼字的人，自然更花心思去想這些事情。有時候一個人空閒時也會在腦裡把字拼拼湊湊，想些好名字，也算是娛樂。

媽媽給我起名「周知喬」，也包含了她的期望和愛。「知」古時通「智」，代表她希望我聰明；「喬」則是高大的意思。雖然我只有小聰明又不甚高大，但至少可見她的想法。「周知祈」和我的名字一對同出，乃是知道要祈禱和感恩的意思。

所以我也要幫我的孩子 - 有的話 - 改個有意思的名字。

Random Blah

• Little Prince is back today.
• Back to work tomorrow, sad, no more holiday.
• Four new people starting in our team tomorrow on the 10th.
• Got some new fabrics.
• Got the complete set of books.
• BBQ last night was good. Tiffany's house was so nice! Very pretty and well decorated, with two very big Christmas trees and nice furnitures.
• Some feelings, when they are there, you struggle; when they are gone, you miss them.
• I am a happier girl now, I know I am.
• It's hard to stop thinking even though I don't mind.
• I don't want to sleep.
• I should start reading the last book tomorrow.
• Pain in my shoulders.
• Something in my mind.
• In the past I'd say "Love and Hate", now I say "Love and Life".
• What is in your mind?

浪漫

坐在Tiffany家的客廳裡，看着張學友的＜Private Corner＞迷你演唱會，身邊有Rebecca媽媽抱着Charis囡囡和Jas，微弱的燈光下還有閃動的聖誕樹燈泡，落地窗外有人在燒烤。。。大致上也算是浪漫。

一笑而過

依然小病在身，今早十時半收爸爸電話才起床。

昨晚。。。有點奇怪的感覺。可能人家真的生氣了，哈哈。沒辦法啦，兩星期前已約好，怎料當天才收到風說不想人知道，太遲了嘛。其實師父一早就說人家會嬲的了，我也真的有點擔心，駕車沿途想好了怎樣解釋好，結果都沒有用得上啦。也有可能只是我太敏感吧，須知我一向過份自我中心，連有甚麼都總覺得人家全都生我的氣。自知道了自己是這樣的人，許多時我也沒甚麼感覺了呢，一笑而過。

哎，出去飲茶了～

原來過得很快樂

從某人家駕車回家途中，我的腦裡只充斥了這一首歌。想了許久，左聽右聽，還是決定放楊千嬅的版本，放棄黃耀明的版本。

對，今晚，這是唯一在我腦內盤旋的。

今天應該很高興

二零一一年一月一日，今天身體略有不適，但好醜也過了這年的第一天。想了好一會，該回顧上一發生過甚麼事情嗎？然而沒甚麼是我已經淡忘了的，那既然沒有淡忘的就不必回顧了。一切的經驗和感覺都記憶猶新，只是從中我成長了，學習了，改變了。這是我成長得最多最顯著的一年 - 至少我這樣認為。

新一年會如何，我不知道。其實年與年的轉接交替時刻，並沒有神奇之處，和其他的日復一日一樣。人不會因為是一年之始突然變得不同；就算是立志，也不是一踏進零晨十二時就會自動成就的事情。所以我對所謂新一年沒特別期望，也對自己沒特別要求。你可以理解為我懶惰頹廢，但至少我不再是沒意義沒心情的懶惰頹廢，只是隨意隨性而已。

還有半小時這年度的第一天就要完結了。

今天應該很高興。

我獨自望舊照片 追憶記往年
我默默地又再寫 彷彿相見
多麼多麼的高興
多麼多麼的溫暖
快樂人共並肩
今天應該很高興
今天應該很溫暖
只要願幻想彼此仍在面前