After knowing it's going to be Caelum not Caeli, I have some very complicated feelings, and heaps of thinking around human social interactions - no it has nothing to do with what happened in the previous post, although that worries me too. Nevertheless there are more worries and considerations happening in my head. I have so many "reasons" favouring a puella over a puer, yet now I have to think carefully how to resolve these. Actually I should have started thinking about these earlier since from the very beginning I kind of know a puer is what I am getting and honestly I am happy about that too, just have to resolve some complicated feelings.
Let me list out my worries first, forget about being logical or rational:
1. Knowing the family (not my side) would prefer a puer and be happier with a puer, my rebellious nature hates the fact that they will love one more. So I wanted a puella.
2. I do not know how to deal with mentula pueri. This is an organ that I don't have! I feel weird about the fact that I will have to wash and examine the growth of it in the future. Also, docere filium meum de mentula eius. One of the weirdest thing ever.
3. It maybe fine if there's only one, but if there's a second and the second is not a puer, I can predict illa would be unfairly treated and not as loved by some people in the family. This thought totally eliminated any thought of having a second. Yet I may as well be digging myself a hole here: if this is a puella, for similar reason I would be afraid to have a second in case that's a puer. I guess I just hate the fact that people have favouritsm for a sick stupid idea about carrying some surname.
4. If it's a puella I can name illam nearly whatever I want. Now I have to make sure some particular one is happy about it. That person won't even care if it's a puella. Also this person won't even bother visiting us if it's a puella. Again these all make me feel sick of the whole business.
5. I hate that some people may interfere the way I teach with some really spoiling way and I know that if it's a puella they won't care that much.
6. Teaching something completely opposite is not easy. I do not know what a puer would like, what kind of books and toys and clothes. Till now all the clothes I wanted to buy are puellis. It's not about willingness, I just don't know how.
I guess in general these are what I concern.
Dia taught me one thing on how to perceive other people's favouritsm: "Then that's cream on cheese cake. It's been nicely served, Enjoy!" I like the thinking, but I still need extra steps for moving onwards using this thinking to resolve my concerns. And that, I guess I have to teach myself, with God's help.
Let me list out my worries first, forget about being logical or rational:
1. Knowing the family (not my side) would prefer a puer and be happier with a puer, my rebellious nature hates the fact that they will love one more. So I wanted a puella.
2. I do not know how to deal with mentula pueri. This is an organ that I don't have! I feel weird about the fact that I will have to wash and examine the growth of it in the future. Also, docere filium meum de mentula eius. One of the weirdest thing ever.
3. It maybe fine if there's only one, but if there's a second and the second is not a puer, I can predict illa would be unfairly treated and not as loved by some people in the family. This thought totally eliminated any thought of having a second. Yet I may as well be digging myself a hole here: if this is a puella, for similar reason I would be afraid to have a second in case that's a puer. I guess I just hate the fact that people have favouritsm for a sick stupid idea about carrying some surname.
4. If it's a puella I can name illam nearly whatever I want. Now I have to make sure some particular one is happy about it. That person won't even care if it's a puella. Also this person won't even bother visiting us if it's a puella. Again these all make me feel sick of the whole business.
5. I hate that some people may interfere the way I teach with some really spoiling way and I know that if it's a puella they won't care that much.
6. Teaching something completely opposite is not easy. I do not know what a puer would like, what kind of books and toys and clothes. Till now all the clothes I wanted to buy are puellis. It's not about willingness, I just don't know how.
I guess in general these are what I concern.
Dia taught me one thing on how to perceive other people's favouritsm: "Then that's cream on cheese cake. It's been nicely served, Enjoy!" I like the thinking, but I still need extra steps for moving onwards using this thinking to resolve my concerns. And that, I guess I have to teach myself, with God's help.
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