所謂人生 (2)

經過了五天。

所謂人生。。。到底我在怨怨艾艾的幹麼？有家庭，有工作，有朋友，有生活，有喜歡的人，有喜歡我的人，有令我心動的東西，有叫我感動的時刻，有健康的身體，有能享受的感官。也不知我在煩甚麼。世界是不可愛，人是不好，我也沒甚貢獻，人生亦未必有甚麼意義；然而我這樣的人還要在憂鬱甚麼的話，實在是過份奢侈了，至少我總是做著我想做的事情。套用蔣小姐的詞彙：「愛與自由」，我都有了，還要常常忐忑不安的幹麼。

活得艱難的人都忙著努力活下去，我們這些吃飽沒事做的小鬼，就在說呀想呀甚麼人生的質素和意義，又或是為些雞毛蒜皮的事悶悶不樂，其實甚是無聊呢。。。

不過，今天我是這樣說啦，改天我這樣的小鬼又閒起來，定會看著葉落又嘆氣，看著雨下又鬱沉。會無病呻吟的人，很難改變呢。

所謂人生

最近興起了幾次輕生的念頭，然而不像往常一樣因為情緒低落，卻是經思考得出來的結論。說起來更難抗拒，因為情緒的念頭還能用殘餘的理性思想來處理，理智的分析卻不是情緒能左右的。只好不小心聯想到了，就放在一旁不去加深思考。

有一次駕車，前面的白色車子由一個滿頭白發的婆婆駕著，載著三個小孩子。是載孫子上學吧？我老了要這樣嗎？不要吧。一點也不想這樣呢。那我想怎樣？我甚麼也不想哦。或者死掉好一點吧。

經過一間律師行。律師是做甚麼的呢？我會有天做別的工作嗎？我想做別的工作嗎？我現在做的是甚麼呢？若我不工作又做甚麼好呢？每天好像甚麼也沒做似的，有沒有我世界還是一樣吧。我做不做些甚麼對我對別人都沒有分別呀。就是對別人有用，我死了對我自己也就一樣了哦。不如死掉吧。

如此類推。

不要說世界很可愛，人很好，我很有貢獻，人生很有意義。。。我不相信這些的。

流放中的醫生

昨天和被流放在鄉下地方三個月的醫生談了一會，身為未來精神病專科醫生的人竟甚是失落，孤獨的他留連於醫院裡只為著住的地方很大很偏僻又沒有電腦網絡。我還以為他以往慣了一個人不會這樣沮喪呢，一定是婚姻生活寵壞了這個不再單身的人。因此，我就在晚飯前跟他談了些許，倒像他是憂鬱的病人了。

三個月嗎？我想要我在鳥不生蛋的地方獨自工作三個月，大概會哭起上來吧。一個人在有兩個睡房的屋子住上九十夜，實在是非常可怕的事。再帶多少書、電影、劇集和卡通片去看，也是會覺得很孤獨的。再加上我這種性格，若是間歇性情緒低落起來，要哭一下兩下絕對不是難事。。。不過，應該挨得到不會自殺吧。

所以我也很同情他呢。。。希望下次我在網上見到他前他不會餓倒了或悶扁了吧。

感傷中

是有點驚訝，驚訝之餘便是不捨了。我沒有像Szuyu那樣哭了啦，橫豎到他真的走那天我是鐵定會哭的了，還是把眼淚留著好。唉唉唉～～～JBoy和Moses走我也經過了，結果還是要面對Andre的離去。雖然這年多已說過幾遍他的女朋友不喜歡現在的工作，想去別的國家，然而我還是沒有當成真的會發生的事情般去看待。對我來說，這次會比之前兩次更難呢。希望我不要哭得眼腫了就好。去英國呢，那麼遙遠。。。雖然他總說他自己當是暫時性的，可能一兩年，然而還是一兩年吧。一兩年後，也不知他的女朋友願不願回來，還是會去了理想中的意大利。

跟別人說，別人覺得我們這一個行業的turn over那麼高，應該沒甚麼特別吧。而且對許多人而言，同事只是同事，共同工作的人而已。可是對我們來說不是這樣呢。我們的turn over其實不高。最近兩年是有好些人離去，但九成是去了外國的，而且都在這裡最少三四年了，有些還在這裡十年啦。。。在這裡十年的，真的是時候去外邊看看，所以是Joe鼓勵他們去的。我們的同事也不是同事那麼簡單，所以Andre也很難為，非常難下這個決定。我不知道怎樣說呢，總而言之是一件叫人很傷心的事情。唉唉唉～～～

Why?

I am a bit depress now.

It has to be me given up thee, not thee have given up me.

I have to protect myself, and I am not the weak one.

I don't love thee. What I did was not for thee.

No one ever understand, including you. I expected you would, but you never. So disappointing.

The calling

I am hungry!!! I need fooooood!!!

納悶

某人回來了，卻忘了買些甚麼給我。雖然口說也不期望對方會記得，說實在還滿失望的。很複雜的原因，然而沒有太有力的道理。說就說不喜歡，其實還滿喜歡的，所以有點失望吧。我還刻意沒有叫爸媽買回來。再加上對方沒有給我寄來一片紙，而我對心意的要求又高，不要自己給對方地址在先。那天為此在納悶的的我就是不要說第一句話，看也不看一眼。這個當然沒有人會注意到，只是我自己在無聊納悶而已。

這令我聯想到可能我對別人的要求太高了。因此，以往為朋友騙了我些不太關我事的東西生氣，人家還不知我幹麼無端不高興。又為其他芝麻小事納悶，人家可能連有這樣的事情也未必留意得到。也不能給人知道，因為都是些小事情，其他人一則完全不當是一回事，二則不會為那麼無聊的事納悶。

沒叫爸媽帶回來的原因，別人大抵也會覺得好不無聊。我總覺得「希望」該是獨一的。我不會希望不同的人為我做同一樣的事情，除非第一個人已落實沒有做到。我不是「漁翁撒網」類型的人，總想一個希望放於獨獨一人身上。或者因為我自己覺得這樣被期待代表被重視，所以我也也認為別人要被這樣期待。

不是甚麼特別的事啦，只是隨口說說而已。

Headache

Ah.... what should I do? How can I make these stupid complex nesting div and css styling work for both Firefox 2 and 3? Man, no matter how mcuh you love Firefox and hate IE, you have to admit taht it's a headache making div and css styling work on Firefox - and work on BOTH Firefox 2 and 3! I always have no problem with IE... yeah yeah it's not standard, whatsoever, at least it works and behaves according to expectation.

Crap div and css styling...

P.S., oh yeah, div and css works well with simple design, I didn't say it doesn't. This blog is pure div-css styling. Unfotunately not all sorts of layout can be done... maybe I am dumb.

Don't get me wrong

People are getting me wrong now. I am not trying to be heroic. The thing I was upset and felt sorry about was NOT that I had been vocal. It's that I didn't say what I really want to say. Again I am not trying to be heroic so don't form that kind of impression. It's a misinterpretation. Do that for the love to your church? No no no, I didn't mean that. At least, no rational mind that accepting it as my reason.

And, I didn't think these people are completely wrong. Actually I think it's the church weakness that providing gaps for them to pinpoint on, and the church has to fix those instead of covering them up with so-called "brotherly love". It's just that the way these people express their "concerns" make me sick and their intentions were not pure while they were trying to use "love" as their biggest reason. What a lie. Lies lead to damnation.

Honestly, no offend, just being honest... I don't need people to agree with my action. Well even my rational self don't have to agree with my action. Things always happen in a way that they have to happen that way.

So I wasn't scared of his reply, nor felt sorry about speaking out, nor wanted people to be on my side. I was unhappy that I missed the point in my head but I know if it's going to happen once more it would be the same. So I am not that upset at all. I am not sure how this incident affect people's emotion and how much it destroyed people's week, but it didn't move me an inch and actually I have a good mood recently.

Not my family is not my family, I would never feel what you guys feel. I am sorry for that but unfortunately can't change the fact. It's not my church, and it will never be my church after that ignorant guy ignorantly spreading conspiracy theory to ignorant people claiming that Roman Catholic Church is heresy. I don't love it as much as you guys love it. Don't think too good about me.

Love the typical smile

I like this photo. This is my typical smile. Not pretty but funny.

Well, I can't be a pretty person, but at least I can be funny, and love myself.

Although I do feel that I look fat in almost all P Party photos, however I was happy that night, and who cares that if I am fat?

Cool to be myself.

茶杯裡的風波（後話）

不知道會有多少人想知道來龍去脈，我是指心理上的，不是實際上發生了的。實際上發生了的事大家已看見了，也沒甚麼好說。

其實我原本不是想那樣說的。在腦子裡計劃了這樣那樣，想這樣那樣說。原來想說的大概是：「其實把時間花費在這樣的糾纏和爭論上，卻是於弟兄姊妹無益的，不是能建立大家的靈命的，不如做些真的能關心並建立弟兄姊妹的事好啦。家事廣場，說來說去都是這些，都沒有甚麼真正有關家裡的人的事。」

然而看著S的媽媽出來準備打完場，我打算甚麼也不說了，橫豎我想的比我真正做的或說的總是多百倍。可是準備要祈禱當下，此人還是不肯罷休，看他激得S的媽媽那樣，實覺過份。她那麼好的人也生氣了，閣下要那樣說話，就是不顧念她的事奉，也該顧念她的身體吧！再看看坐在後排的老人家，有多少人真的有興趣聽這麼無聊的糾纏？做甚麼也不會合閣下心意的了，像特首般難妥貼所有人。想著就有點氣，他不要吃飯，人家還是要吃的，切實關心一下身邊的弟兄姊妹好過啦。於是，就說了那樣的話。

事後多人來我這裡，我想是想安慰我吧，雖然我沒甚麼要安慰的啦。也有人怕嚇倒我了，我哪會這樣被嚇倒呢。。。更多的人來說其實他們也想說，只是以和為貴；還有人說只有小孩子才會這樣，所以是好的，不要緊。

我自覺不是太對啦。。。主要不是因為我沒禮貌或不適時說話。首先我不覺得沒禮貌，人要自重先能叫別人尊重。也不後悔那刻說了，因為至少S的媽媽不用再跟他糾纏下去，畢竟我做壞人比較好嘛。讓我最覺得不好意思，覺得對不起的，是我本來不是想那樣說的，出口卻那樣說了。這最令我沮喪。

最安慰我自己的是，我一向拿著「我是外人」的牌匾「為所欲為」，也不欠這一次了。因著這個身份，我當壞人總比別人當好。況且我一向沒大沒小的樣子，也不用維持甚麼形象。

再者，十年後沒人記得這樣的事情了。

所以沒所謂啦。

After P 2

I have got some photos from facebook, which Helen and Ivy put on. Only my friends come to my blog anyway, so let me share them here.

First of all, meet the four ASD girl developers. Unfortunately Fiora didn't come.

(LEFT) Now, meet the pimp daddy and his honeys.
(RIGHT) See Devil is talking to the Priest, not sure who's converting who.

(LEFT) It's me, the green pixie with purple wings. 
(RIGHT) Helen is a pink one with pink wings. I am not sure whether she was a pink pixie or a pink fairy. Oh well, it doesn't matter.

 

(LEFT) Meet the costume winner, Mr. Postbox. I love Stephen's idea of making his own costume. He's the man! Note that he didn't drive to the party with his postbox on - we had confirmed with him.
(RIGHT) Po was so cute! He's dancing all the time - before he took off his "head". It was Mal. Po gave me hugs and I took some pictures with him.

(LEFT) For some reason Andrew was either smelling Professor Hugh's hair, or trying to kiss him. Don't ask me which was his intention. Ask Professor.
(RIGHT) Joseph was the painter. Pedro was also the painter. They are like painter brothers! I think Szu-yu's camera got some pictures with both of them. I will post one up later.

(LEFT) See our pimp daddy. I have to say Andre looks really cool with this outfit. It does suit him (fortunately or unfortunately), haha.
(RIGHT) Who's Peter Parker with his mask on?! Of course is our newly-wedded Sasanka! His spider-man outfit and mask were too small though.

See! It's a fun party! Maybe I am not a typical type 5 because type 5 is not suppose to like party, haha.

After P

Back from P Party, removed my costume, changed into my pyjamas, staying in bed, typing blog with my new laptop. Yes, I got a new laptop, a black Dell XPS M1530.

P Party was fun. I have been dancing till my feet were so tired that I could no longer continue. I don't particularly like party, and when I quiet down I may think of going home, but party with work people is different. It's lots of fun.

I didn't bring camera, but heaps of people have brought theirs. Ivy had already posted up a few (so quick!) and more to come from her, Szu-Yu, Andre, Helen, etc.

Time to sleep now.

享受浪漫

如果你要死了，我會是你最掛心的嗎？
唔。
會嗎，會嗎？
我只知道如果神說：「拿，今日可以俾你望下地球一次啦。」我會跟他說：「俾我睇下我老婆啦。」那可以看看望你在做甚麼，過得怎樣。

眼淺的人眼眶有點潮濕。像今天的天氣，又沒下得了雨來。或者這不算甜言蜜語，但比說著愛更浪漫吧。

Contrast

I have lighten the font colour a bit because I have tuned down the contrast and brightness of my monitors to save power as well as to my eyesight. Harshal also said looking at my bright monitors made him headache.

Everything on my desktop are black and white now (actually for months already). Microsoft Office components have black background, Picasso's Guernica is my wallpaper, my taskbar is black, the clock on my sidebar is black and white, white space invader characters on my black sidebar, and window colour is Graphite with transparency and a low colour intensity.

Love this feeling so much. I am not in a bad mood at all.

Don't feel strange that I have my taskbar on the right of my left screen. It's always the case, if you see previous screenshots of my desktop. It's not a geeky thing as I am the only one in the office doing this. At home I do have taskbar at the bottom for little-prince.

沮喪

心知道有路尚要趕　身體卻拒絕彈起床
事後我討厭自己　不會反抗　讓我很沮喪

當天氣那樣地晴朗　當工作照樣十分忙
事後我討厭自己經濟狀況

每次我也知道什麼錯　每次我也知錯不改過
怎麼偏偏知道難過　怎麼不可安心出錯

急於到處賣弄眼光　小把戲過份露鋒芒
事後我討厭自己　不會收放讓我很沮喪

只知道有話就要講　不懂去漂亮地隱藏
事後我討厭自己　不按狀況

當失控憤怒沒法擋　將好友當做練靶房
事後我討厭自己　粗魯兇悍　讓我很沮喪

小波折放入大染缸　騷擾各界受盡驚惶
事後我討厭自己　不夠硬朗

好多個晚上睡在床　想想怎可不沮喪
一想到　馬上很沮喪

No more cakes and ale? Sure there is.

Yesterday I have dig out some old photos and posted them to facebook. When I say "old" photos, they are about 3 to 4 years old. That's the time I transited from studying in the university to the working force.

It was fun in university. The pictures we took on final year project presentation day, exhibition day, E-dinner, and ECE-dinner reminded me a lot about the old days. We had fun everyday and not much to worry about. Assignments, tests and exams are easy, piece of cake! I was so lazy and didn't study much. I seldom work later than 8 o'clock, and the latest time I went home was 12:00 a.m. - actually only 1 day in 4 years. I went to gym nearly every morning, healthy, slim and can play basket ball. Those boys copied our assignments all the time and applied their good alteration skill before handing them in. We complained Partha and Emilia in year three. Poor Partha, he's a nice guy, just that Emilia, such a terrible woman. Can you believe that she's an AP? John G. and Pounamu, John H. and Emacs, Jing Sun and Alloy, Rick and FIT, Ewan and Karate, Robert and Trebor (and amor = love)... probably will never forget these. 

It's good that I got into Olympic. I love Olympic. I have built personal relationship with everybody I met here. They are more than colleagues to me. Over three years and eight months, people come and go, but the spirit stays the same. Like I said to Joe that I want him to be rich, and he said to me that he wants me to be rich as well. My love to Olympic does make me consider more than just doing my job and earning my own salary. I tell you, it's more than I can get from anywhere else. Maybe not the money side, but experiences, chances, relationships and love exceed the money part. Oh well, maybe not enough for other people. I do know some people who think that work is never happy, and work does not have to be happy. I can't stand that. I have to be happy on my job. Man, I spend 8 hours a day on my job. If I am not happy on my job, then I am not happy for at least 8 hours a day and at least Monday to Friday! I can't stand that.

Things are still looking good now. Work is good, doing philosophy just for fun, married to someone I love, having a lot of free time, good relationship with workmates, loving parents (and brother maybe?). Maybe bank account is a little bit emptier because of our house, water, electricity, land rate, etc..., but I am happy. Sure I am happy. If I am not, that's just me being stupid and emotional.

I hope I am still happy as usual in the future. That's what I want.

Waiting for you

Come back. I have been suffered long enough. Miss you so much.

Such a terrible experience. Next time please take him with you.

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet?!

When she's in love, he's the perfect one.

The apple of her eye.

Then she found out he's sleeping with another girl. Immediately, he became an ugly bastard with bad breath.

Thou shall focus on the hideousness. That's the way to forget. Maybe not forgive.

Does someone become terrible before he become unlovable? Or does someone become detestable before he become horrible?

Persepolis

It is a very, very good story. No spoiler*, just want to say: must see.

My favourite black and white. Perfect for the story.Don't mind to see it again.

 

*Spoiler will come in separate blog post.

佛洛依德愛上林夕

黑太空 飄羽毛
一千隻金螞蟻爬入窄路
痕痕如陣痛
拗得破什麼煎熬
在晚上發的 到今朝記住 敲你門鐘很想講夢

七寸高 聚滿蝙蝠和歎號
中間有一個噴泉流入我的耳目
潺潺如白布 翻得過什麼思慕
在晚上發的 到今朝記住 跟你重複 很想披露

一分一秒欲滴
張開雙臂像翼
我看見佛洛依德一絲不掛掛念著林夕
天黑充滿魅力
天光不要寂靜
答應我你會天天專心傾聽
由我夢見的無須分析

一個鐘沒有分針和數目
只聽到關上鐵門門後有些腳步
密密如電報通知我什麼出路
在晚上發的到今朝記住
跟你重複
穿梭多一次異域
可多一次樂極
我看見佛洛依德一絲不掛掛念著林夕
天黑充滿魅力
天光不要寂靜
答應我你會天天專心傾聽
由我夢見的

一分一秒欲滴
張開雙臂像翼
我聽見佛洛依德一聲尖叫叫喚著林夕
天黑充滿腐蝕
天光不要辨認
答應我你會天天專心傾聽
由我夢見的無須分析

Saturday Night

Tomorrow I am going to my first movie for this year film festival. At last I haven't purchased any ticket in advance. It is because I am not going to see ten movies, and to purchase online or by phone require quite a bit of transaction fee. Originally I want to see whether there is someone want some tickets, so I can buy them in one go. Still not too late now but apparently no one's buying any. Ivy got her own tickets already.

Tomorrow, is my Saturday Night.

Oh, whatever makes her happy on a saturday night,
Oh, whatever makes her happy, whatever makes it alright.

Hmmm, not exactly. My own Saturday activities end on this movie, then I will have dinner with some friends, which makes it no longer my Saturday Night.

But that's okay.

And it'll be okay like everyone says,
it'll be alright and ever so nice,
We'll going out tonight, out and about tonight.

It's still a Saturday Night.

We'll go where people go and let go.

What's next?

So the next paper, Medieval Philosophy it is. Here is the description of this paper:

A detailed introduction to either the work of a leading medieval philosopher, for example Augustine, Abaelard, Scotus or Ockham, or to one or more of the topics which were of interest to medieval philosophers. The course aims to show how understanding medieval philosophy is essential for the history of Christian thought and philosophy up to modern times.

Having said that this is the next paper, actually grades for the two papers I have done for this semester are still unknown. I hope I have passed both.

Barrier to describing and understanding

I am very poor at describing physical things. For example... hmm, let's pick someone at random, say Kenneth.

Kenneth is quite tall.
hmmm...
He has light skin colour.
hmmmm...
He doesn't wear glasses.
hmmmm...
He has short hair...but not too short.
hmmmm...
hmmmmmmm...
hmmmmmmmmmm...

That's all I can think of.

Let's try something else. Say a bus.

A bus has a rectangle box shape.
hmmm...
It has some wheels.
hmmm...
It has mirrors on two sides.
hmmm...
The bus number and destination are yellow (for Eastern Howick bus again).
hmmm...
There are some buses with 1 door only, some have two.
hmmmm...
hmmmmmmm...
hmmmmmmmmmm...

Doesn't seem to work again.

Let's try something else. Say Mel.

Mel is mainly black. It's white around her neck.
hmmm...
She has four legs and a tail.
hmmm...
If she stands on her four legs, she is about my waist tall, I think.
hmmm...
She sometimes flip her ears depending on her mood.
hmmm...
Her feets are brown and nails are black.
hmmmm...
hmmmmmmm...
hmmmmmmmmmm...

Can you tell Mel is a dog from these description? I guess not.

It is strange that I always have problem with describing how things physically look like since I was much younger. This is the reason why I can never write descriptive paragraphs about things - some real things. On the other hand I have no problem describing emotions or thinkings (at least I understand what myself is trying say), or talking about mental characteristics, or inner properties. In other words I am quite comfortable with describing intangible stuff.

I believe this is one of the biggest reasons why I cannot read English fictions. Because I cannot describe, relatively when I read physical descriptions I cannot imagine. When I am reading Chinese fictions I automatically scheme through physical descriptions quickly without perceiving too much detail. Unfortunately it's not so easy with English stories.

Antithetically, I cannot read any technical books in Chinese. There are too many terms that I cannot understand and my brain always try not to understand. So when I talk about anything work related, even though the conversation may start off with cantonese, very soon it has to be discussed in English. There is no way I can talk about work related or programming stuff in cantonese. Just too hard.

The entry into Hell

Per me si va ne la città dolente,
per me si va ne l’etterno dolore,
per me si va tra la perduta gente.
Giustizia mosse il mio alto fattore;
fecemi la divina podestate,
la somma sapïenza e ’l primo amore.
Dinanzi a me non fuor cose create
se non etterne, e io etterno duro.
Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate’.

Through me you go to the grief-wracked city.
Through me to everlasting pain you go.
Through me you go and pass among lost souls.
Justice inspired my exalted Creator.
I am a creature of the Holiest Power,
of Wisdom in the Highest and of Primal Love.
Nothing till I was made was made, only
eternal beings. And I endure eternally.
Surrender as you enter every hope you have.

So following Dante, last night I've entered the gate of Hell.

咖啡和它的伴侶

有朋友對咖啡非常揀擇，一年可能只會喝一杯即沖咖啡。我個人對即沖咖啡並不抗拒，尤其若果咖啡是Moccona，又有咖啡伴侶的話。

說起咖啡伴侶，傳說醫學界認為此物不太健康，少喝為妙。然而既是咖啡的好伴侶，想當然地跟咖啡一起喝過後就很難放手。少喝嗎？我現在每天喝兩杯呢。。。看來有點困難吧。

說著說著，就把我今天第二杯咖啡喝完了。

然後做著做著，竟隔了四小時才記起我在寫這篇網誌。

Dreams

Oh my life is changing everyday
in every possible way
And though my dreams
it's never quite as it seems
Never quite as it seems

I know I felt like this before
But now I'm feeling it even more
Because it came from you
Then I open up and see
The person fumbling here is me
A different way to be

I want more, impossible to ignore
Impossible to ignore
And they'll come true
impossible not to do
Impossible not to do

And now I tell you openly
You have my heart
so don't hurt me
For what I couldn't find
Talk to me amazing mind
So understanding and so kind
You're everything to me

Oh my life is
changing everyday
In every possible way
And though my dreams
it's never quite as it seems
'cause you're a dream to me

Dream to me

Sick

I am sick so I went home very early from work and slept for hours in the afternoon.

This weather has knocked quite a number of people in the team down.

Headache...

pensamiento en usted

My brain is thinking a lot these two days. I know the reason, and I know what I am thinking. The only thing I don't know is what this will ultimately lead to. It's bad. I hadn't been thinking about this for a couple of weeks, and now that just stay in my mind. I know the trigger, I know what reminded me that. The only thing I don't know is how am I going to put this down again. This is stupid. It caused me to ask a dumb question which I am not sure what do I expect from the answer I got, and I just wanted to ask a more dumb question afterwards. I know the implication, I know what answer I was going to receive. The only thing I don't know is why did I want to ask such question as I already knew the answer is meaningless to me.

I know for sure that this is bad when I started to dream about that again. And I do want to dream about that again.

I can't say "forget about it" is what I want.

Life is full of things that you have to think about, and still never be sure about.

Phone, email and text

Yes. I hate phone. To be precise, I ought to say I hate talking on phone. Hmm, actually that's not very accurate as well because I don't always feel talking on phone is a pain when I am not the one who initiate the call. Okay. I hate making calls. If I am not the one who call, then after a little while my thoughts start to diverge to other stuff and will never focus on what the person on the other end of the phone is trying to say anymore. So I don't like talking on phone and always try to keep phone conversation short, and won't make a call unless I really really have to.

Email and text are what I prefer. At least I have an option when to answer by giving excuses like being hold up by work or so. The person I email or text to have option when to reply as well, or even not to reply. They also allow me to have some thinking time before I send them, although sometimes they would be misunderstood or misinterpreted, still. It's also easier to lie to or convince myself when I find people's email or text hurt me or not what I was expecting.

Personality test discussion

Last night we went through the personality tests again. After some discussions, we have settled on the case that I am a type 5, with an extreme strong tendency to type 5's right wing(type 4), and have some characteristics of type 5's stress and security points (type 7 and 8). Unfortunately I take nearly all type 4 negative characteristics but not many of the positive ones. I do get some good and some bad from type 7 and 8. Other than that, I am a typical type 5, id est nearly every single description fits.

It's interesting to see myself keep emphasising that "we are not alike", S and E keep repeating that "he is like this as well", and in the middle of the conversation R said "but you are afraid of him". Although I am a bit reluctant to admit, however I do know that we are similar on those characteristics. So, the reason for me being afraid of this guy we are talking about, is probably of these similarities. Maybe in dealing with this guy I see how difficult for people to deal with me. As little-prince said, whatever I don't like or feel annoyed about this guy, is a property that can be found in myself. Maybe another reason why I am afraid is that I believe people who are too similar to each other are too dangerous to be close.

There's one thing I agree but actually I don't really understand why and how. So if this guy is really a 4, and I am really a 5, and E is really a 5, then why am I more similar to this guy instead of E? Why E is different from us? Remind you that E is a typical 5 with a tendency towards 4 as well. Maybe E is just repressing his "weirdness", haha. Actually, I don't mind being weird, just that I do not want people to think that I don't mind. I do want people to think that I have made some attempt to fit in but not very successful, instead of knowing that actually I wasn't really keen at all.