Meliora

I have lost some more weight. That's a bit unexpected because I thought I have been eating more recently and I thought I had gained a kg. However this morning I weighed myself and finally I drop below fifty again. It's not that bad actually, still have a kg and a half to go before I hit my lowest. It's just a bit unexpected. Actually HK girls at my height would weigh five kgs less anyway, so I am still sweet (maybe a bit too fat in their standards). Well I am happy to be just under fifty, probably my ideal weight, and given it doesn't go below forty-eight then it's fine.

It was a good day yesterday. I came back last night and thought: why did I change from that kind of style to what I am now over these years? Is this necessary a good change? I think after I met my little-prince, I have been trying to act more and more like what a normal girl would act. I told him that I had been burning candles and drinking baileys at home these days, and he said (in a funny way) that I have changed. Did I change, or change back? Now I got a chance to remember what I was doing many years ago before I met my little-prince, and I am pretty sure that I have changed over all these years just because I thought he would not like what I used to be. Now I got a chance to be here by myself for a month, and I had the tendency to change back into my original style.

I am not saying that he has molded me. I guess in a relationship people are always influencing each other in different ways by different means unavoidably. I know for sure that I have changed him as well and it's not necessarily better than his original self. What I am saying is, if the reason for me to change is because I am afraid that he would not like my originality, isn't that a problem? Maybe I should just let him understand that's the way I am and those are the things I enjoy and try to convince him that he should love that side of me as well? Vice versa, did he change his characteristics over all these years just because he thought I would not like those? Should he just tell me that's the way he is and I should just love that side of him?

Everything happened in this month makes me think a lot about our relationship, in a good and constructive way I guess. It's time to learn how to love each other in a better way. When we were together everyday for years, he neglected my language of love, and I got used to the way we just are. In a way he restrained me and I restrained him in a day-to-day frame of life. We just merged to form an equilibrium regardless of our own nature, appetites and aversions. That's not wrong, but can be better, and it will be better. I promise.