A friend of mine is always depress and upset recently. Well, surprise, surprise. I thought depress and upset were my trademarked traits. Although we may have similar thoughts and question towards life, the ways we used to resolve depressing moments are quite different.
She is one of those warm loving type, who requires love and care and support and cry and discussion about the problems and sadness. I am one of those cold thinking type, who require time to hide in my nutshell to think through my own problems and sadness and look inner for resolutions. I don't like people ask about what is happening with me, and I don't like people trying to find a way to help me. Basically I reject all kinds of love or care or support or cry or interpersonal discussions. The best for me is not to treat me differently.
I guess the warm loving type is better and can survive natural selection and sexual selection. At least people around can show their care and love and support to that person. I also believe once a problem or moment of sadness has been discussed then its negative power is instantly reduced by half. Say things out is probably really better than hide things in heart. Well, unfortunately this is so not-me. Therefore I talk to myself and my imaginary friend to analyse my problems and sadness in order to come to an end. It usually works, though the process sometimes can take months.
People say if one can be happy, one would not want to be sad. I may not be able to agree to this completely. It's true that I enjoy melancholy. Actually, sincerely, I think melancholy is a necessary component in my life and I never want to get rid of it.
Be happy, and be sad. This is how one can reflect one's life, I think.
27 August 2008
Not against
By the way, I am not against China, and I am happy that I am a Chinese. Not particularly proud, actually I won't be particularly proud no matter what ethnicity group I belongs to. I don't understand why some people would be proud because they belong to certain ethnicity group. We are just human being with different skin colours, hair colours, language, culture... nothing to be particularly proud or shame of.
I am just a bit annoyed when people cannot accept the facts, choose to ignore all these problems, all these world indexes and statistics (and claiming they are just statistics), and try to put China in an unreasonably high position at the same time pressing down other nations or cultures. Actually, I love Chinese culture (well I love all sorts of cultural stuff anyway), arts, paintings, musics, drama, calligraphy, technology... I think they are very very elegant. These do not make nowadays China more civilized than anyone else in the world though.
For the same reason, I dislike Shiner's idea, that only Western concept of arts from the 18th century is called "Arts", i.e. there was no Arts before 18th century Western world and everybody else in the world who acquire Arts after that get the idea from the Western. Just sounds crap to me. Sorry Larry Shiner, if I have misunderstood what you mean.
I am just a bit annoyed when people cannot accept the facts, choose to ignore all these problems, all these world indexes and statistics (and claiming they are just statistics), and try to put China in an unreasonably high position at the same time pressing down other nations or cultures. Actually, I love Chinese culture (well I love all sorts of cultural stuff anyway), arts, paintings, musics, drama, calligraphy, technology... I think they are very very elegant. These do not make nowadays China more civilized than anyone else in the world though.
For the same reason, I dislike Shiner's idea, that only Western concept of arts from the 18th century is called "Arts", i.e. there was no Arts before 18th century Western world and everybody else in the world who acquire Arts after that get the idea from the Western. Just sounds crap to me. Sorry Larry Shiner, if I have misunderstood what you mean.
What about a Civilized Country?
Forget about civilized/uncivilized people, let's move our focus to country. So what is civilized in the context of country/nation? More devloped? More technological advanced? People are happier? Poverty rate? Level of equality/inequality?
If we talk about developed country, sorry that China is still secondary emerging - ya, not even advanced emrging. Putting a lot of money in military does not make the nation more civilized unfortunately.
If we talk about poverty, China's Human Poverty Index (HDI) is 0.777. Brazil is 0.800, New Zealand is 0.943, US is 0.951, Iceland and Norway are 0.968. I can't say China is more civilized if poverty is what we are measuring.
If we talk about happiness, let's use Quality of Life Index. China's rating is 6.084. Brazil is 6.470, Hong Kong is 7.374, New Zealand is 7.436, US is 7.615, Iceland is 7.911, Ireland is 8.333. This index measures against health, family life, community life, material well being, political stability and security, climate and geography, job security, political freedom, and gender equality (accoridng to the amazing Wikipedia again). I would say China is better than the rest of the world in none of the above.
What about something different, like corruption rate? Let's talk about Corruption Perceptions Index (CPI). 3.5 for China, 7.2 for US, 8.3 for Hong Kong, 9.4 for New Zealand, Demark and Finland.
So, in what way China may be a more civilized country? You tell me.
If we talk about developed country, sorry that China is still secondary emerging - ya, not even advanced emrging. Putting a lot of money in military does not make the nation more civilized unfortunately.
If we talk about poverty, China's Human Poverty Index (HDI) is 0.777. Brazil is 0.800, New Zealand is 0.943, US is 0.951, Iceland and Norway are 0.968. I can't say China is more civilized if poverty is what we are measuring.
If we talk about happiness, let's use Quality of Life Index. China's rating is 6.084. Brazil is 6.470, Hong Kong is 7.374, New Zealand is 7.436, US is 7.615, Iceland is 7.911, Ireland is 8.333. This index measures against health, family life, community life, material well being, political stability and security, climate and geography, job security, political freedom, and gender equality (accoridng to the amazing Wikipedia again). I would say China is better than the rest of the world in none of the above.
What about something different, like corruption rate? Let's talk about Corruption Perceptions Index (CPI). 3.5 for China, 7.2 for US, 8.3 for Hong Kong, 9.4 for New Zealand, Demark and Finland.
So, in what way China may be a more civilized country? You tell me.
If civilized, then talk civilized
I had some sort of argument with some people today around "civilized" and "uncivilized". It is sad to see how ignorant some people are. People said ethnic groups that eat with their hands are uncivilized regardless that's part of their culture - actually, the argument goes "since it is part of the culture, therefore they are not civilized". People said Chinese invented chopsticks, which require difficult theory of energy behind, so Chinese is more civilized. People even said Chinese has a more civilized gene, what a piece of crap. I said I don't think Chinese is more civilized in anyway, then people said we had all those history and full of inventions; I said that's the past and I cannot see why Chinese is more civilized now, people said it's all because many years ago government did this and that and therefore a lot of people are not educated now, but still couldn't deny Chinese is just not more civilized than the others.
Piece of crap! Ignorant and naive.
You can say a civilization is more advance, but it is not necessary tiding to how civilize the people are. People maybe more (or less) civilized because of culture, education, experience, etc, but it has nothing to do with gene - plus, where the heck in the mind would "Chinese are more civilized" possibly come from? I honestly don't have a single clue. Of coz, I have civilized Chinese friends, actually, I don't have uncivilized Chinese friends, but none of my friends are uncivilized anyway! Yes, I have more Chinese friends. Since all my friend are civilized, and I have more Chinese friends than friends from other ethnicities, can I conclude that Chinese are more civilized? Even with my pathetic logic sense I can tell this is completely screwed.
Actually I was quite angry. People just have no idea what are they talking about.
Piece of crap! Ignorant and naive.
You can say a civilization is more advance, but it is not necessary tiding to how civilize the people are. People maybe more (or less) civilized because of culture, education, experience, etc, but it has nothing to do with gene - plus, where the heck in the mind would "Chinese are more civilized" possibly come from? I honestly don't have a single clue. Of coz, I have civilized Chinese friends, actually, I don't have uncivilized Chinese friends, but none of my friends are uncivilized anyway! Yes, I have more Chinese friends. Since all my friend are civilized, and I have more Chinese friends than friends from other ethnicities, can I conclude that Chinese are more civilized? Even with my pathetic logic sense I can tell this is completely screwed.
Actually I was quite angry. People just have no idea what are they talking about.
26 August 2008
Invitations
I have invited four of my friends (plus 2 boyfriends so in total of 6) to the evangelical event that Nicholas' church is going to hold on the 12th of September 2008. To be honest I am not a big fan of evangelical events due to my traditional background, however this is a good one. Also, different types of medium suit different people, and seeing changes in Jason's life made me believe that evangelical events would work in some aspect for some people. So, let's see what is going to hapen, at least I had moved my first step. I will keep praying for this, and leave the rest to him.
Sincerely, inviting people to this kind of event is not easy for myself as well. Not that I don't want to do anything for him (although I do struggle between laziness and responsibilities), it's just because this is very "not-me" - as I am a little bit anti-social, you know.
Anyway, will wait and see.
Sincerely, inviting people to this kind of event is not easy for myself as well. Not that I don't want to do anything for him (although I do struggle between laziness and responsibilities), it's just because this is very "not-me" - as I am a little bit anti-social, you know.
Anyway, will wait and see.
25 August 2008
Lucid Dream
Talking about intrapersonal communications, Wikipedia identified Lucid Dreaming is one of the kind. Wow, I didn't know that these are called "Lucid Dreams". There is a name for this kind of dreams! Apparently it is not a common thing and some people do try to get into a lucid dream intentionally. Strangely, at least half of my dreams are lucid dreams. Other than lucid dreams, I also have false awakening very very often. There is once I experienced successive false awakenings, similar to what a French psychologist Yves Delage and a British philosopher Bertrand Russell had experienced before (according to Wikipedia).
Go back to lucid dream. Half of the time I am quite clear that myself is dreaming, and I would make changes to dreams intentionally if I have to. For example the murder dream I had several days ago. I rewind my dream to the time before I killed the girl once I failed to think of a way to hide my Jane Doe. Later I was not satisfied with the dream again, and once again I rewind and change the story.
Our brains are so interesting. I wonder why would I have lucid dreams and false awakening that often.
Go back to lucid dream. Half of the time I am quite clear that myself is dreaming, and I would make changes to dreams intentionally if I have to. For example the murder dream I had several days ago. I rewind my dream to the time before I killed the girl once I failed to think of a way to hide my Jane Doe. Later I was not satisfied with the dream again, and once again I rewind and change the story.
Our brains are so interesting. I wonder why would I have lucid dreams and false awakening that often.
Imaginary Friend (3)
This is the first time I realised that imaginary friend or imaginary companion is not a common phenomenon. I was truly surprised. I thought it's common, so I said I thought most people had imaginary friends when they were young. Then people around told me that is not the case, except Nixon, who said he had imaginary friend when he was a child as well. I was so shocked, and felt a bit embarrassed because I seemed to be the minority.
The more tricky bit is, I always have imaginary friend(s) and I am quite clear about my current imaginary friend. I often talk to and get advises from him. In the process of discussing or debating with him, I change my perspectives and get more understanding, and ultimately may compromise my own conflicts and be comforted.
I wanted to say "I clearly know he is not real", but this is a little bit tricky too. He is based on a real person. His face, his basic characteristics. However I probably added all sorts of imagination around his personality. Things that my imaginary friend said are only things that my imaginary friend would say. It has nothing to do with the real person. The only thing I have stolen were the face and basic personality characteristics. The tricky part happens when I am facing the real person, sometimes my impressions are confused. I forgot what parts of the personality were added by myself, so I don't know what to expect from the real person.
Another thing I found when I inspected myself is I do a lot of self-talk. Previously I thought it is okay to talk to oneself, actually, nearly everybody does talk to themselves sometimes at some stage. It's all about the quantity and frequency and the way intrapersonal communication take place and what is the content and when it take place...etc. Now I am a bit uncertain how normal I am in this aspect. Is it okay if I tell you that I am talking to myself all the time, actually, continuously, except when I am talking to other people, or my imaginary friend? Is it okay? Is it what everyone else is doing as well?
The more tricky bit is, I always have imaginary friend(s) and I am quite clear about my current imaginary friend. I often talk to and get advises from him. In the process of discussing or debating with him, I change my perspectives and get more understanding, and ultimately may compromise my own conflicts and be comforted.
I wanted to say "I clearly know he is not real", but this is a little bit tricky too. He is based on a real person. His face, his basic characteristics. However I probably added all sorts of imagination around his personality. Things that my imaginary friend said are only things that my imaginary friend would say. It has nothing to do with the real person. The only thing I have stolen were the face and basic personality characteristics. The tricky part happens when I am facing the real person, sometimes my impressions are confused. I forgot what parts of the personality were added by myself, so I don't know what to expect from the real person.
Another thing I found when I inspected myself is I do a lot of self-talk. Previously I thought it is okay to talk to oneself, actually, nearly everybody does talk to themselves sometimes at some stage. It's all about the quantity and frequency and the way intrapersonal communication take place and what is the content and when it take place...etc. Now I am a bit uncertain how normal I am in this aspect. Is it okay if I tell you that I am talking to myself all the time, actually, continuously, except when I am talking to other people, or my imaginary friend? Is it okay? Is it what everyone else is doing as well?
23 August 2008
喜歡
喝了大半壺peppermint tea，把自己埋在Bar裡的沙發中，聽著身邊的朋友們在交談，我肆無忌憚的擺了位置，好整以暇地靠著沙發邊睡著了。
直到侍應來告訴我們店還有半小時就打烊了。
直到侍應來告訴我們店還有半小時就打烊了。
談什麼戀愛 無需深愛
前非都不必急於痛改
難得到你的將來 誰會覺得意外
誰人都可愛 誰也可不愛
被我喜歡的都離開
但是 沒有害
麻木的我與你暗中往來
殘酷的卻是我太喜歡戀愛
Not-Virtual Pet
我一直想養一頭Beagle，並給牠起名Snoopy。然而衡量過種種利弊後，還是放棄了這個念頭。
又一直想養一只貓，要灰色底黑色間的。然而貓兒也是要點時間照顧，再加上小王子是討厭貓之人，故此也作罷。
前時想過養一隻龜，綠色背紅色面珠的。然而龜其實是很悶的一種動物，很難有心靈的溝通，所以也沒有實行。
無奈，無奈。
又一直想養一只貓，要灰色底黑色間的。然而貓兒也是要點時間照顧，再加上小王子是討厭貓之人，故此也作罷。
前時想過養一隻龜，綠色背紅色面珠的。然而龜其實是很悶的一種動物，很難有心靈的溝通，所以也沒有實行。
無奈，無奈。
20 August 2008
Technicolor Dreamcoat
I have changed the skin of my blog again. I am satisfied.
Ning, see the mushroom photo we took from Rotorua, now it becomes the header photo of my blog. :)
Now my blog has more white than black. Is it easier to read?
Hmm hmm... really love this. Still have a bit to fix. Will leave it to tomorrow. :)
Ning, see the mushroom photo we took from Rotorua, now it becomes the header photo of my blog. :)
Now my blog has more white than black. Is it easier to read?
Hmm hmm... really love this. Still have a bit to fix. Will leave it to tomorrow. :)
19 August 2008
昨天
說一說昨天發生的事情。
昨晨一時左右，有人強行進入公司爆竊。一面玻璃大門被敲個稀爛，數道需要保安卡才能進入的門或門框也被暴力毀掉。保安人員在六分鐘內趕到現場，然而賊人已逃之夭夭，全無蹤影。
你都咪話唔勁。果然道高一尺，魔高一丈呀下。
現在，位於樓上的我在開門時覺得非常尷尬。明明門的下半部是虛的，只得一個大洞，我還是要開門出入，總有點奇怪。加上我一向開門時總是很不淑女的用腳撐著，現在下面空蕩蕩的，令人沮喪。還有，我慣了手一邊扭動門柄，右邊身就撞開門的，現在靠上了門，就聽到清脆並且兒戲的卡紙聲，你說有多尷尬呢。
除了這可怕的事情外，還有一件高興卻很感概的事情。
Moses回來紐西蘭一週，上星期和安德魯到南島去滑雪了。昨天回來公司探望我們，當然是很多話說了。看著以前他坐的位子已給人取代，我也一樣的感觸呢。他離去後，安德魯跟我說有點傷感，因為他不知何年可月才能再見Moses了。也是呢，Moses一月再回來紐西蘭時，安德魯已在英國了。我很理解，也同樣感概，安德魯走後我們也不知何年何月才能再見呢。
昨晨一時左右，有人強行進入公司爆竊。一面玻璃大門被敲個稀爛，數道需要保安卡才能進入的門或門框也被暴力毀掉。保安人員在六分鐘內趕到現場，然而賊人已逃之夭夭，全無蹤影。
你都咪話唔勁。果然道高一尺，魔高一丈呀下。
現在，位於樓上的我在開門時覺得非常尷尬。明明門的下半部是虛的，只得一個大洞，我還是要開門出入，總有點奇怪。加上我一向開門時總是很不淑女的用腳撐著，現在下面空蕩蕩的，令人沮喪。還有，我慣了手一邊扭動門柄，右邊身就撞開門的，現在靠上了門，就聽到清脆並且兒戲的卡紙聲，你說有多尷尬呢。
除了這可怕的事情外，還有一件高興卻很感概的事情。
Moses回來紐西蘭一週，上星期和安德魯到南島去滑雪了。昨天回來公司探望我們，當然是很多話說了。看著以前他坐的位子已給人取代，我也一樣的感觸呢。他離去後，安德魯跟我說有點傷感，因為他不知何年可月才能再見Moses了。也是呢，Moses一月再回來紐西蘭時，安德魯已在英國了。我很理解，也同樣感概，安德魯走後我們也不知何年何月才能再見呢。
18 August 2008
Read more, dream less
I have been so busy these days, that I found myself don't want to read at all. Everyday I go to my parents place for dinner straight from work, and as I go home and I just lie on the sofa watching Olympic. On Saturday and Sunday I did nothing meaningful, absolutely nothing. I feel like I was a piece of melting jelly, couldn't move my ass an inch to do some housework. Too lazy that, of course I didn't read a thing for ages.
All of a sudden I feel like I need to start reading again. I stopped at Canto 6 for Dante's Inferno and should definitely start again. Also, ET lent me some cute Chinese version of Narnia and I still haven't read them. So sad. I am disappointed by myself. Therefore I have to start some reading again tonight.
Lack of reading causes lack of thinking and mental energy. Things wouldn't make sense, life wouldn't be interesting. Fortunately I still have my Mediaeval Philosophy class every Thursday, which stirs some movement inside my brain. At least I am not completely drowned in the sea of work and work and work.
Shamefully, now I want to sleep. I can tell I had a bad quality sleep last night due to the fact that I had many small strange mesh-up dreams one after the other. One of the dreams was myself as a murderer who was trying to cut up my Jane Doe so I could hide bits and pieces somewhere. While I was doing my "job" (and finally got her right arm apart) in the bathroom, Nick rang my door bell. He came into the house when I opened the door. I was a bit nervous. When Nick opened part of the bathroom door, he saw the Jane Doe, but he thought someone was taking a bath. After that I quickly kicked him out of my house. Then I struggled to think of a way to hide bits and pieces of my Jane Doe before I cut her up, so I gave up in this dream, and thought of changing the cause of me making this girl into a Jane Doe. My dream then went back in time, before this girl died. At first I made his boyfriend the killer instead, but I was not satisfied with how the story developed. At last I settled in a dream that the girl argued with her boyfriend, and he tried to kill her, but then she ran away, and well, I don't know how did it end. I have to admit that I do remember who my Jane Doe was. She's someone I know in real life. She is a cute girl, much younger than me. I don't dislike her in any sort, of course. Dream is just a dream. Although she's not going to see my blog, but let me not say who she is.
Oh, I have side tracked from talking about reading.
All of a sudden I feel like I need to start reading again. I stopped at Canto 6 for Dante's Inferno and should definitely start again. Also, ET lent me some cute Chinese version of Narnia and I still haven't read them. So sad. I am disappointed by myself. Therefore I have to start some reading again tonight.
Lack of reading causes lack of thinking and mental energy. Things wouldn't make sense, life wouldn't be interesting. Fortunately I still have my Mediaeval Philosophy class every Thursday, which stirs some movement inside my brain. At least I am not completely drowned in the sea of work and work and work.
Shamefully, now I want to sleep. I can tell I had a bad quality sleep last night due to the fact that I had many small strange mesh-up dreams one after the other. One of the dreams was myself as a murderer who was trying to cut up my Jane Doe so I could hide bits and pieces somewhere. While I was doing my "job" (and finally got her right arm apart) in the bathroom, Nick rang my door bell. He came into the house when I opened the door. I was a bit nervous. When Nick opened part of the bathroom door, he saw the Jane Doe, but he thought someone was taking a bath. After that I quickly kicked him out of my house. Then I struggled to think of a way to hide bits and pieces of my Jane Doe before I cut her up, so I gave up in this dream, and thought of changing the cause of me making this girl into a Jane Doe. My dream then went back in time, before this girl died. At first I made his boyfriend the killer instead, but I was not satisfied with how the story developed. At last I settled in a dream that the girl argued with her boyfriend, and he tried to kill her, but then she ran away, and well, I don't know how did it end. I have to admit that I do remember who my Jane Doe was. She's someone I know in real life. She is a cute girl, much younger than me. I don't dislike her in any sort, of course. Dream is just a dream. Although she's not going to see my blog, but let me not say who she is.
Oh, I have side tracked from talking about reading.
17 August 2008
Same world
Seeing a name in this world, feeling being understood.
Maybe I am living in my imagination. Who's not?
Sensing a mind through this intangible connection, communicating without a word.
Maybe no one ever understand. Maybe everything is coincident.
Allow my imagination flies.
Maybe I am living in my imagination. Who's not?
Sensing a mind through this intangible connection, communicating without a word.
Maybe no one ever understand. Maybe everything is coincident.
Allow my imagination flies.
您好嗎？
說起死亡，我唯一一次看著生命一點一點的消逝，是您的離去呢。我們握著您的手，陪著你到最後一刻，除了不斷流出不捨的淚水，我們沒能為您做甚麼。找來了您特別欽點的牧師袍，您說希望離去後穿它。您走了後，我們只是相擁著再哭了一會，小王子說您走了，我說是的。
我不害怕死亡，我從不害怕死亡。只是很多的不捨，有點掛念而已。
您喜歡的黑糯米糖水，小王子依然很喜歡吃。現在他和您一樣，是一個科學家呢。當然沒您那麼厲害啦，哈哈。唱起奇異恩典，他還是很眼淺的，像在您的安息禮拜上那樣。我還沒有看您的《砂之器》，爸還買了您的《黑革記事本》，我也未看呢，說起來真有點不好意思。
我真的不害怕死亡。只是有點想您，真的。
我不害怕死亡，我從不害怕死亡。只是很多的不捨，有點掛念而已。
您喜歡的黑糯米糖水，小王子依然很喜歡吃。現在他和您一樣，是一個科學家呢。當然沒您那麼厲害啦，哈哈。唱起奇異恩典，他還是很眼淺的，像在您的安息禮拜上那樣。我還沒有看您的《砂之器》，爸還買了您的《黑革記事本》，我也未看呢，說起來真有點不好意思。
我真的不害怕死亡。只是有點想您，真的。
16 August 2008
Make your move
It is interesting.
Seeing a name on this screen is enough to make me think a lot.
A lot.
I would never be able to make the move.
Maybe I am just waiting.
Seeing a name on this screen is enough to make me think a lot.
A lot.
I would never be able to make the move.
Maybe I am just waiting.
13 August 2008
World Economy
OK, My economics sucks! I still don't understand why and how.
How can the overall money of the world increase?
I thought whenever someone become richer, there is always someone become poorer. Isn't it the case? So if the money of the world increase, isn't that mean potentially everyone can get richer? So if everyone dig out some gold from their garden, would everyone become richer? That sounds non sense to me.
Can someone explain to me how does this works? How can the whole world become poorer or become richer at one point? Where does the money go when the world become poorer? Where does the extra money come from when the world become richer? I don't understand a holistic view of the increase of world money.
Man, economics, so hard!
How can the overall money of the world increase?
I thought whenever someone become richer, there is always someone become poorer. Isn't it the case? So if the money of the world increase, isn't that mean potentially everyone can get richer? So if everyone dig out some gold from their garden, would everyone become richer? That sounds non sense to me.
Can someone explain to me how does this works? How can the whole world become poorer or become richer at one point? Where does the money go when the world become poorer? Where does the extra money come from when the world become richer? I don't understand a holistic view of the increase of world money.
Man, economics, so hard!
12 August 2008
All I Ask of You
No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears;
I'm here, nothing can harm you,
My words will warm and calm you.
Let me be your freedom,
Let daylight dry your tears;
I'm here, with you, beside you,
To guard you and to guide you.
Say you love me every waking moment,
Turn my head with talk of summertime.
Say you need me with you now and always;
Promise me that all you say is true,
That's all I ask of you.
Let me be your shelter,
Let me be your light;
You're safe, no one will find you,
Your fears are far behind you.
All I want is freedom,
A world with no more night;
And you, always beside me,
To hold me and to hide me.
Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;
Let me lead you from your solitude.
Say you need me with you, here beside you,
Anywhere you go, let me go too,
that's all I ask of you
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;
Say the word and I will follow you.
Share each day with me,
Each night, each morning.
Say you love me!
You know I do.
Love me, that's all I ask of you
Forget these wide-eyed fears;
I'm here, nothing can harm you,
My words will warm and calm you.
Let me be your freedom,
Let daylight dry your tears;
I'm here, with you, beside you,
To guard you and to guide you.
Say you love me every waking moment,
Turn my head with talk of summertime.
Say you need me with you now and always;
Promise me that all you say is true,
That's all I ask of you.
Let me be your shelter,
Let me be your light;
You're safe, no one will find you,
Your fears are far behind you.
All I want is freedom,
A world with no more night;
And you, always beside me,
To hold me and to hide me.
Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;
Let me lead you from your solitude.
Say you need me with you, here beside you,
Anywhere you go, let me go too,
that's all I ask of you
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;
Say the word and I will follow you.
Share each day with me,
Each night, each morning.
Say you love me!
You know I do.
Love me, that's all I ask of you
Love me
All I need is love.
Just let me do whatever I want. Sit there and watch me, let me show my temper and anxiety, comfort me and love me. Don't tell me what is right and what is wrong, if I am wrong, let it be.
For now, just for now.
I love you. Pat my head, allow me to feel thy love.
Why don't you understand?
I won't tell you, and I don't know how can I let you know.
All I need is love. At least, for now.
Just let me do whatever I want. Sit there and watch me, let me show my temper and anxiety, comfort me and love me. Don't tell me what is right and what is wrong, if I am wrong, let it be.
For now, just for now.
I love you. Pat my head, allow me to feel thy love.
Why don't you understand?
I won't tell you, and I don't know how can I let you know.
All I need is love. At least, for now.
11 August 2008
假若出走
想過出走。
就是隻字也不留下，走向未踏足的國度，沒有相識的人，拋下工作，也沒有互聯網。出走兩個星期，然後回來見到熟悉的你，然後發現我的思念，然後被焦急的你賞一巴掌，然後我哭起上來，然後你抱著我，然後再也無法遺忘我是如斯的幸福。
用彷彿戲裡的情節，成就我的愛與自由。
要是這樣，你會氣得頂頭冒出瘴氣來吧。
所以我沒有試探你。
就是隻字也不留下，走向未踏足的國度，沒有相識的人，拋下工作，也沒有互聯網。出走兩個星期，然後回來見到熟悉的你，然後發現我的思念，然後被焦急的你賞一巴掌，然後我哭起上來，然後你抱著我，然後再也無法遺忘我是如斯的幸福。
用彷彿戲裡的情節，成就我的愛與自由。
要是這樣，你會氣得頂頭冒出瘴氣來吧。
所以我沒有試探你。
而明明途上別了你
據說，這首歌是說一個失戀的故事。
聽著聽著，非常的感觸。
要去到天涯海角，逃避一個人，逃避一種感覺，逃避一段感情。走到哪裡，看到甚麼，都發現與記憶有所共通之處。上演的電影，喜歡喝的茶，結果也一樣。若我更走到網上的世界，即無論甚麼距離也形同虛設。我們還是在電腦的前端，看著發亮的螢光幕，看著代表對方在線的名字，思索著該不該傳送幾句文字。似是而非，我們都不知道是不是真的看到了對方，若是傳送文字也不知是不是真的被對方接收了，就是閃出了對方的回覆也不能肯定真的有一刻接觸過。
到底是網上的人較真，還是對望著的人較真？
我地去到唔同既地方，但係跟住去到唔同既地方之後，跟住上網，去到第三個唔同既地方呢，都係遇到同一個人。
聽著聽著，非常的感觸。
要去到天涯海角，逃避一個人，逃避一種感覺，逃避一段感情。走到哪裡，看到甚麼，都發現與記憶有所共通之處。上演的電影，喜歡喝的茶，結果也一樣。若我更走到網上的世界，即無論甚麼距離也形同虛設。我們還是在電腦的前端，看著發亮的螢光幕，看著代表對方在線的名字，思索著該不該傳送幾句文字。似是而非，我們都不知道是不是真的看到了對方，若是傳送文字也不知是不是真的被對方接收了，就是閃出了對方的回覆也不能肯定真的有一刻接觸過。
到底是網上的人較真，還是對望著的人較真？
07 August 2008
同一個世界
赤地上 到那裡我會沒創傷
東京哭過之後 首爾可會再鋪張
到處也是異地 一切過後別要一樣
偏偏北方的商店為何南面也亮著
赤地上 到那裡也會下雪霜
巴西燒過之後 紐約都有咖啡香
到處也是異地 一切最後亦會一樣
偏偏北方的好戲為何南面也活著
世上 在同一個世上
或只得一種渴想
幾多新酒店 幾次思故鄉
而明明途上別了你
結果也一樣
我要得到那樣 但天天這樣
連邂逅 都會一樣
去到千個晚上
或登進千個網上
而懷疑同樣遇到你
我睡著 到最暗處會沒創傷
天光醒了之後 可以走到最邊疆
到處也是異地 一切最後亦會一樣
幾多幾多的都市為何從沒有異象
世上 在同一個世上
或只得一種渴想
幾多新酒店 幾次思故鄉
而明明途上別了你
結果也一樣
我要得到那樣 但天天這樣
連邂逅 都會一樣
去到千個晚上 或登進千個網上
而懷疑同樣遇到你
結果也一樣
我要得到那樣 但永遠這樣
連缺憾 都會一樣
碰過千個肖像 但不過一套漂亮
誰和誰同樣酷似你
東京哭過之後 首爾可會再鋪張
到處也是異地 一切過後別要一樣
偏偏北方的商店為何南面也亮著
赤地上 到那裡也會下雪霜
巴西燒過之後 紐約都有咖啡香
到處也是異地 一切最後亦會一樣
偏偏北方的好戲為何南面也活著
世上 在同一個世上
或只得一種渴想
幾多新酒店 幾次思故鄉
而明明途上別了你
結果也一樣
我要得到那樣 但天天這樣
連邂逅 都會一樣
去到千個晚上
或登進千個網上
而懷疑同樣遇到你
我睡著 到最暗處會沒創傷
天光醒了之後 可以走到最邊疆
到處也是異地 一切最後亦會一樣
幾多幾多的都市為何從沒有異象
世上 在同一個世上
或只得一種渴想
幾多新酒店 幾次思故鄉
而明明途上別了你
結果也一樣
我要得到那樣 但天天這樣
連邂逅 都會一樣
去到千個晚上 或登進千個網上
而懷疑同樣遇到你
結果也一樣
我要得到那樣 但永遠這樣
連缺憾 都會一樣
碰過千個肖像 但不過一套漂亮
誰和誰同樣酷似你
Sweetening
I have been putting less and less sugar in my coffee... is it a good thing, or a bad thing?
06 August 2008
So what
I am very very busy recently. Too busy that I have lost interest in everything. Or maybe because I have lost interest in everything, why not make myself busy so I won't find my life's terrible. I have lost interest in people around me. Blog is the thing I use to understand people because I believe people don't lie to their own blog, and they express feeling on blog, and I don't like talking, and they won't talk to me about the things they put on blog anyway. And now I don't even want to read people's blogs. Actually, there is nothing I want to do, civilization IV, cartoons, tv series, books, none of these I really want to do. I am not depress. Not at all. There's nothing happened. I just suddenly feel I am the extra redundant piece. No one really likes me anyway, and I am not even sure I like anything at all. I am not being negative, nor being moody. I still work everyday, go home, do some random stuff, sleep. I don't feel anything abnormal. There's nothing wrong about me and nothing wrong around me. I just realise that all these happening, so what. Death is never a solution for anything, but why compare live and die? they are two different things that can't be compared. Two different forms of existence. So alive is not better than dead, since you can't compare them anyway. Pain is no longer a stopper. Why not make it an appetite instead of an aversion? See the dramas around, what are all these people trying to achieve? Where is reality, why bother if we are uncertain about it? Where is love? Maybe we don't really love anything nor hate anything. Nothing named "fair" nor "justice" nor "equality" in this world. We imagine these concepts hold the world, none of them really work. Maybe all of you, your existence, are in my imagination.
05 August 2008
Hide me
I have removed all my blog feed subscription except S and the Tse's family. I don't care about other people who I used to be interested in anymore. I am going to disable my site feed too, some days in the near future. And, may make viewing my blog require blogger login.
Here is no longer gypsy's secret place. Maybe it never was. All of a sudden I hate myself and dislike others. I don't want people who don't understand anyway to see what's in me and I don't care about them at all.
I want to be able to say "I am angry or "I am upset" here, or even "I want to die", without being questioned with misinterpretation.
Here is no longer gypsy's secret place. Maybe it never was. All of a sudden I hate myself and dislike others. I don't want people who don't understand anyway to see what's in me and I don't care about them at all.
I want to be able to say "I am angry or "I am upset" here, or even "I want to die", without being questioned with misinterpretation.
Hate me
You either catch the moment, or you lose it.
If you lose it, then you either regret that you lose it, or glad that you didn't catch it.
I got two chances. The first one was too quick, I didn't make up my mind. Have ages for the second one, I couldn't make up my mind.
I blew both.
Even though the you I want was not the you you are.
Isn't that always the case.
03 August 2008
吹皺一池春水
說是這樣的說，然而為免有人付出多餘的憂慮或關心，我還是說清楚，我不是真的很生氣，至少現在不是了。
要說討厭的，其實是殿下永遠都不明白自己做錯些甚麼，也不明白我幹嗎生氣，甚至一味在毫不理解下認定我是無理取鬧，並且不自覺地誤導身邊的親朋戚人認為我霸道驕恣，還要絲毫不覺自己製造了這樣的錯覺。也不知說他天真好，還是氣他沒心肝好。不過我也習慣了，亦無需向別人解釋，橫豎這些人不會明白。在這裡說明只是以防有人過份關注，走來查詢我們吵了些甚麼架；殊不知我們常有此類問題，只是我不常在這裡說而已。
也和別人沒甚麼關係，不用好奇了。
要說討厭的，其實是殿下永遠都不明白自己做錯些甚麼，也不明白我幹嗎生氣，甚至一味在毫不理解下認定我是無理取鬧，並且不自覺地誤導身邊的親朋戚人認為我霸道驕恣，還要絲毫不覺自己製造了這樣的錯覺。也不知說他天真好，還是氣他沒心肝好。不過我也習慣了，亦無需向別人解釋，橫豎這些人不會明白。在這裡說明只是以防有人過份關注，走來查詢我們吵了些甚麼架；殊不知我們常有此類問題，只是我不常在這裡說而已。
也和別人沒甚麼關係，不用好奇了。
假民主
有時真的很無奈。
又要扮好人的事事來問我，我說一個中聽的答案，就歡天喜地大事宣傳自己很尊重我般；然而我說了不合意的答案，雖然是跟著不做，卻又要跟我說其實不需要問過我。即表面上很尊重，但實際上又不滿。差點忍不住爆粗的我，認為閣下若是會反咬我一下，大可一開始就不要問，勿是要假民主，然後就來說大可不用問。
還有，我說若果買A就一定要買B的話，那就兩個都暫且不要買了。閣下來跟我說已要了A，那不是騙我落搭，難道是無可奈何？還要生我氣說我好說你騙我？有沒有搞錯呀？閣下一直說要買A我可是半點反對也沒說哦，只是說了一句「又買呀」，還要由得閣下在別人面前說得好像我諸般阻撓過一樣。我已經丁點也不分辯了，只是在閣下一刻間來突然要再花數百大元時提出反對，還要背上「很惡」和「不合情理」的罪名，事後閣下還要說毫不明白我幹嗎要這樣。
真吹漲。
又要扮好人的事事來問我，我說一個中聽的答案，就歡天喜地大事宣傳自己很尊重我般；然而我說了不合意的答案，雖然是跟著不做，卻又要跟我說其實不需要問過我。即表面上很尊重，但實際上又不滿。差點忍不住爆粗的我，認為閣下若是會反咬我一下，大可一開始就不要問，勿是要假民主，然後就來說大可不用問。
還有，我說若果買A就一定要買B的話，那就兩個都暫且不要買了。閣下來跟我說已要了A，那不是騙我落搭，難道是無可奈何？還要生我氣說我好說你騙我？有沒有搞錯呀？閣下一直說要買A我可是半點反對也沒說哦，只是說了一句「又買呀」，還要由得閣下在別人面前說得好像我諸般阻撓過一樣。我已經丁點也不分辯了，只是在閣下一刻間來突然要再花數百大元時提出反對，還要背上「很惡」和「不合情理」的罪名，事後閣下還要說毫不明白我幹嗎要這樣。
真吹漲。
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