Another one of those

Last night was one of those that I started speaking more English than I normally do. I have noticed that’s a sign of drawing myself away from people.

Last night was one of those that I have been laughing a lot. But once I stop talking or listening, I couldn’t find myself in place.

Last night was one of those that I thought everyone around me would agree that my existence or non-existence would have no difference to anybody.

Last night was one of those that I was talking and laughing as usual but I was not really sure what was I doing and what have I done.

Last night was one of those that I really wanted to hold someone’s hand but I thought that it’s a burden for the others.

Last night was one of those that I pictured process of committing suicide in my brain but had no intention of committing suicide at all.

Last night was one of those that I really needed little-prince stay by me but he sat far far away from me. Too far that I couldn’t even reach with eye contact.

Last night was one of those that I knew it was a real depression night, not a so-called depression night.

Friends are for sharing, that’s what people always say. I couldn’t find a chance, and even if there is a chance, I probably couldn’t initiate any speech. Maybe in facing my real depressing moment, I don’t need a speech; I need a hug, to prove my existence, and to prove I am being loved. If you asked me why I am depressed, all I can say are things happening around me, which may have no direct correlation with the emotion, but just some triggers.

Friends are there for you, that’s what people always say. But telling your friends that you are upset when there’s nothing to be upset for, you are depress when there’s nothing to be depressed for, is just putting a burden on your friends, who already have their own real worries and real issues to face. When all you require is a sign of love, that’s just too much. No one has any responsibility to show love to anyone.

I hug my little-prince this morning. He told me to study, don’t hug. I told him just hug for a while.

It will be fine. By the end of today.